AIBU to be pissed off with how much contact my partner has with his ex?

[Flamingowild]

I have been with my partner for a year. We don't live togethe but plan to. He has a child from a previous relationship who he has 50/50. He's a very involved dad and a really great partner to me. There is just one issue in our relationship and it's his ex.

She isn't his child's mum but is remaining in contact with his child as they all lived together for a while and got close. I think it's fine that the child and this ex have remained in contact and still see each other as it's what the child wants.

What is really pissing me off is the child is late teens, has their own mobile, is perfectly capable of arranging something with the ex without having to involve my partner. The ex even let's herself into his house when she returns the child! Messages him to arrange meet ups and suggests things like all going for coffee together or just the two of them (my partner and the ex) when the ex is dropping the child off somewhere!

I'm sick of hearing her name, I hate it when she messages him, and it really upsets me to think she's been in the house, which always seems to be by coincidence planned for when I'm not around. I've tried talking to him about how it makes me feel but he doesn't seem to get it. I think it's inappropriate how much contact the ex still tries to have with my partner but he doesn't think there's a problem. He says it's just about the child and absolutely not an attempt by the ex to continue contact with him. I find that hard to believe though given everything could be arranged very easily between the ex and the child without my partner needing to be involved.

AIBU and just need to get a grip or am I right to feel uncomfortable with this and expect my partner to take my feelings into consideration?

YABU for making excuses for him. He absolutely gets it, and he doesn't care enough that it upsets you, to curb the relationship. And maybe he shouldn't.

Long and short of it-
They have a very amicable relationship that works for them.
The ex is still an important part of their lives.
You need to decide if you can accept this and if not, move on.

You have already made your feelings clear, so be prepared to hold your boundary or drop it low enough to accept what upsets you. 🤷🏾‍♀️.

This is your future.
You cannot change what he obviously enjoys.

Utter madness that you would consider moving in with him.
You are not compatible.

Save yourself heartache and move on.

I think he’s just not for you.
I couldn’t be in that relationship.
But I also know people who have separated parents who have then each re-married other people and all 4 of them now go on holiday together. Absolutely bizarre to me but to them it’s normal and it works.

You can’t change your partner or his ex, not without causing a huge issue which will ultimately cause problems to the teenager.

I think it's odd due to age of the child. Late teens and the ex let's herself into his house when she 'returns the child'. Child is what 16? 17?

the child is late teens? thats an adult. if she wants to hang with his ex fine but it doesn't have to be in his house.

i think you’d be best ending it with him as it’s all too messy.

You can do better than this, end it

The ex hasnt let go. Either put up with it or end the relationship. Its hard to try and change somebody else's behaviour. You need to call it a day.

Some exes are like this. Never understood it myself but it does work for some. You’re clearly not comfortable with it so I’d have a word with him and mention it. I think you’re right given the context- not his biological child and not even really a child but a young adult so there isn’t much reason for this relationship to continue. Guess they’ve decided to remain friends but I agree, it is a bit odd.

The boyfriend has a life beside & beyond the girlfriend . So what ?

Again, odd due to age of the child. It’s one thing remaining on friendly terms, but to me that is a family meal every couple of months and special occasions. If my ex or DP’s ex was behaving like this, I wouldn’t be thrilled

I'm confused, so the ex isn't the mother but has him 50/50? Or is the mother still around and has him 50/50 and the ex just meets the child occasionally? Basically, how often is this a problem?

Is she letting herself into the house she used to live in? How long were they together?

You don't suspect cheating so what's the issue?

You've only been together a year and don't live together so it's not for you to be making demands for change. Presumably the child has been through quite a bit with parents and then long-term partners splitting up, I think it's nice for the adults to actually be adults and amicable about things.

It sounds like the ex still wants to play happy families. Maybe she thinks she's doing it for the son, maybe she hasn't accepted the split. And DP seems ambivalent.

Whichever way I can understand why you feel uncomfortable so I would end it. DP doesn't support you so you have to decide for yourself.

Nailed it

You’re entitled not to like it, but you’re not entitled to put your foot down and tell him who he should and shouldn’t spend time with.

If you don’t like it, you leave.

Ex is still very involved in his kid's life and this is a long standing relationship between the three of them. They're likely never to be completely finished the way you want them to be.

You're a very recent gf. I think you're jealous and your expectations are unreasonable. Why should he change his life and his kid's life to accommodate your jealousy?

If you can't deal with her presence in his life, move on.

Nope. It’s a really reasonable way to be. Being so insecure and jealous over an ex is the weird thing. You’re creating bad feeling.

It’s not a “you problem” this is not normal particularly as the child isn’t hers. She’s using the child to cling onto her ex, and your DP is either loving it or too stupid to see what’s happening.

run

They are not “co parenting” she isn’t the Mum to this “late teen” ie likely legally an adult!

There’s no evidence whatsoever of that, only that two people who used to be in a relationship stayed on good terms after their breakup, cemented by the fact that one of them is also close to the other’s teenager.

Boundaries are for you to act on. Not enforce on others.

if you think it’s over much, then leave. Rather than interfere in his & DC friendships. You’ve spoken to him about it and he doesn’t have an issue with it.

stop trying to change his behaviour and change yours by moving on.

I think you're rushing things to plan moving in after a year, especially with the issues you have with ex's house access and the privacy issues that are going to arise and that he has an ex that will always be around.

I've tried talking to him about how it makes me feel but he doesn't seem to get it.

He gets it, he just doesn't want to upset the cushy setup he's got.

I don't think this relationship is a good fit for you because of your jealousy but he's also sounding a bit problematic if you move in. Exes usually don't have free unlimited access to their ex's home. Exes usually don't meet up for dates after dropping the kid off. It sounds like she's a constant presence in his life. You can feel how you feel and if her constant contact and presence is a deal breaker for you, end it. He's not willing to change how he runs his life for you.

I was talking about his ex, not the OP??

As we get older it is more likely that a new partner will come with this sort of baggage. I think it’s unfair to demand they see less of each other if their way of being friends pre dates your relationship. Which I assume it does unless you were the OW! There isn’t a right or wrong way to break up with somebody. If their relationship
makes you uncomfortable that doesn’t make it wrong.

Ive said yabu only because you knew his ex saw the child and have voluntarily entered a relationship where not only do you have to deal with a partner who has a child with someone else but also who allows another ex contact. I agree with the child being able to see her but why put yourself in this position when you really don't have to OP

I never understood being friends with an ex.
If you have young children together then you have to be civil, but not friends.
Otherwise why? Just stay together. 🤷‍♀️