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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with how much contact my partner has with his ex?

70 replies

Flamingowild · 02/02/2026 09:54

I have been with my partner for a year. We don't live togethe but plan to. He has a child from a previous relationship who he has 50/50. He's a very involved dad and a really great partner to me. There is just one issue in our relationship and it's his ex.

She isn't his child's mum but is remaining in contact with his child as they all lived together for a while and got close. I think it's fine that the child and this ex have remained in contact and still see each other as it's what the child wants.

What is really pissing me off is the child is late teens, has their own mobile, is perfectly capable of arranging something with the ex without having to involve my partner. The ex even let's herself into his house when she returns the child! Messages him to arrange meet ups and suggests things like all going for coffee together or just the two of them (my partner and the ex) when the ex is dropping the child off somewhere!

I'm sick of hearing her name, I hate it when she messages him, and it really upsets me to think she's been in the house, which always seems to be by coincidence planned for when I'm not around. I've tried talking to him about how it makes me feel but he doesn't seem to get it. I think it's inappropriate how much contact the ex still tries to have with my partner but he doesn't think there's a problem. He says it's just about the child and absolutely not an attempt by the ex to continue contact with him. I find that hard to believe though given everything could be arranged very easily between the ex and the child without my partner needing to be involved.

AIBU and just need to get a grip or am I right to feel uncomfortable with this and expect my partner to take my feelings into consideration?

OP posts:

Rainbowdottie · 02/02/2026 10:04

I suppose the context is how long were they together, with the child together. Being together a few months is bit different than being together 10,12,15 years.
Sure I’m not sure I’d like the letting in the house but and suggesting coffees etc without the child…if I’m being really honest I’d like a few more boundaries around that.
but tbh isn’t the saying “there’s nothing like queer as folk?!” Or something along those lines 😅😆. Maybe from her point of view as a mature woman, she’s just being “nice”…taking the child out, keeping in contact with the child, letting the extra know about her intentions with the child, being helpful letting herself in and out. Of course as well if it’s been a long standing arrange that all 3 of them are happy with and working with , of course you’re going to look the bad guy.

I'm not saying you are…I’m just playing devils advocate, giving you the two sided argument.

I don’t know who’s in the right or wrong really. What the relationship like with the actual child’s mother? Maybe if she’s not here or in the picture, the extra you’re talking about, feels a bigger responsibility?

I guess ultimately it’s only you who can decide if you can do this, will your partner set some boundaries and what if he doesn’t

LadyDanburysHat · 02/02/2026 10:08

I don't think this is the relationship for you. I think it is good that he still gets on with his ex, and that she spends time with his child. Your jealousy is a you problem.

WellThatsAlrightThen · 02/02/2026 10:08

Putting the child first is a good thing but she does seem a bit over involved in your partners life. If you’ve spoken to him about it and he’s not changed anything then you decide if it’s something you can accept or not. If not then splitting up is probably best for you.

MikeRafone · 02/02/2026 10:14

This ex isn’t finished business, for whatever reason. Texting an ex to meet up for coffee just the two of them, it’s not about the teenager.

boundaries aren’t in place and it’s severely overlapping into this new relationship

in your shoes, I’d end it. No point continuing a relationship with 2.5 people in it

TalkingShrub · 02/02/2026 10:16

I don’t think this is the relationship for you. His ex has clearly become a friend, and obviously predates you in his life. In his shoes, I wouldn’t be ditching an established friendship, especially when it’s shared by my teenager, for a new relationship that may not last.

Daytimenighttime · 02/02/2026 10:45

You word it as though this a one way thing: that the ex is pushing contact . But the fact your partner doesn't have an issue with the contact he has with her, doesn't see it is a problem, and wants to continue being in close contact with her shows that this is mutual on his part.

It sounds as though they have a close bond and I can understand why you aren't happy. But there is really nothing you can do about it if your partner wants to continue his relationship with her. It sounds as though you would be better off out of this situation and ending things with him.

FuzzyWolf · 02/02/2026 10:46

I agree that this relationship isn’t for you. I’d end things.

Swiftie1878 · 02/02/2026 10:49

It’s really hard being with someone with a lot of ex-relationship ’baggage’. Some can deal with it and some can’t.
It sounds as though you need someone with a more straightforward life and history. I’d step away if I were you.

HygerTyger · 02/02/2026 10:51

WellThatsAlrightThen · 02/02/2026 10:08

Agree with this. At the moment he doesn't really care how this makes you feel.

Sparklinggreen · 02/02/2026 10:52

I think you are reasonable to ask him to consider your feelings about this. It is hard to build a relationship if the ex is hovering around - and I agree that it’s a bit odd as she’s not the child’s mother

However, if he doesn’t recognise your POV then it might be better to hold of from moving in with him and maybe even consider ending it, as you will likely remain unhappy.

LayaM · 02/02/2026 10:53

I don't think anyone is wrong here really, some people do maintain close relationships with exes especially when kids are involved. However you are within your rights not to want to accommodate that, it's not for everyone.

I did want to ask how old you are though. I've found 40+ dating involves a lot of accommodation generally as people come with baggage and histories, it's rarely as simple as it was coming into a relationship in your twenties when you could neatly slot into each others lives.

Endofyear · 02/02/2026 10:55

He and his child are friends with his ex. He's obviously happy with things as they are and his friendship with his ex is long standing. If you can't make your peace with that then perhaps he is not the man for you. Have you tried to get to know her? She is probably a nice woman to have stayed friendly with her ex partner and spend time with the child she is fond of. Maybe if you got to know her, you wouldn't feel so threatened by her?

TheInkIsBlackThePageIsWhite · 02/02/2026 10:57

Dating is all about finding out if you're compatible.

You can't start a relationship where routines have been established for the sake of a child, and decide you don't like it and expect him to change.

All you can do is move on and find someone who you are compatible with.

UnhappyHobbit · 02/02/2026 11:08

I do understand where you are coming from but it’s out of your control. If you wade in and cause issues for how they chose to carry out their co-parenting, you’re going to be the crazy jealous new partner.

You have to determine if this relationship is right for you. Personally, I wouldn’t be involved with any man with kids unless I could prepare myself mentally for all the “baggage” that comes along with it.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 02/02/2026 11:14

Someone in their late teens doesn't need daddy arranging their social life for them.

Fuck that. I'd end it and tell him why.

VoiceFromThePit · 02/02/2026 11:17

You’re not compatible with his baggage, no-one to blame, different people have different attitudes and perspectives.

KarmenPQZ · 02/02/2026 11:19

If they’re so friendly and on such good terms why did it end? I think that’s the all important question.

I don’t think letting herself into the house is ‘coincidently’ when you’re not there bits presumably by design that if she knows you’re there she knows it’s not ok to let herself in. I’m. It saying this is a bad thing. Maybe good that she knows not to overstep.

sausagedog2000 · 02/02/2026 11:20

LadyDanburysHat · 02/02/2026 10:08

I don't think this is the relationship for you. I think it is good that he still gets on with his ex, and that she spends time with his child. Your jealousy is a you problem.

Only on MN would someone think this is a normal opinion.

beefthief · 02/02/2026 11:24

sausagedog2000 · 02/02/2026 11:20

Only on MN would someone think this is a normal opinion.

Show quote history

What a strange thing to say. It seems like an entirely reasonable position, not one for you to bat back without engaging with the substance.

JLou08 · 02/02/2026 11:29

I think someone maintaining a good relationship with an ex is a good sign. It doesn't sound like you suspect any cheating so is it not a positive sign of his character? I'd be more wary of the ones who have a 'crazy ex', lots of animosity and/or contact behind your back rather than being upfront.

TalkingShrub · 02/02/2026 11:45

sausagedog2000 · 02/02/2026 11:20

Only on MN would someone think this is a normal opinion.

Show quote history

It’s a perfectly normal opinion. This ex has become a friend shared by the OP’s boyfriend and his teenager. Two of my good friends are exes. The fact that we ever had a relationship feels mildly comic and unbelievable now. We work far better as friends than we ever did romantically.

SpanielLover356 · 02/02/2026 11:47

DS isn't my XH's child, but we were together for about 9 years, DS's father died before he was born & he regards my XH as a father. DS was 16 when I left my ex & they have always met regularly always arranged meetings without my input. I don't understand why your partner's ex is letting herself into his home (why does she even have a key?) & her son is of an age when he can meet your partner without any input from her.

TalkingShrub · 02/02/2026 11:50

SpanielLover356 · 02/02/2026 11:47

Because you’re clearly not on good terms with your ex, although your child is. The situation the OP describes is entirely different. They remained friends after their relationship ended, presumably fairly amicably.

TheGoddessFrigg · 02/02/2026 11:54

To quote the late Diana, it does sound very crowded...

PurpleThistle7 · 02/02/2026 11:59

My parents split up when my brother and I were 17 and 14 and they stayed really good friends. They co-parented well and after a few years we'd all even go on holiday together - and we still do that now. They have the same kids and the same grandkids (mine) and we all live really far apart from each other so they didn't want me to have to keep splitting our time between them. It really benefitted my brother and I as we never had to choose and they are both always there for anything important.

They've both had various girlfriends and boyfriends along the way, including a couple more serious relationships but they are both single now. I think their choice to prioritise their kids probably did get in the way of some relationships, but we were always their priority and I can really see that now as an adult.

If this isn't for you, move along and find something better but I wouldn't try to change it now - it would only hurt the child in the end (though it would seem obvious she wouldn't have a key to your place if you move in together so if that's the sticking point it seems you could compromise on that!)

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