Ddad offering financial help then letting me down, how would you handle this?

[headphonequeen]

For the past couple of years, my Ddad has helped financially with something important for my children. He knew this activity was starting and offered to pay - it was never something we expected although we were very grateful.

Recently, I asked him about a payment that was due. He said he couldn’t keep paying indefinitely but would cover this payment and as much as he could in the future. That payment didn’t come.

Three weeks later, I asked again, making it very clear I didn’t expect it and that we’d sort it ourselves if he couldn’t pay but neede to know so we can work out finances. He said he would pay this time and see about future contributions. I checked with him numerous times and made it clear he didn’t have to pay and we’d work it out if it was difficult. It’s now over a week since that conversation and still nothing.

I’m not sure what to do now. It’s a significant amount of money and we need to know if he’s not paying so we can sort something out. We don’t just have that much spare in our account but we weren’t given any warning from my Dad prior to it being due that things might be stopping.

I hate having to keep asking him, it feels so awkward and I feel grabby. I just don’t know what to do.

But why even ask twice? If he was going to pay he would have paid liek he did previous years.
It's actually insulting asking him multiple times when he's already paid for 2 years. You should have spent that time making a plan so that you could provide for your kids activities.

I shouldn’t have said let me down. I meant it in the sense that payment hasn’t materialised not that he’s let me down - it’s been a massive help over the years.

This. I voted yanbu because I feel that your dad should have been more explicit. He obviously can't /won't pay any more.
Don't ask him again

@headphonequeen... Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

He will have his reasons and you have to respect that.

Assume the funds have dried up and act accordingly. You have asked enough.

It's great he's helped but I get the annoyance when he's saying yes but not carrying through. Have a calm conversation saying you'll rejig and finance this yourself going forward. He will either then transfer it one last time or you understand his words can't always be relied upon. It's strange he had no difficulties saying no more but added one last installment was coming that naturally he took at face value. Can the activity place call him direct for payment?

You're getting a fairly hard time because MN doesn't like people getting financial help from parents, but I think you were right to say that he's let you down. If he'd told you before the bill became due then you'd have had a chance to pull your kids out. Now you've got to find the money yourself when you might not have chosen to continue with the activity if you needed to pay yourself.

He's also given you mixed messages and caused you stress and embarrassment.

None of that is a nice way to treat someone, especially your daughter.

He’s paid for two years - he’s clearly overextended himself to try and help - he’s unable/too embarrassed to fully articulate this (despite the massive hints implied in his words and actions) and you think it’s cool to get the activity place to contact him directly to embarrass him further? Glad I actually like and love my dad and don’t treat him like my personal credit card!

I don’t think that is necessarily accurate. He may just not want to pay it any more. Older people tend to get less generous & more careful with money in my experience.

I think you need to assume he isn’t going to pay this time or in the future.

You don't expect it yet you KEEP asking about it?
Perhaps it's time to grow up and pay your own bills?

I think the answer is quite clear about whether he is paying or not and you need to take this over now

Assume he's not paying at this point and move forwards on that basis. Tell him once its sorted not to worry about it any more.

I disagree with a lot of the other posters, it's absolutely fine if he can't/won't pay any more, and its really kind he's covered it for a while but he should have told you he was stopping before this payment was due. I think it's not really on to say you'll pay for something then just not do it last minute. Much better to be honest than string someone along even if its with good intentions.

You need to pay your own way and stop sponging off your parents.

In my experience that’s got nothing to do with age, but more to do with affordability.

He offered to pay, initially.
There is so much resentment on here towards people whose parents offer to help out financially. My dad pays for something for my children. £3k a year. He wants to. I’m not ‘sponging’, he’s using his own money for something he wants to pay for. If he didn’t want to, I’d pay it.

I think people are being a bit harsh towards the OP. It’s not like she’s sponging off her parents. It’s not unusual in my experience that conversations often go along the lines of a child wanting to do or have something expensive, the parents might even express reservations because of how expensive it is, so the grandparent gets involved saying “I’ll pay”. In this case, child has started expensive activity on the basis that the grandparent is paying, and now the grandparent can’t/won’t pay anymore, so really what are the options, aside from a) pull the child out of the activity (that they are presumably enjoying and may be quite good at now that they’ve done it for a couple of years) or b) parents fund it themselves - but they haven’t budgeted for it because they weren’t expecting to, and may have even said from the outset that they couldn’t really afford.

Anyway OP you know what you need to do, somehow find a way to pay yourself this term/year depending on how it is billed, and remember that most activity providers will work with you on payment plans if needed and if you contact them early enough.

Just to clarify a few points as I think some assumptions are being made.

I didn’t ask my dad to pay in the first place, he offered, and has been contributing for around two years. When the most recent payment was due, I flagged it because it was time-sensitive, not because I was expecting or demanding anything.

When I followed up after three weeks, I explicitly said we could manage ourselves if he couldn’t pay and that there was no expectation. He reassured me he would pay on both occasions. My issue isn’t the money itself, it’s being told “yes” twice and then left in limbo with no communication.

I’ve now assumed it’s not coming and will cover it ourselves. I was asking for perspective on whether feeling irritated by the lack of clarity was unreasonable, not whether parents should ever help adult children.

OK, so how much is it?

Well I’d worry there’s something wrong as it sounds like he’s forgotten, meaning something else is at the forefront of his mind?

He doesn't want to do it anymore but doesn't know how to say it properly and its come out wrong I think. Definitely take the hint, pay yourself, and tell him its all sorted and a big thank you to him for the last two years so he knows it isn't awkward and he doesn't need to feel embarrassed.

Sounds really strange, is he alright? I can't imagine promising and then just not paying, and then promising again and still not paying. Can you talk to your mum about what's going on.

Not keeping promises at short notice is a pretty dishonourable thing to do in my opinion. If your DF doesn't want to pay it anymore he should say so. You'd only be a CF if you then pried or insisted IMO.
If this was your ex-DH or a friend or virtually anyone else, you'd be getting different responses, MN is really weird about parents paying for things. IRL virtually everyone I know helps their DC or DGC with things quite openly.

What is hard for me isn’t about the money, it’s the uncertainty. Being told yes and then not knowing where things stand is unnecessarily stressful. I just don’t know why they couldn’t just say we can’t pay anymore so we could sort out our finances rather than saying they would then putting us in a really difficult position. I just didn’t think they were like that.

I don't think you were being unreasonable and understand why you are upset. He made a promise and gave a committent of support to you and his grandchildren.
He has obviously reneged on that but hasn't had the manners or courtesy to say he is no longer willing to continue. Fair enough, it's his perogative to withdraw but how he has gone about it is rude and disrespectful.
You are justified in feeling hurt and confused by his behaviour.