Heavy Drinking in Retirement

[BeanQuisine]

I'm of late middle age, retired with adequate funds, live alone and have very few responsibilities. But I have problems with anxiety and sorrow, which tend to be getting worse with age.

Trying to enjoy my last years creatively, and making some progress on that front, but I must admit I'm finding the alcohol a very mixed blessing indeed.

When I do drink - which is not every day - I don't mess about. A drinking day & night usually means the equivalent of a full bottle of spirits (20-25 standard drinks) usually as wine and fortified wine, but often involving whisky, gin, beer and cider.

I drink alone and I love the mellow feeling. My aim on these designated days/nights is to push all worry and tears aside, and achieve a certain timeless contentment while enjoying reading and cosy web-surfing, either in my study at the computer, or at other times in an armchair in the living room with a collection of books.

Occasionally I'll sit at the harmonium and sing some of my own songs. Occasionally I'll watch old films or old telly on DVD or YouTube. Sometimes I'll go to the moon or Mars or outer limits of the universe.

But all the while, I'll be aware that this drinking is not doing me any good physically, however much it may seem to augment my enjoyment of life.

It's also making it increasingly difficult to engage the creative side of my life, as each binge on the booze takes a day or two of recovery before I can get back into creative projects. And my time on those endeavours shrinks as the next drinking splurge arrives.

And perhaps most disturbingly, the range of experiences I can "allow myself" to relax and do, without the relaxant of alcohol, also keeps shrinking. Reading fiction, watching films and similar activities, all now seem to require drinking to be enjoyed. When sober, I'm increasingly just playing solitaire and other simple repetitive activities, to keep the sorrows at bay.

I'm sure many other people have found themselves stuck in this relationship with the drink. Looking for some advice from those who've managed to sensibly cut down, or indeed give it up entirely, and what techniques and approaches they found helpful.

YABU - Just go with the flow, your life will see itself out comfortably enough.

YANBU - Get a grip on the booze, you still have much to offer yourself and the world.

You sound bored to tears.
Do you get out of the house everyday?
Do you exercise everyday?
You sound very creative, could you volunteer your time teaching in your field?

Could you stop drinking for February? think of something to do everyday for the month so that you're busy & occupied.

It's such a waste of your precious time to sit with the booze.

Go over to the alcohol board, it is full of helpful support. There is an excellent thread just now on 100 day sober reset. Lot's of women realising their relationship with alcohol is not as they'd want it and supporting each other through 100 days.

Best of luck.

I am a year sober and EVERYTHING is better.

No, I'm not bored. Have a very full load of interesting things to be getting on with, if I could.

But it's that time of life where lovely old friends and relatives are passing away, and more are expecting to soon.

So I have all that grief to be coping with and various regrets about my own life. It can be difficult to hang on to a steady enthusiasm for life, let alone the kind of creative energy I had in youth.

I know there must be some way to grow stronger and more serene, without the drink. I also know this is my year to do it, because I'm not likely to last much longer if I don't.

At that level of drinking, on your days off (not hangover but the other days) your mood will be lowered due to alcohol. Your sleep will not be as good.

I think you need a total break for a couple of painful months to see what your baseline mood is now maybe ?manageable with better sleep, better overall mood, physically feeling better, more ability to be creative and more ability to do other things to switch off. When you are off alcohol for a couple of months you might be surprised what other less dangerous things can be a crutch or escape. Good luck.

Thanks, FizzPlease. I didn't know there's an alcohol board here, and I can't seem to find it. Do you have a link?

Glad to hear you're enjoying life off the drink.

You're sinking a full bottle of spirits three times a week? That's far past the "you've probably got a drinking problem" line and well in to "you need to sort this out asap" territory. The terrifying thing about drinking problems is that no matter how bad it is today, if you don't do anything about it then it'll be worse in a year. And it'll continue getting worse until you die an ugly drunk's death.

Talk to your GP. Please.

Hopefully this will link the thread - this is the first one and I know they started a second as it quickly got full. Loads of inspiring support, zero judgement and shared experiences. Worth a read.

Page 40 | Calling time on wine: 100 days sober - starting 01/01/26 | Mumsnet

I got tonnes of support by lurking there when I decided I wanted to give up drinking. The book that changed my life was Alcohol Explained by William Porter - someone on MN had recommended it and it resonated and I have never looked back.

I'm sure you're right. It's just a matter of resisting the internal tide and walking past the off-licence without peeping in.

And it's true that when off the drink immediately after a binge, the brain tries to re-establish its normal balance of chemicals, which means introducing a big batch of the sad feelings that were suppressed while drinking.

So I'm there for hours on end, playing solitaire or crosswords while trying not to think, because it's too painful.

Thanks for that, bookmarked. I'll have a look for that book now and then get some sleep.

Drinking masks the sad feelings but it also very definitely makes the sadness worse when you don't drink.

I always thought I would give up drinking because drinking was so bad for me.
I gave up drinking because after a few days of not drinking I felt better.

Get some help OP. Help with the sadness and help with the alcohol.
You've had lots of good advice on here, please make a positive plan for yourself and get over on the alcohol board.

I don't know how old you are but you're never too old to change. I get a strong feeling from what you've told us about you that you deserve better in life. Please make it happen for yourself.

@BeanQuisine

I'm going to tell you about my DH.

He was always a 'drinker' but it was never a problem. Mostly because he was working and busy on our property and with hobbies on the weekends. When we retired his drinking increased, but since he was always a 'Busy Beaver' projects and the property kept him busy so again, not a problem per se. Then, about 10 months ago he injured his back and the treatment was basically 'no activity'. Within 2 months his drinking went off the charts, a month later he became a verbally abusive drunk. A month after that it became so bad that I was escorted out of our home by the sheriff. That is only FOUR months for him to go from 'drinking a bit too much' to a full blown '24/7 drunk'. He has lost his wife, his children, his dog, and all but one of his friends. Our former marital home (in which he still lives) has become a disgusting pigsty. And all because he couldn't control his increasing alcohol consumption. He's been in and out of our local ER more times than I can count for either withdrawals or over-intoxication. So where is he now? As of this moment he is in a locked psychiatric facility for diagnostic services and hopefully treatment. But guess what? He doesn't think he has a problem. He can 'quit drinking whenever he wants'.

My heart is broken that the wonderful man I married is gone. At this point even if he got sober he has lied to me and hurt me emotionally so severely that I don't know if I could ever trust him again. And his sons are simply waiting to hear that he is dead, either through accident or alcohol related causes.

A substance abuse professional I spoke to told me that alcohol addiction is harder to break than heroin addiction. So you need to get a hold of yourself and seek help before it's too late. If nothing else you'll learn whether you actually have a problem and if so, what to do to conquer it.

It's important to recognise the way that addictions work.

I'm heavily anthropomorphising here, but it can help to see an addiction as an animal lurking in the back of your brain. That animal wants alcohol. It can't go and get it entirely by itself because it's just a lump of brain matter inside your skull. The only way it can get alcohol is to persuade you to go and buy booze and then drink it.

As it's an animal it's quite stupid so all it really knows it's what's worked in the past. As it can't go to the shops by itself, all it can do is manipulate your emotional state. What works with you is that if it makes you feel sad, you (eventually) drink. That reinforces the addiction animal's behaviour. It wants the alcohol > it makes you feel sad > you drink --> it gets the alcohol it wants. It's like rewarding a toddler's tantrums with sweeties. The more you do it, the stronger the tantrums get. If you go round that loop enough times it starts to feel like the decision to drink has almost been made for you; the addiction animal has won.

But you can tell the addiction animal to fuck off. You can tell it that no matter how sad it tries to make you feel, you're not going to get more booze. You can tell it that it's just a lump of powerless grey goop and that it can't make you do something that you have decided that you're not going to do anymore. And if you do that enough times, you'll be free. You can do this.

My anxiety and sorrow rapidly decreased when I stopped drinking. Completely teetotal; unfortunately there is no other way if you can't drink in moderation.
Nothing can make you stop though until (or unless) you get the sudden jolt that makes it happen.
(Go onto an alcohol units calculator if you wanted a short, sharp, shock!)
I did need a substitute; I switched booze for non-alcoholic prosecco because it's fizzy and means I can't gulp it down. Psychologically that helps me 'wind down'. I drink it in a nice wine glass when my son has gone to bed.

So I'm there for hours on end, playing solitaire or crosswords while trying not to think, because it's too painful.

Have you ever sought treatment for depression ? Medication or therapy ? It sounds like you are self-medicating and it’s rapidly tipping over into full blown alcoholism.

I know that feeling you describe. It’s very seductive. What drags me away from it is people and my responsibilities to them - my husband, my children. Do you have important people in your life ? Is there anyone depending on you to be functional, if you can’t do it for yourself ?

All the hobbies etc that you describe in your first post sounds very solitary. Are you lonely ? Do you do anything that involves people or groups’´

Sometimes it’s easier to be a better version of ourselves in company, than it is on our own. I know that living with DH does limit a lot of my worse habits because I just don’t want to be a stupid drunk in front of him.

I have just watched a family member die of alcohol consumption. Please do seek help for this. The alcohol will be lowering your mood, and at those consumption levels will damage your health.

Please seek help. Take it from someone who had to watch their father drown his sorrows for five years following my mum's death. For his age he was relatively fit and healthy and bit by bit the alcohol took away every last bit of that health and killed him. It was horrendous to watch and not to be able to do anything about. He was always such a sociable, happy man and the drinking got earlier and earlier in the day, every single day. I dreaded opening his front door not knowing what state he would be in. I tried everything, finding groups and activities for him to take part in, suggesting days out or a meal at mine but ultimately the alcohol won. Please stop before it's too late.

Research has shown that alcohol has a big impact on increased anxiety. You see it as helping relieve it, but it's probably a significant factor in the increase you've been experiencing.

Agree with previous poster about finding another "escape" that involves exercise and brings you into contact with people without alcohol.

@AcrossthePond55 thank you for that. Please allow me to add my story:

My ex was always a drinker too but it got worse when she hit her 40s. This is, anecdotally, not uncommon - the cumulative effects of heavy drinking plus aging seems to often combine into a rapid decline in late middle age. Our relationship fell apart and then Social Services got involved as she couldn't be trusted to stay sober for the times she was in charge of our DCs.

It ended up with our DCs living full-time with me and seeing her when she was sober which was sporadic. She went on to lose multiple jobs, wrecked multiple relationships, got banned for drink-driving, did detox in hospital several times, spent months in rehab, managed a whole year sober at one point, and nevertheless ended up drinking herself to death in her early 50s.

She was an intelligent, capable, confident, funny, beautiful and loved woman. If you saw her in the street (prior to the last few years of her life at least) you'd see someone who took immense pride in her appearance and who could genuinely be your best friend in the world. And when she was drunk she could be an absolute fucking nightmare.

@BeanQuisine you're still alive. It'll be so much easier to turn this around now than in a year's time. In three year's time you may no longer have that choice. Booze is as optional as custard.

Hi @BeanQuisine
It’s early days for me, but I recognised that my drinking was escalating now I’m retired, and I totally get the desire to numb and escape.
So, I’ve recently signed up on the Reframe app, and I’m finding it very helpful, as it makes me understand better the science behind why I was turning to alcohol and the range of tools and support is worth exploring. There are even online groups you can join via zoom, some of them specifically for retirees.
I think the first month subscription is about £5 so it’s worth a punt?
( I’m a long time MNer but changed my name to make this post, just in case anyone thinks I’m an advertising bot!)
Good luck

@HowardTJMoon

I'm so sorry you went through this. You unfortunately have 'completed' the journey I'm still on and my hope has dwindled to a small tiny ember in a huge bed of dead ashes.

You know, it's a common saying that "<insert 'bad thing'> is a bitch". Well, alcohol is a cunt. It makes monsters out of good people and leaves destruction in its wake.

I think my DH is similar @BeanQuisine
He doesn’t drink quite this much but drinks most days, often listening to old music or films. I think he must be a bit depressed, but he says not.
He’s so much better if we get away somewhere.

You say you have things you could be getting on with and you aren’t bored. Again, I think it’s likely you are depressed and self medicating with alcohol. Perhaps go and have a chat either your GP.
Personally, I think getting out every day, meeting people and doing something social is really important when you are retired. Especially if you live alone. But maybe you need to be in the right place to push yourself to do this.

This is interesting - why is it that some people don’t get much of a buzz from alcohol?
I wish I didn’t get a buzz from it.

My personal opinion is that it's partly genetic. It's an established medical fact that some people react differently to medications than others. People with red hair tend to need more anaesthetic than those who are blonde or brunette. Afro-Caribbean people tend to react differently to medications for high blood pressure than Caucasian people. And I think some people react differently to ethanol than others at a cellular level even if that just meant you could drink a huge amount and not throw up.

Compounding that are a bunch of social cues. If you have grown up in a family where every celebration includes alcohol, where if someone is sad they have a drink to make themselves feel better, if boredom is treated as an excuse to drink, if every meal includes alcohol, if your parents visit the pub more often than they visit their own parents/siblings/friends, and/or if the fridge is always stocked with booze and you've got a well-used drinks trolley, then you're more likely to grow up to have an alcohol problem yourself.

Op do you have friends and a social circle. You say you’re not bored, but nothing in your op indicates you actually go out and do things. You sit and do puzzles waiting for your hang over to go, then get very drunk the next day or so and do it again, but sit and do stuff on your own.

is this rhe issue, you’re lonely?

When my df retired aged 59 he too turned to drink. He’d only really drink on Sunday when dm would make a huge feast.
I’m convinced it was the sudden stop to working that made him drink. If he got a part time job or did done voluntary work, he wouldn’t have drunk.