Would you bother with this man?

[Sunshine386]

Been on a couple of dates with someone online, however one was mid December, the last one was a couple of weeks ago. He couldn't meet over Xmas due to being busy, away and not very well. First one was a drink and second one was a coffee date, meeting half way location wise.

He does text me but hasnt asked me out again, and to be honest I don't reply for a few days because it's in the back of my mind that interested men who are looking for a relationship act more assertively than this and are trying to meet you once a week or something. I can't tell if he's just laid back, because he also does seem that way. I gave the benefit of the doubt over Xmas but to be honest I thought he would be trying to meet up with me sooner after the second date, but already two weeks have gone by and he hasn't asked again. Yes I know I could ask but I don't want something where I have to drive everything.

Would you ever bother replying to messages from this man or regard him as a time waster? Or I sometimes think, maybe men hold back effort of they think you are chilled and not that interested. I'm looking for something long term and also going on dates with others. I just don't want someone where every date is 3 weeks apart.

OP I am the same as you. With a lot of men it’s like pulling teeth. I find that these sort of exchanges leave me feeling too on edge, over thinking it and unsure so personally I’d just cut your losses.

He may be the sort who ‘goes fishing’ when he’s a bit lonely with a ‘hey, how’s you?’ message later on so be wary of that.

I dated then married before all this nonsense way of dating became the thing so I appreciate that I am a dinosaur in this regard, but I only ever wanted to go out with someone that WANTED me, that was so keen to see me again, that would make the time even when it was inconvenient. Anything less was time wasting. How would you ever move from a can’t be bothered attitude to him being the one for you otherwise?

It sounds like neither of you are interested. What's the point?

Thanks to everyone saying I'm immature 🙄 sorry but I'm late thirties and used to men being more forthcoming. Not really used to this laissez faire attitude that the men online seem to have. It doesn't make you want to give much back when someone can't be arsed unfortunately and breeds the same attitude in you.

It seems like with men, if it's not hobbies taking up all their free time, it's work, or being tired from work.

Why are you blaming men for.not being interested in you when your clearly not making an effort either.

Its 2026... if you can't be bothered then don't online date.

I dont mean I can't be bothered making an effort with all men at the outset, I mean the ones who can't be bothered making an effort when trying to date

Can I ask, is the viciousness the same on lots of mumsnet posts?

I get some people don't like my post but there's some real nasty and scathing messages here and I'm shocked that my post warrants that level of horrible messages. Is this the online disinhibition effect or something.

Others have surely had the same frustrations with online dating and being stood up, people not communicating etc. It's a frustrating world. Perhaps not and you have all never online dated and are all ignorant, who knows?!

Yes, mumsnet has descended into a cesspit with a lot of MRA and 'pick me' types, unfortunately, plus a load of people who always pile on just to pick a fight with the OP.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I ditched the last guy I was online dating because of this - it was just stilted and I didn't think he was really that interested. I need more than that.

I met (now) DH shortly after that. I have never doubted that he was interested in me - it was just so obvious.

Thans scarlettsarah. Its just with my message earlier, budgetbuster responded within about a minute with a bitchy message as though they are sitting on the board waiting to pick a fight with me or perhaps others on other posts 🤣

Yeh, I'm used to that before with previous relationships.

Are you interested in him OP? That is the main question, if so make it clear to him and take it from there, regardless of what that outcome will be because at least you'll know and not be thinking "what if". Some people need clearer signals someones interested. If you aren't interested then call it a day.

You have been concentrating on what he thinks of you. What do you think of him? Is he a good catch and worth making a bit of effort for?

I guess you meed to be wary of what the future would look like though. If you were into him, but he left all the relationship work to you, would he also be like that when it came to looking after children or doing the housework or giving you attention?

I don’t think you are wrong in trying to set out some expectations right at the start of a potential relationship.

However, having said that, two dates isn’t very far in. Perhaps you two just don’t know each other enough yet or there is still room for misunderstandings where he might be waiting for you to make a move and he’s trying not to be pushy.

I think if you like him, message him for another date. Just go from there. After three dates you should know if it is worth persuing further.

I wasn't being bitchy. You have made a whole hooha out of a man not jumping to fawn over you, when you have been rude and not shown interest in him.

I got a notification on the thread and responded... I think I only commented once or maybe twice before that (yesterday).

I wonder if the real reason he was unavailable over Christmas was because he’s in a long term relationship?

I’m sorry but this is unkind. She hasn’t made a HooHaa….. she’s asked a genuine question about something I and SO many others have experienced. Stop being rude.

Just to be clear... you expect a man to be showing you loads of interest, whilst you show them none?

It’s not about you being attacked OP it’s that rather that most don’t get why rather than either ask him to meet again or bin him off, you’re wasting energy on playing games to test him.

Either ask him straight out or let it go.

This

When I ran the gauntlet of OLD I was always quite upfront if I was interested in seeing someone again. If I heard nothing back for days from a 'had a lovely time this evening, would be great to meet up again soon' type of message I would just assume they were not interested and move in. If in some instances they did come back a week later I would either assume they are playing games or just not that interested. Sending a thoughtful text takes 2 mins, if they cant bothered to do that then sorry, you had your chance.

I am not actively playing games, it just doesn't seem like a priority to reply to someone who can't be arsed and isn't asking me out again. You make it sound like it's some sort of strategy I'm employing. And sorry but I am of the opinion that men who dont ask you out in the early days do turn out to be the type who need cajoling to do everything further down the line and can't tie their own shoelaces.

Well I wouldn't like to see it when you are actually trying to be bitchy. Are you this rude in person, surely not 😅

So why are you bothering to reply at all? Just delete him - job done. If he’s not for you why drag it out? That’s what comes across as game playing

Again... I'm not being rude 😂
I'm blunt... yes...

Maybe this is why you have no luck online? You take everything to heart but spend 3 working days deciding to reply

People really don't see how life has any shades of grey on here do they. Everything is just black and white. It's either ditch or date, sometimes you're not overly sure about someone after a couple of dates.

Was just trying to find out if others have any similar experiences, and thank you for the helpful responses, but I'm convinced at least half of the rude replies are from teenage boys so thank you and get back to your gaming 😅

@BudgetBusteryou can’t resist can you? Rudeness is a matter of opinion and yep, in my book you are rude, verging on nasty.

The OP asked a genuine question and you seem unable to reply without a little dig. I wonder how happy you are in your own life.

OP bin this one off. He’s just not that into you.

It is annoying, no it shouldn’t be so hard to get a man to actually text back, or politely say thanks but no thanks.

This nails it.

Why would anyone be interested in a ‘lukewarm’ man.

It’s death by 1000 swords.

Yes , this exactly , & there would be none of this bullshit , I’m busy all of Christmas, I’m sick !
They make time when they’re truly interested because they would be afraid you would get swiped up .
They make sure you know they’re interested .