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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ddad offering financial help then letting me down, how would you handle this?

69 replies

headphonequeen · 31/01/2026 18:22

For the past couple of years, my Ddad has helped financially with something important for my children. He knew this activity was starting and offered to pay - it was never something we expected although we were very grateful.

Recently, I asked him about a payment that was due. He said he couldn’t keep paying indefinitely but would cover this payment and as much as he could in the future. That payment didn’t come.

Three weeks later, I asked again, making it very clear I didn’t expect it and that we’d sort it ourselves if he couldn’t pay but neede to know so we can work out finances. He said he would pay this time and see about future contributions. I checked with him numerous times and made it clear he didn’t have to pay and we’d work it out if it was difficult. It’s now over a week since that conversation and still nothing.

I’m not sure what to do now. It’s a significant amount of money and we need to know if he’s not paying so we can sort something out. We don’t just have that much spare in our account but we weren’t given any warning from my Dad prior to it being due that things might be stopping.

I hate having to keep asking him, it feels so awkward and I feel grabby. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
user593 · 31/01/2026 18:24

I think you just need to pay it yourself at this point. If he wanted to pay, he would. He may be feeling embarrassed about the fact he can’t.

Arlanymor · 31/01/2026 18:25

We need to know if he’s not paying so we can sort something out - well you do know, he's not paying. And I think you have to assume that he can't afford it going forward either. I don't think keeping on asking will help - or result in any money - as he's obviously embarrassed that he cannot continue, otherwise he would have given you notice. It sounds like a conversation he just can't have, which is frustrating, but is the reality.

Applespearsandpeaches · 31/01/2026 18:25

I think you need to work on the basis he’s not paying at this point. You’ve reminded him twice, he’s not paid and sounded non commital about the future, you should take the hint.

EquinoxQueen · 31/01/2026 18:25

I think you sort your finances to cover it this time. Tell your dad not to worry about it and if he does pass the money on save it for next time

Teeheehee1579 · 31/01/2026 18:26

It sounds to me like you are going to have to sort this out yourselves - you’ve mentioned it enough and nothing so hard though it sounds you’ll have to find the payment or stop the activity. If the money subsequently turns up from your Dad then that will help but I think you have to assume he can no longer afford it and is embarrassed to actively say that so has gone as far as he can to basically tell you that without explicitly saying. I don’t think you should bring it up again tbh he probably hopes you’ll just sort it and not mention it again.

ElizabethsTailor · 31/01/2026 18:26

I think you need to assume he can’t pay, sort it out for yourself for the future, and gently have a conversation with him to ask if he is OK or whether he needs any financial help.

TomatoSandwiches · 31/01/2026 18:27

I don't know what more of a hint you need tbh.

LizzieSiddal · 31/01/2026 18:28

He could have told you long ago that he could no longer give it to you. However you now need to leave it alone and just pay it yourself.

hepsitemiz · 31/01/2026 18:28

I think you should take the hint.

Chickadiddy · 31/01/2026 18:28

If he could have, he would have.
But he didn't, so he obviously can't.

Wishimaywishimight · 31/01/2026 18:28

Stop asking him! He clearly cannot or does not want to pay, regardless of what he says. He probably feels guilty (or perhaps irritated that you persist in asking) so says he will pay and probably hopes you (eventually) take the hint.

You say it is a significant amount so I cannot understand why you can't just take a hint and let it drop.

Just sort out your finances so that you can pay yourself and relieve your dad of what has clearly become a burden / pain in the bum for him.

GalaxyJam · 31/01/2026 18:30

Agree with the others, at this point you need to accept the payment isn’t forthcoming and sort it out yourself. You can’t ask again.

headphonequeen · 31/01/2026 18:30

Thanks everyone, that’s what I thought. We had a conversation last week and he said he wanted me to have the money now when we needed it rather than after he died and assure me that he wanted to pay it even though I gave him multiple opportunities to say no. That’s why I’m so confused.

OP posts:
Owly11 · 31/01/2026 18:31

You have the answer because he hasn't paid. You will have to adjust and move forward on that basis. If he did commit to it long term then yes he has let you down but he probably didn't appreciate the level of commitment. It's shit but you will have to suck it up.

TheQueenOfTheNight · 31/01/2026 18:32

This is a simple case of actions speaking louder than words.

ElizabethsTailor · 31/01/2026 18:34

headphonequeen · 31/01/2026 18:30

Thanks everyone, that’s what I thought. We had a conversation last week and he said he wanted me to have the money now when we needed it rather than after he died and assure me that he wanted to pay it even though I gave him multiple opportunities to say no. That’s why I’m so confused.

Honestly I would be very worried for him that he has overcommitted, got himself into financial difficulty, and is somehow trying to hide it.

Please try to find a way to have a discussion with him to check that he is OK (without the expectation on either side that he should be giving you money).

ginasevern · 31/01/2026 18:34

He's obviously got his reasons and is too embarrassed or distressed (I assume) to tell you. The obvious answer is to either stop the activity or pay it yourself. You've asked your Dad numerous times now and he either can't pay it or doesn't want to. Otherwise you're vaguely getting into "harrassment" territory. Personally, if this is out of character, I'd be rather concerned about my Dad.

headphonequeen · 31/01/2026 18:39

I don’t think they are in financial difficulty - they are just booking a holiday and eat out at least 3 times a week. Which is exactly what I want them to be doing in their retirement.

OP posts:
EvangelineTheNightStar · 31/01/2026 18:43

How much is what you’ve been asking for? Tens, hundreds every month? How much over the last few years? Are there other dgc he’s feeling guilty he can’t provide this same level of finances to?

BudgetBuster · 31/01/2026 18:45

Jeez... if you kept bothering me for money I'd probably get annoyed and not pay either. He's probably embarrassed to say no he isn't paying considering you keep asking.

He hasn't let you down... hes given you years of financial help by the sounds of it.

familyissues12345 · 31/01/2026 18:46

Is his wife your Mum? Maybe she’s put her foot down over the amount?

headphonequeen · 31/01/2026 18:49

Yes he’s been amazing. He’s been paying for the past 2 years. These are his only grandchildren. I hope Ive not come across as bothering him. He said he was going to pay then didn’t and I asked him one more time 3 weeks later. I’ve never expected or demanded the money - it was his always idea.

OP posts:
headphonequeen · 31/01/2026 18:50

Yes it’s my Mum and Dad.

OP posts:
SENmumof22026 · 31/01/2026 18:50

He obviously won’t be paying anymore, you need to take the hint & pay it for it yourself. Hes not let you down at all, he’s given you years of financial help not many parents would do that.

dudsville · 31/01/2026 18:51

It's a good idea to avoid making any key decisions based on financial gifts. Unless it's in the bank or can't be counted on. Maybe he can't beat to tell you straight forwardly why he's said he would pay for this thing but hasn't, maybe something else is going on, either way, if this is something you/children want to be able to do reliably then it needs to be budgeted out of your regular income.

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