Ddad offering financial help then letting me down, how would you handle this?

[headphonequeen]

For the past couple of years, my Ddad has helped financially with something important for my children. He knew this activity was starting and offered to pay - it was never something we expected although we were very grateful.

Recently, I asked him about a payment that was due. He said he couldn’t keep paying indefinitely but would cover this payment and as much as he could in the future. That payment didn’t come.

Three weeks later, I asked again, making it very clear I didn’t expect it and that we’d sort it ourselves if he couldn’t pay but neede to know so we can work out finances. He said he would pay this time and see about future contributions. I checked with him numerous times and made it clear he didn’t have to pay and we’d work it out if it was difficult. It’s now over a week since that conversation and still nothing.

I’m not sure what to do now. It’s a significant amount of money and we need to know if he’s not paying so we can sort something out. We don’t just have that much spare in our account but we weren’t given any warning from my Dad prior to it being due that things might be stopping.

I hate having to keep asking him, it feels so awkward and I feel grabby. I just don’t know what to do.

I think some people find awkward conversations difficult and just avoid them. Or perhaps when he said he wouldn’t pay after this payment he was hoping you’d say no worries about making this payment.
Why is it causing you so much stress if you can comfortably afford it, is it a large amount of money?

I can't understand how this is in any way unclear. You've asked multiple times, they've said they can't keep doing it and have stopped paying, despite vague mentions of doing so "this one last time".

They're not paying anymore. They have no intention of carrying on. This is as obvious as a sledgehammer.

Maybe he is embarrassed as he can't continue paying any more. Maybe he was hoping to avoid telling you he can't pay this time.
You say they aren't in financial difficulty but are you sure on this? Maybe he has had some financial advice and this has changed how he feels about giving money at the moment and maybe he doesn't have as much available as he would like.

For whatever reason, he's unable to tell you no and have the financial conversation involving saying no.

His inability to do that leaves you in a bad spot. It would be better for him to be honest, but he's not going to do that.

Pay it yourselves going forward.

Jeez. Take the hint. And let him eat out 5 times a week if he wants to. It's his money!

I don’t really see why it became so stressful. I’d always have the amount needed set aside as a backup.
I wouldn’t expect someone to keep paying forever, particularly when it had already been discussed earlier with no follow-up. In that situation, I’d have prepared for it, paid it myself, and if the money was later sent, it would simply go back into savings

Is he forgetting do you think?

i’d speak to my mum and say he promised this last one but hasn’t paid, it’s not like him, is everything ok, youre not in financial difficulties or got bad news from the doctor or somwthimg awful have you? it’s so not like him im worried. i cannot ask him again as i’ve asked twice snd been told hed pay twice. i understand he can pay in future snd that’s fine as it’s been so generous to date, im just worried.

Actually, he has let you down. He made a financial commitment to you/his grandchildren and has gone back on it without discussing it with you. Being disappointed in how he has left you in the lurch does not diminish your gratitude for his past contributions.

If my parents promised to pay my DC’s private school fees and I enrolled her on that basis, I would certainly be disappointed if they suddenly stopped paying the fees without warning given the financial impact on me. That would not mean I was ungrateful for the contributions they had made up to that point.

My mum did something similar.. despite me not asking for the money .it turned out she had forgotten how to write a cheque and had developed dementia.
Is he having trouble remembering how to transfer the money to you ??

actions speak louder than words op.
do you have siblings?
how is your parents health?

Both my parents are in good health and very fit. There’s no question of dementia. I have a sister who lives with them and is very dependent on them (another story).
The last time I asked about the money I specifically said not to worry if he could not afford to pay any more and how grateful we were but needed to know either way so we could plan our finances.
We can get the money but it will take some shuffling so not overnight hence the need for clarity.

Is it for school fees?

YANBU to want clarity, no.

How much money are we talking about here, just out of interest??

Mumsnet hates it when people dare to receive help from family… stinks of jealousy! You are allowed to be grateful for the help youve received and also be annoyed that it’s ended without any notice, you’ll be told otherwise on here though.

Wonder whether it's something to do with the sister that has affected the decision? Are they her carers and have looked into arrangements for her when they die (sorry to be morbid).

Unfortunately I learnt from a very young age to never really trust or rely what any man said, fathers, brothers or friends, only their actions.
I'm sorry he has let you down.

He did not let you down, he paid for two years. Perhaps he has been waiting for you to say 'its ok dad, we've got it from here, thanks for your help last 2 years' , You should have been looking to the future and how you would finance this, not expecting him to finance ad infinitum. He would probably be devastated to hear you say he let you down.

I agree with this too.

Would be different if you were here saying Dads told me form next term he can no longer pay etc.

Honestly, I’d still be worried something else was going on, as this seems quite out of character from what you are saying.