To feel annoyed / upset about this?

[Honeysucklelane]

My mum and sister went out for lunch today to try a restraurant about 20 minutes away from where I live. I don’t work Mondays so I’m free all day. Just before lunch I got told they were going out for lunch and a walk, and invited to meet them for a coffee ‘later on.’

I decided not to meet them for coffee, rather than drive a 40 minute round trip just for a coffee with them when they would have already been out for a big lunch.

After lunch I got messaged saying how amazing it was, so I said I would have loved to try it. I feel a bit childish and irrational to be feeling hurt that I wasn’t invited and I was only ‘good enough’ to come along for coffee as an afterthought.

My mum doesn’t treat us (or our other sister) equally and there’s a history of her frequently staying at my sisters and not even seeing me even though it’s not far - and yes I can go over there, but she’s usually so busy doing housework / gardening for my sister it’s pointless me being there.

A better response from you would have been "Oh, I'm not working today, what time is lunch? I'll meet you there?" You could even have said "Can't stay for coffee, I need to pick the kids up"

People, including parents, treat us as we allow them to.

With family stuff you really don't need to be polite like you would say with a colleague. Just straight out ask them where your invite is or invite yourself. No point in quietly getting upset about it. Next time try oi knob faces wheres my invite.

What were the vouchers? Had one of them bought them for the other as a Christmas/birthday present? If this is the case then I can see why they wanted it to be the two of them,

We do things together, and we visit my mum together, go on outtings together. Think this coffee is the only thing I’ve turned down.

If they’d just gone for lunch and not tried to make a thing of inviting me for coffee I wouldn’t have been upset.

I should have done, but even when I said I didn’t want to drive over there just for coffee, lunch wasn’t offered.

They weren’t a gift from either one to the other, more like credit vouchers.

If this is a pattern yanbu, however they are allowed to meet without you without it being a slight on you. My dm does lots for my dsis and my dbro, i never mind it but if i meet just my mum i get 'where was my invite' etc but sometimes i want to meet my mum on my own as my siblings are big personalitoes and tend to make it all about them. Not saying you are like this btw just sometimes you dont all have to do everyrhing.

Like others have said maybe because you didnt ask to go they thought you didnt want to, next time just say 'oh fab, i am actually free today do you mind if i join you for lunch rather than coffee?'

Maybe your mum just finds your sister easier to get on with.
I think it's a mean way to act, but personally I would hate to feel I was being invited out just because you wanted to go.
Like you, I would have refused the coffee invite.

It's clear this is a pattern of favouritism you've endured for decades.

It seems to me incredibly cruel to treat your children so unequally. It's true to say that some parents do, deep down, have a 'favourite' child. But they really need to go out of their way not to make it obvious to the others.

I hope you have strong relationships with others in your life? X

What is yanbu? Absolutely they are allowed to meet without me, and they’re off away for a night or two together tomorrow.

I got upset because it felt like ‘we’re going for lunch, but you’re only worth inviting along for coffee later on, and we’ll then tell you how amazing the lunch was we had without you.’

It does sound hurtful. Does your other sister, who is even more sidelined, live nearby? If so, reach out to her and plan a nice lunch or outing together to make up for this. You can't make people be thoughtful or caring, but you can turn it round and focus on building other good relationships.

Don't spend your life wishing your mum and sister were different. It's frustrating and just makes you feel worse. Limit your expectations of them, and aim higher with people who will respond and be genuinely pleased to see you.

She has actually said that in the past when I pointed out to her how upset our other sister was that she barely visits her.

Which is natural to get on better with some people over others, but when it’s your kids you do not tell them you get on better with their sister and that’s why you visit her more. It’s blatantly obvious who the ‘favourite’ is.

It's a horrible way for a parent to act.
I'm not saying your mother is horrible, but to make one child feel less than the other....even an adult child, is not a nice way to act.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

She’s not nearby. We haven’t spoken for years because she said some awful things about me to the other sister. Also she was constantly ringing me up to ask why our mum was always with our sister helping her. Which got me very down, because it kept blighting disparities in how we are treated.

Families are complex, and I’m glad I could come here and chat to people as there’s no one else to talk to. It isn’t really just a lunch / coffee thing today I guess, but years of situations. 😔

I’d have reacted just as you did.

Thank you. I get treated like I’m childish or unreasonable if I show that something has annoyed or upset me.

I could have written this. It's not very nice. You're not unreasonable at all for making the comment, don't let them turn it on to you. It is also annoying when richer sibling who works less, with a bigger house, gets a maid/dog walker/laundress on tap as well.

I'd think well sister is going to look after mum in old age. Happy days.

She’s ok, but doesn’t live nearby. If she was going out for lunch with my DH’s sibling nearby, she would include us too.

I was hoping she was nearby and you could focus on your relationship and go for lunch etc with her.

I am sorry and having read your update can see how hurtful it is.

I have no wise solutions but I think I would have to opt out of further "consolation coffee add ons" and perhaps focus on time with DH/DP and your friends, and as time continues doing things that make you feel valued/seen/good , your Mums behaviour I don't understand but I guess you won't be able to change how she is. for you

I would tell her to tell your sister that or say i will he sure to tell her that next time we speak 😆

Seriously though she is talking like this about your sister can you imagine what she says about uou to her

If this is 'the way it is' then you have to figure out if you are bothered enough to try and change things and risk becoming more upset and frustrated OR accept this 'it how it will always be'.
There can be a great deal of peace and freedom that comes from letting go of an unfulfilled 'fantasy family' and although sad lets you move forward you sound a lovely insightful person Honeysucklelane, take care x

My sister used to get upset when I would go out for dinner with my mum. The difference between me and my sister was that I would invite my mum out and buy her dinner and we would have a mooch around the shops. My sister only and still only contacts my mum because she needs her to babysit, or needs my parents to do something for her. I don't think she has ever taken her out for the day. It wasn't about not including my sister it was about spending time with my mum. Do you ever contact your mum and arrange to go out just the two of you?

Could you start arranging things for you and your mum, and see if she would like that. Or arrange an outing for the three of you
Is sister is arranging outings for her and her mum knowing that you would like to come, but she still doesn't invite you?

Do you and your other sister get together at all?
I assumed that you were being left out of a three, but maybe it's just that your mum and sister are friendlier?

I wouldn't want to have to invite my brother whenever I do something with my mum.

I make the effort with her because she's my best friend.

My mum also does things with my eldest son a hell of a lot more than with my other kids, because ds1 is the one that has made the effort to see her because he wants to.

I don't think it's about who you love the most. I think as adults, then you have to maintain your own family relationships.

I can see how two people having the vouchers for something would automatically turn into a two person plan without any active decision to leave someone out. Asking a third person would mean it became complicated, splitting vouchers or asking you to pay when they weren't - there are so many ways it could cause offence.

It's hard to know if it is a pattern or your perception, none of us can tell and everyone is projecting. I think you give mixed messages, for example, because I'm hearing it in the voice of someone I know who would simultaneously say "they are only 20 minutes away," as if that's nothing and then "a 40 minute round trip," like it is a huge imposition. OTOH, someone who often feels left out will align with you, but only you can really tell.

You clearly want to have a better relationship with them, if you wanted to go for lunch. I do think you have some control over it. From making suggestions yourself, to communicating slightly better. Unfortunately not speaking up, allowing it to fester and then lashing out is childish behaviour. You need to learn that if something is not important enough to say at the time, then let it go. If you find it hard to let go, then that is a sign you need to speak up. You might find having boundaries (not tantrums) actually improves your relationship. It's not guaranteed, but worth a go.

Yes. Over the years I’ve visited her more in the school holidays with my kids than my sisters have.