To feel sad about dd17 becoming sexually active

[WeakandWobbly]

My dd has been in a relationship with a boy the same age for 3 months and we've had good conversations around sex, contraceptives, consent and so on. I have met him (he treats her well) and his family so no worries there. I think i have done the right thing in taking her to get long acting contraception and providing condoms. Its all fairly normal and natural at this age. I know my mum placed a long of shame around sex so we never had these sorts of important conversations when I was a teen, and i struggled when i went off to uni and got involved with guys. I don't want my daughter to start off her sex life like that, and she told me she feels 90% ready.
I work and have friends, hobbies etc
So why am I feeling like a ridiculous sense of loss and sadness? Talk some sense into me....gently!

It's great that your daughter is able to talk to you about all this. My mum also raised me with shame around sex, and I definitely don't want to pass that on to my kids because, among other things, if you're a bit scared to talk about sex properly with partners, it can lead to contraception fails. Encouraging open conversation about sex is only a good thing.

My 16-year-old son has recently become sexually active with his girlfriend, and that hasn't bothered me in the slightest, but I do think it's a bit different with daughters. I suppose partly because that mother-daughter bond can be such a close one, and this is definitely a cutting of the apron strings, but mainly because sex is higher risk for girls than for boys so you just do worry more.

Well is it about "purity" or about her getting older?

I can see why you are sad but it sounds like you are good, open, caring mum and DD is in a happy secure relationship. You want her to experience all that life has to offer and this - first love, first sex, the excitement and heartbreak - is all part of it. Can you reframe and find peace in the knowledge she is developing and booming in all the right ways? Of course, as with all family, compartmentalise the sex stuff to a black box in your mind and don’t dwell on what’s in there!

I feel exactly the same op. My dd is 17 (18 in the summer) and has been in a relationship with her bf for a couple of months. She is my youngest and we have a close relationship and she tells me most things.

I wonder if it's a girl thing. I have a ds20 and whilst I am close to him too I feel more pensive with regards to dd growing into adulthood, or maybe it's because she is my youngest and with my dc growing up and with my elderly mum coming to the end of her life there are a lot of changes which my brain can't quite take on board right now but it's life and I will just have to move on with that little bit of heavy sadness in my heart.

You know you are being unreasonable. She is a healthy young woman with her own life, who must take her own decisions. You have provided her with all the knowledge she needs to protect herself.

I guess you're sad because she is now a woman, no longer a child.

I wonder if you're wobbling because you wish you could have had this kind of conversation with your mum at her age so you're reminded of bits of parenting that didn't work for you. But you are having them with her, so you're a great mum in that she's comfortable enough to do that. Be proud of yourself and your relationship for that.

YABU and seeing it through the (misogynistic) lense of virginity, which is a social construct, being something to be “lost”. It isn’t. Try to see it through a different lense - she is gaining an excellent part of adult life. Also. Well done - it’s hard to break the chain of generational shame around sex.

That's not the flex you think it is, sorry.

I also lost mine young, too young IMO and I really wish I'd waited until I was older. My parents were hopeless and old-fashioned, I had no sex ed from them ATALL and I didn't realise the severity of some of the situations I found myself in.

OP well done you for having open, honest and responsible conversations with your daughter. It's definitely not something to be shamed for.

This.
There's a lot of grief work in realising your own upbringing/parents didn't do you any favours.

Sounds as though you're doing a great job as a mum, and she's lucky to have you. Sounds like a pretty idyllic situation, and hopefully she's going on to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling sex life. Job done

You sound like a wonderful mum who has given her daughter all the confidence and information she needs to have good and fulfilling relationships. You recognise the sadness, sit with it while it passes and then be proud of how you have brought your daughter up. I am from the generation where most of us were led to believe that sex was not really spoken about other than to be told it was all a bit nasty and not something that "good girls" did and it really had a negative effect on me

I understand how you feel, it's a sign they are really grown up now but it sounds like you have a fantastic, open relationship with your dd. I felt the same way with my ds, he only really had me to talk to as his dad is very ill. I'm so glad now that he felt he could tell me absolutely anything as something sexually health wise happened to him and he was able to tell me absolutely everything and I could help him through it. I could never have had the same level of openness with my own parents, I would have had to worry myself crazy on my own. I see it as helping them through another stage of growing up. They still need us and it must be a relief for them knowing they have someone to turn to. You can't stop her growing up but you'll always be her mum and it sounds like you are a brilliant one.

Really surprised that no one has picked up on this.

"She told me she feels 90% ready."

I would find it concerning if my daughter told me this and would worry that she was being rushed into sex before she was ready.

Thank you, I could honestly cry at this reply xx

I noticed that too. But I took the stance that it'd be more alarming if she declares she was 100% ready.. Because that puts pressure on herself rather than going, I am 90% sure I want to and that will go to 100% in the right moment.

That's her realising she may get near, or even begin and then want to stop... I'd say it's actually positive that she's leaving an element of doubt.

I don't know many girls that are 100% ready to lose their virginity.. Like in the moment it seems a good idea, but then it's a little uncomfortable and not all that thrilling (well that was mine and my friends experiences anyway, I don't know anyone that's had mind-blowing orgasmic sex the very first time)

I have a daughter and a son. My DD ‘made her sexual debut’ as someone upthread put it aged 18 with her long term lovely boyfriend, contraception sorted etc and I did still feel weird about it. I think it’s that young women are so much more vulnerable. It would be her having to deal with the consequences if there was a pregnancy. Plus the potential for being abused and mistreated even if it seems unlikely in this relationship. I guess maybe it’s just a sadness at the knowledge of what they’ll have to face being seen by men as a sexual object which we all know at first hand what that is like to a greater or lesser extent even if it’s just catcalling or leery men in pubs.

What does that moronic phrase even mean? I'm not saying it to 'flex', just to put things in perspective. I wasn't remotely damaged by it, I slept with my sixteen year old boyfriend (we're friends to this day)

It's a stage, OP. Not the "having sex" per se.

Like them not believing in Santa any more.
Or moving up to secondary.
Or leaving home for uni.

You feeling sad is totally natural, imo. Just get through it. You've clearly handled it all really well.

I feel you on this!

Good question! A bit of both i guess. I grew up in a Christian household, and I'd say most religions do a number on women because the men value 'purity' .My dd and I discussed these views at length as well. The trouble with the purity view is that it brings shame to something that is natural at this age. Ive recently seen reels about Christians marrying and still scared to "do it"! My daughter is not a believer btw. Yes, I'm all for self control, but she is not sleeping around, she has great control in other areas of her life. I would say she is a mature 17.

It is because deep down you know it is not right.

You are completely right, thank you.

What is not right?

Wow none of your business mama
Step back.

My DD is the same age and a in along term relationship. I think you are handling this perfectly but understandable to be upset. It is a big step into adulthood. 💐