AIBU to be pissed off with how much contact my partner has with his ex?

[Flamingowild]

I have been with my partner for a year. We don't live togethe but plan to. He has a child from a previous relationship who he has 50/50. He's a very involved dad and a really great partner to me. There is just one issue in our relationship and it's his ex.

She isn't his child's mum but is remaining in contact with his child as they all lived together for a while and got close. I think it's fine that the child and this ex have remained in contact and still see each other as it's what the child wants.

What is really pissing me off is the child is late teens, has their own mobile, is perfectly capable of arranging something with the ex without having to involve my partner. The ex even let's herself into his house when she returns the child! Messages him to arrange meet ups and suggests things like all going for coffee together or just the two of them (my partner and the ex) when the ex is dropping the child off somewhere!

I'm sick of hearing her name, I hate it when she messages him, and it really upsets me to think she's been in the house, which always seems to be by coincidence planned for when I'm not around. I've tried talking to him about how it makes me feel but he doesn't seem to get it. I think it's inappropriate how much contact the ex still tries to have with my partner but he doesn't think there's a problem. He says it's just about the child and absolutely not an attempt by the ex to continue contact with him. I find that hard to believe though given everything could be arranged very easily between the ex and the child without my partner needing to be involved.

AIBU and just need to get a grip or am I right to feel uncomfortable with this and expect my partner to take my feelings into consideration?

Greetings original commenter, I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing this 🫂From my own personal experiences, I sincerely feel that some men, genuinely don't see the signs, or sense when one of their exes is still interested -
One of my 1st dates with a lovely looking guy, was spent with his ex hovering round him, initiating conversations with him right in front of me, like I was not even there -
He was naive to it & it seems your partner is also naive to his ex too
The fact that your partner is a really good partner to you, is immensely promising - So I really don't believe he's interested in her, seems completely one sided & unreciprocated - He just seems to need to see the light & open his eyes to the truth, because his ex is acting completely disrespectfully towards you & does seem to be interested in your partner - She seems like the type who would most likely gaslight anyone confronting her about this & might well, even be in denial, of her own feelings... I really hope your partner soon commences to realise, what you already are able to see 🙏
Wishing you all the utmost best

I think it is right that she does not make direct arrangements with the child. It would be wrong if it were otherwise.

It is understandable that you don’t like any of this though.

Where is this child’s mother?

It sounds as though you are his third important partner.

I can’t see that you’ve come back with a response to a previous post asking how long your partner and his ex were together? This would have a huge bearing on things for me.
however, the fact the child and ex still want contact with each other shows they had a great relationship whilst they were all together. You also don't say if the child’s mum is in the picture?

what is your relationship like with the child? Is this having an affect on your relationship with the child? Or is everything well? I do think it’s great that they have a great bond, and if your ex is happy for it to continue the ex must have been a good influence on her, I’m assuming?

I do see though that this would be hard for you. I don’t think your partner and ex should be meeting up together or arranging outings as a ‘family’ unit. That isn’t on. He’s with you now, if he wants you in his life he needs to have some stronger boundaries in place with the ex. She can’t possibly just walk into the home if you’re living together, so he needs to decide if it’s over with her or not. He doesn’t seem like he’s certain at the moment in all honesty x

You’ve not even moved in together and you’re mad that his ex who was clearly a large part of his child’s life sometimes when with the child comes into his house. HIS house not yours not shared.

Quit now and find someone else.

There are lots of men who are living and breathing and walking around in the world entirely free of children and expartners and spouse's. I found one. I'm sure you can find one too Op. I married a childless widower aged 38. I made a conscious decision that I didn't want anyone who had divorced and already had children. If you don't like how things are going then remove yourself. There are other people out there.

The ex isn't the child's mother, so it's not exactly co-parenting.

She shouldn’t have a key. She’s an ex

how long were they together /living together ?

why did they split

how do you get on with the ex ex. Aka mum

The ex isnt the child‘s mother.

But being friends with someone is completely different from being in a romantic relationship with them.

Yes, it's nothing like co-parenting. Some people just skim an OP and answer a scenario they've completely imagined, don't they.

Although I'd be fine with the ex maintaining a relationship with the DC, I would find the ex letting herself into his house unacceptable, and it sounds like you do too @Flamingowild. Since you've raised it with your DP and he seems to consider that it is reasonable, it appears you've reached an impasse.

It's totally fine that you both feel differently about this issue, but you need to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you. If it is, let your DP know and he can decide whether it's the hill he wants your relationship to die on, or if he's willing to be more mindful of your feelings and have a word with his ex about boundaries.

This. They don’t need to be a threat.

It’s a nice thing potentially to role model to daughter, and daughter may really need a positive female role model.

Doing it when you’re not around to me is potentially being respectful of you now being in his life.

I am curious though, how long, who ended the relationship, why, etc..? 🤔

Not only is she not the child’s mother but that child is a teenager now. This would absolutely other me too. It’s what your partner does after you tell him how you feel that would decide the future for me.

*bother me

It’s too messy and I’d probably end it.

Exactly… that post is so weird.

This is one of the weirdest things I’ve read.. and I’ve been here 20 years 😂

This is not the boyfriend for you.

I personally would not be into this dynamic. My DH has a child with his ex so they do obviously have contact but over my dead body would she let herself into my house on a regular basis. Some people don’t feel threatened by exes, but many of us do and in my experience usually those feelings are coming from untrustworthy behaviour. There is no need for coffees and cosy chats with an ex when you are trying to establish a new relationship imo.

If this is the relationship they have then you need to deal with it. She's his Ex. If you can't cope that they're still close then this isn't the relationship for you, sorry.