To feel sad about dd17 becoming sexually active

[WeakandWobbly]

My dd has been in a relationship with a boy the same age for 3 months and we've had good conversations around sex, contraceptives, consent and so on. I have met him (he treats her well) and his family so no worries there. I think i have done the right thing in taking her to get long acting contraception and providing condoms. Its all fairly normal and natural at this age. I know my mum placed a long of shame around sex so we never had these sorts of important conversations when I was a teen, and i struggled when i went off to uni and got involved with guys. I don't want my daughter to start off her sex life like that, and she told me she feels 90% ready.
I work and have friends, hobbies etc
So why am I feeling like a ridiculous sense of loss and sadness? Talk some sense into me....gently!

Sadness is a strange emotion to have about this
it sounds like this has all been handled well by you
shes moving into young adulthood - part of children growing

As previous poster says she is moving into young adulthood and growing up. But I'd say it's normal to feel a bit sad about this. She's no longer a child.

I think it’s good that you recognise this is a little bit ridiculous of you.

This is really a good scenario for your DD - 17, with a boyfriend you like, contraception sorted, open conversations with you, it sounds like she’s being very sensible about it. It sounds like it’s what you’d have wanted for yourself as well in terms of being able to talk to your mum about it.

Maybe because having sex is an adult behaviour? It's quite a significant step away from childhood and you may feel a sense of loss over her leaving childhood?

Plus its hard to transition into seeing them as an adult (obviously she isn't an adult yet but teenage years are a transition to adulthood where they begin to behave like adults). I imagine you still at least half see her as a child and she has been your child forever so it's probably also a bit disturbing to think of her having sex.

Just a suggestion, maybe I am wrong.

The cusp of adulthood is hard for kids and parents. You sound like a lovely mum. Make sure she knows it’s absolutely okay for her to wait and also to change her mind at the last minute too.
She will still need you for a good long while @WeakandWobbly

It's natural to feel wistful about our children growing up.

I read recently - "not losing your virginity but making your sexual debut"

I wonder if you feel sad for your adolescent self that you didnt have the sexual debut you would have liked? And/or worried for DD that she will have negative experiences?

It sounds like great prep and great supportive conversations so far.

Sounds like she's in a great place to stay to be sexually active. I think it's important not just to talk to girls about safety and "be careful', but also that sex should be fun and enjoyable and satisfying for both parties.

We have this societal history of telling girls sex is dangerous, bad, something you have to endure to keep men happy. But I think they will make better choices and be safer if we treat sex as as positive experience when done right with sensitivity, consent and mutual understanding

She's growing up, making her own way in the world and it's inevitable that you feel a bit sad. It's natural to want to keep our kids close and protect them from everything! Be kind to yourself, you sound like a great mum and should be proud that your daughter is approaching this in such a mature manner! And isn't it lovely that she feels she can come to you and talk to you about relationships and sex? It shows what a good job you're doing mamma!

I hear you. It’s because we are letting go of them. We’ve spent years nurturing them to be the wonderful independent people we want them to be, but it’s going to break our hearts to let them go. Hugs OP X.

Like you, I felt the same, even though I knew it wasn't logical. Interesting posts about the psychology from some of the PPs, something in shall think on.

My eldest had sex at 16 and I was blindsided by how upset I was, I cried and cried. It was sadness that they were growing up so fast, grief for my own horrible childhood, triggering because of my own bad sexual experiences, fear for my child’s vulnerability and the potential for them to get hurt…tbh I’ve done a lot more crying and grieving at various stages of my children’s lives than I expected. Motherhood is quite brutal in some ways and mothers are often scoffed at and shamed if they talk about that aspect of it. The brief is: create and maintain the most secure, deepest and most loving bond a human being is capable of, then gradually separate to the point where the other person can function happily without you. It’s hard.

YABU. I lost my virginity age 14. 17 is absolutely fine.

Maybe it’s daughters. I have sons and I was relieved when they started relationships. I didn’t want them getting older and being really awkward or isolated or insecure. Seeing them have girlfriends was a weight off me really. (I was a late bloomer due to shyness and some timidity and didn’t want that for mine).

YABU, as you know, because she’s old enough - you say the boy is nice.

Presumably she doesn’t have additionally vulnerabilities that make you worry, or you would have mentioned it. She’s not being promiscuous or involved in dangerous situations. There are much worse was to become sexually active, from experience.

Let her grow up and continue to be a source of support.

My DD is 17 and i’d be pleased if she had a stable boyfriend and was happy to take this step. She is my youngest of 3, relationships change as they get older and that’s ok.

I have not been crying at all, and definitely not blindsided, as she has been so open about things. Just a sadness that isn't helped by us being in January. From what others have said, sometimes its a lot to get your head round.

I agree. I feel there is more to worry about with girls somehow!

The first time I properly lied to my mother was around this, so good it’s out in the open.
Your sadness is because this is concrete evidence that she’s no longer your little girl.
I have a very close relationship with my DD who is away at uni. I know she doesn’t have a boyfriend currently and does not have a particularly high regard for males in general. BUT! I needed proof of her address for something and asked if she had any recent NHS letters and she told me where they were (she has MS so gets them all the time). I picked one up and just wanted to check it didn’t reveal anything too personal and there it was - a reference to her going on birth control! Now I’d be happy if she had a boyfriend, but it did hit me with a jolt that she was indeed an independent adult human who was making adult decisions totally separate to me. Of course I already knew this in my head, but it did make me feel a bit odd (also that she hadn’t mentioned it to me).
Oddly enough I did not have this reaction at all when my son became sexually active at 16.

Perhaps, as well as feeling sad about your daughter growing up, you're also feeling sad for your own teenage self because you didn't have such a positive experience (you say your mum created a sense of shame around sex and couldn't discuss it).

You are allowed to experience emotions about events in your life. You don't need to be talked out of feeling emotions. It's not a negative to feel things, it's human.

I’m absolutely sure there is. When I found out my younger son had got himself a gf I was grinning ear to ear and had a skip in my step. He had gone through a mental health crisis (as seems normal for those more affected by Covid isolations) so to see him engage in normal milestones was wonderful for me. They are still going strong. My elder son was so shy at school so I felt the same thrill when he too got a gf a few year’s earlier. But that is having boys. I think as long as your dd is happy then you can relax and know you’re a great mum whose dd actually likes talking to.

You are totally right, that's why I say I'm being ridiculous! As "first times" go, it doesn't get better than this. I just need to get out more myself!

Well done @WeakandWobbly for changing a generational view of sex as shameful, with your own daughter.

Your feelings are valid - this is part of the steps towards recognising our children are becoming adults with their own agency.

Acknowledge the sad feelings - but also try to feel pride that you have brought her up to choose a good partner - and feel good about the communication you've established between you, when this was not role modeled to you by your mum. And remember - the fact that she can talk to you about this stuff, means that she will come to you if she is in trouble or needs help... you've done a great job.

I think you can congratulate yourself on being able to help her navigate this. You obviously have a great relationship with her and she feels able to come to you and talk to you about these things. I could never have done that.

So give yourself a pat on the back. And know that if she does need someone to talk to about this, then she's got you.

Just wanted to say - you're a great mum!