To feel annoyed / upset about this?

[Honeysucklelane]

My mum and sister went out for lunch today to try a restraurant about 20 minutes away from where I live. I don’t work Mondays so I’m free all day. Just before lunch I got told they were going out for lunch and a walk, and invited to meet them for a coffee ‘later on.’

I decided not to meet them for coffee, rather than drive a 40 minute round trip just for a coffee with them when they would have already been out for a big lunch.

After lunch I got messaged saying how amazing it was, so I said I would have loved to try it. I feel a bit childish and irrational to be feeling hurt that I wasn’t invited and I was only ‘good enough’ to come along for coffee as an afterthought.

My mum doesn’t treat us (or our other sister) equally and there’s a history of her frequently staying at my sisters and not even seeing me even though it’s not far - and yes I can go over there, but she’s usually so busy doing housework / gardening for my sister it’s pointless me being there.

It was credit on an account not vouchers, so it possibly didn’t even cover both of their meals and I would have paid for myself.

I did not ‘lash out’
I did not have a ‘tantrum’

When I got a message saying where they’d been and how amazing it was, I replied that I would have loved to try it. Got told I can, so I replied ‘well maybe next time I’ll get a lunch invite instead of just for coffee.’

I don’t think that’s lashing out or having a tantrum, but because I do not lash out or have tantrums, they knew I was annoyed / upset by my response.

I would have made the trip for lunch and the walk they were doing, as that’s a longer event. But it didn’t seem worth doing a 40 minute round trip to sit in a tiny busy coffee shop for what would probably be half an hour having a quick hot drink. They would have wanted to get back as they’d been out a while by that point.

Thank you. It is hard. I don’t begrudge the bigger house / garden, (it’s a LOT of work) or the cleaner / ironing lady. I do begrudge my mum doing a ton of hard physical work there and then both of them ringing me complaining to me about the other one afterwards.

My mum chooses to do it, my sister has a lovely tidy, clean whatever afterwards, and I get to hear them bitching about each other. 🙄

‘Oh are you annoyed?’ Seems like I’ve done the wrong thing.’

She’s a dick and so is sister for not asking and allowing dickmum to do it.

I know it sounds silly, but if they’d just got on with it and not half invited me, and not messaged to say how amazing it was, I wouldn’t have minded. It’s as if there was some guilt over going for lunch without me so one of them decided to offer up the coffee invite.

My DH pointed out at least I didn’t turn up for a brief coffee with them and have to sit there and hear how amazing their lunch was. 😂

Thank you for your kindness, it means a lot.

I have just let a lot of this sort of thing go over the years to avoid falling out, as I don’t have a lot of family. I’m feeling rough at the moment with a cold and it was one of those things that just hit me harder than it should have.

This is my DM with my brother’s house “… and it’s only a 5 minute walk to the sea. Don’t you wish you could live by the sea?!” Not many sea views about in the midlands! 😆 DH and I just laugh about it these days.

Good on you for sticking up for yourself. How mean to have not invited you and then to bombard you with how good it was.

My mum lives in a different country and my MIL died last year. So I would have made the trip for the coffee.
I also would have politely asked about being included for lunch- and happily paid my own. I make it a point not to take offence unless absolutely intended and speak up where possible to have good relationships. I suspect my family is unusually thoughtful and kind though.

I know it's hard but I really think you need to tell them how you feel - starting with your mum. Without being accusatory, just saying how upset you were. ....I'm sure you'll feel better getting it off your chest and you may get some insight into what's going on in her mind.

You are right to feel how you do OP.

My older sister and our mum used to do a lot of things and not include me. Even going out for Mother's Day some years. It was very hurtful and I was always made to feel unreasonable if I ever said anything.

My mum does this exact thing!
Making out like I've upset her and not vice versa. "Oh I can't do right for doing wrong. It always goes wrong for me. I knew I'd upset someone no matter what I did. Woe is me.." etc. Strangely it's always me who she upsets, never anyone else, funny that! It's led to a more distant relationship.

Your family are treating you badly and I would feel extremely hurt.
Personally I would bring it to a head and say how hurt and puzzled you are. If you don’t get a reasonable explanation and improvement I would leave them to it.
Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with them.

If it’s bothering you then it’s bothering you for a reason. You are worthy of love and attention from your mother and your feelings of not being cherished are legitimate. You can certainly tell your mum that the coffee invitation felt like an afterthought. If she dismisses or minimizes your upset then you can certainly distance yourself from them. Create your own social support system and leave looking after your aging mum to your sister.

Living by the sea would be amazing until all the tourists arrive. Your brother may have a house 5 minutes from the sea, but is he any happier than you are? Except of course for the fact your mother isn’t constantly asking him ‘wouldn’t you love to live in the Midlands? It’s so convenient!’

(No shame on the Midlands btw, grew up there. 😍)

That’s really sad, especially if you live nearby.

I suspect when women are on the inside of something like this, they’re fine and can’t see anything hurtful in it, because they are included and went out for the nice time. How dare anyone else be upset they didn’t get an invite, they’re now the ‘hurt’ ones because the outsider has called them out on their actions.

I get it and I’d be hurt too. I live in a different country to my family. I invited my mother, my brother and his partner to stay once. Put them up in a rental property nearby as I have five children and wanted them to be able to relax and have a bit of space. Called them the first morning they were here to ask if they’d like to come to mine for breakfast or if they’d prefer I’d take them out and treat them (had already stocked the house they were in with cereal, milk, bread, eggs etc) only to find they’d gone out for breakfast and didn’t think to invite me.

Told them I was really hurt, especially as I had arranged to make sure I had childcare their entire visit so I could do spontaneous things like this with them…….and they did the exact same thing the next morning.

Im sure in their heads it’s completely justified and not hurtful at all but your feelings are completely valid here.

I think all the people replying to say ‘just invite yourself along’ etc don’t have experience of this kind of family relationship. Would you all want to go where you’re not wanted?

This has happened to me many times, op, including memorably, when I had been stuck indoors with disabled dc for weeks on end and very isolated, and my sister came to visit my mum ten minutes away and they went shopping, making it clear I wasn’t invited.

And yes, if you voice hurt, you’re painted as petulant and demanding.

it sucks. No helpful advice, just solidarity.

I'd say something like this "Oh I must have missed the lunch invite...but hang on, no you didn't bother to think to even ask me.
Did you not even consider I'd be really hurt? You've all enjoyed a wonderful lunch, thanks for that info but the coffee afterthought was the icing on the nonexistent cake".

Your DM is obvious just picking favourites but why does your sister go along with it.
My sisters would 100% invite me to lunch even if they knew I probably couldn't go.

Do you think they get some satisfaction from knowing that they have upset you or do you think they are oblivious?

I would probably go a bit lower contact with both of them and wait for them to approach you rather than being set up for a fall all the time.

On the plus side dm can't bitch about your house being a state and she swooping in like the Good Fairy and making it sparkle....

Very true!

Yep.

Oh dear.,,, because after a walk and lunch I know my DM would be itching to get back to DSIS’s house so she would not want to linger over coffee - hence why it wasn’t worth the 40 minute round trip for a quick coffee catch up.

Think that’s why my Dsis invited me for coffee, on some level she knows and feels bad they weren’t including me in lunch.

But to just get the coffee invite upset me, especially as they’re away for a couple of days now doing coffee, lunches, dinner etc just the two of them.