To not be interested in a relation ho with my sister?

[Pingu99]

edit to say sorry I only just noticed the typo in the title!!

Im going to do my best to share as much as possible here so I hope this is easy to follow!

I’m 26 and the eldest of my fathers children. I have two (half) brothers, who are 15 and 16, and a half sister who is 1.

As is obvious from the above, there are large age gaps between us all. To be clear, my brothers share a mother and my sister has a different mum.

When I was younger I was expected to do a lot for my brothers when visiting my dad. From about age 12 I was expected to make their dinner, clean up after them and generally supervise them for the majority of the time I was there. As such, we have a close relationship now, although it was not always this way as I think my “parental” role meant we clashed sometimes. I feel this was largely down to my dad not standing up and saying it was inappropriate, although clearly my brothers mother is also to blame too.

As time went on I was just the built in babysitter, despite not living with them, as I ‘knew everything anyway’ and I felt a lot of responsibility. They had a rough life, no money and neither of their parents took proper care of them. I have always therefore felt like it was my duty to care for them and help them where I can.

i feel really lucky that I’ve been able to pull myself up by the boot straps into living a good life. I have a wonderful husband, a good job and feel lucky enough to be able to largely do things I enjoy without worrying.

Moving on, my dad married his much younger wife and decided they wanted a baby together.

since they had their baby I have been slated for “having no interest in her”. I will admit I haven’t seen her much (maybe three times) for a variety of reasons.

The summary of those reasons are:

I feel like if I get too involved I will once again be roped into being the free babysitter

I already feel a great duty of care to my brothers (who incidentally my father no longer has contact with) and I don’t feel I can handle another responsibility like this. I do not want children of my own, and I think this is probably due to having to care for my brothers as a child, so I don’t want this responsibility either.

I have my own life now. A life that I enjoy. I’m very close with other members of my family but not my dad nor his new wife. I don’t feel I need this relationship in my life and their child sort of accompanies this.

if I try to express any of this, I get shot down told it won’t happen or told how selfish and horrible I am that I don’t care about my own sister.

im just wondering if anyone things im being unreasonable here? Happy to be told that I am and I need to give my head a wobble!

Of course YANBU. I honestly don't know why you have anything to do with your dad. Sounds like he is after a babysitter.

Surely it’s not either ‘free babysitter’ or nothing at all, though? I mean, I’m not sure what kind of relationship is likely between a woman in her late 20s and her one year old half sister, anyway —what would you like?

Not your responsibility. Let your Dad and his wife parent their child.

I think this is what I struggle with. I don’t know what kind of relationship, if any, I’d want. I’m not maternal and not interested in kids so I don’t really want to play mum in any way, and it’s hardy like we have anything in common 🤣

I would cut the dad loose tbh.

It’s not your half siblings fault that your Dad is who he is. Try not to lose your sibling relationship, whatever you choose to do.

How DARE your father or anyone else call you selfish? How bloody dare he!
I can’t bear that he has you questioning yourself over this.
Tell him if he takes a positive, active role in your brothers’ lives, consistently and not sporadically, then you will do the same for your sister.
That should get you nicely off the hook since offering a consistent, positive relationship is clearly not in his skill set.

whoever is being an arse and telling you that you’re selfish… what do they think you should be doing?…
bet it will be… oh take her to the park/library… why don’t you take her out a walk? Ooo you could have her for a wee sleepover! Wouldn’t that be fun?! 🤨

You don't see your sister, and you are horrible and selfish. He doesn't see his own sons, though.

You are now wrong to be thinking the way you do. Keep resisting his manipulation.

I think what holds me back is that she clearly didn’t ask to be born, and therefore none of this is her fault. But as I mentioned in my post, I don’t know if I can be responsible for another person.

to add, I have a very stressful and high intensity cooperate job, and my husband is a doctor. So we both have very full and at times difficult lives at the best of times.

I also have three sisters on my mums side (none share my dad) who I have a very good relationship with

Yanbu to avoid all caregiving.
however I think a relationship with her, on your terms might be nice. Think of what you could offer eg pop out for a pub lunch to see them next time they’re in your area etc. I think when you’re an old lady especially with no children of your own it would be nice to have a 50-60 something sister looking out for you and making sure the care home staff are treating you well. You just need to be boundaries about not babysitting or being left alone with her.

Who is shooting you down & calling you selfish - your father or other family members? Basically whatever anyone else thinks it's none of their business and their opinion doesn't count.

If it's your father then I'd robably have a serious conversation just once, warning him that it's up to you what sort of level of contact you want with him and his new family. It is of course possible that his new wife won't want to use you for free childcare in the way he did with your brothers, so possibly your worries about that are a bit misplaced. However it sounds as if this is less about the new baby and what might happen in future, and more about your relationship with him. (Presumably there are some reasons your younger brothers no longer see him as well).

If he can't accept whatever limits on the relationship you put in place, then you can choose to reduce or cut contact. You don't owe him anything as an adult, especially given how you were treated when younger.

Yep exactly this! Any suggestion of spending time together is me doing some kind of childcare activity, that conveniently neither parent will attend!

one of the few times I have seen her, she grabbed my dog and he gave her a funny look (sort of a ‘hmm I’m not keen on that’ type look, anyone who has dogs will know) I got absolutely slaughtered for this and made to shut my dog away in his own house because it was ‘scary’ for her.

it feels like anything important to me (eg the dog) doesn’t matter if it impacts them in any way.

I do think that possibly when she is older I would enjoy say taking her out to lunch etc and building a relationship at that point. I just have little interest in a baby/toddler and the care they need (that I’d need to provide!)

Who is slating you? your father?

I do think perhaps you need to talk to someone to set some boundaries.

What do you gain from contact with him which your brothers don’t have?

What are the positive things?

If you are happy with the current level of contact, stay at that. If you would like more with him, suggest that, same with the wee one.

The issue seems to be the comments being made, if that is father I would be blunt, I’m sorry, I’ve already got two of yours thanks. if it’s others who cares?

You sound like a lovely sister OP. But we only have so much to give. if you had a baby tomorrow, would they, he, be helping you?

I feel a bit sorry for her but she isn’t your responsibility. You have a lot of siblings whilst she has contact with none. But I definitely think they’ll try and rope you into care for her.

I think that you have no choice but to keep your distance -at least right now. You were forced to become a free babysitter to your brothers and they’re clearly angling for it again with your sister.

That doesn’t mean they you should never see her, but for now, I’d limit contact to family get-togethers when other people are around.

It’s a sad situation but as your Dad has treated you as a useful pair of hands in the past, I think he’s going to again, which is totally unfair.

At best you'd be more like an aunt to her than a sister if you did want a relationship and you can always say "no, she's your baby not mine" if your dad suggests you look after her. If he gets mad, so what? You're not close anyway.
If you choose not to have a relationship with them at all that's also your choice and doesn't make you unreasonable

Just to add the wife does have another child who is 5, so she will have a sibling in that sense!

a very complicated family I can’t lie 🤣

To be truthful, I keep up a relationship with my dad for the sake of my grandma and grandpa. They would be really upset if I cut him off, and I’m very close with them so I keep contact for their sake.

Equally, they take on a lot of responsibility that they shouldn’t have to, they also did a lot for my brothers. They’re too old do so much physically for my sister now but they financially do a lot still.

@Pingu99 Hmm, I’d be really careful as they might be trying to line you up to babysit both children!

It’s horrible that you have to be so careful, but it’s your Dad’s fault.

She’s still your sister, just be firm with boundaries. If they don’t respect them, you’ve tried.

You have done so, so much already OP. Much more than is appropriate for a 12 year old to have done.

Im sorry you and your other half siblings have to bear the emotional immaturity of your dad’s poor parenting.

Don’t let him emotionally blackmail you into babysitting your half sister. You are not responsible for her.

I hope you are able to put boundaries in this time. Good luck 💐.

OP you sound like a really good person. You had a complicated upbringing and you have made the best of yourself in spite of it and have remained a great sister to your little brothers. Have the relationship with your sister on your terms and don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty about it. You’re an adult with your own life.

As you say, as she grows and you can have a more independent relationship with her, you can do that. She will either grow up and see your dad for who he is and understand exactly why you may keep him your distance or she will be blindly supportive of him and in which case, you will want to keep your distance.

You are not obligated to look after anyone else’s baby and you can build the relationship on your terms when you want to and when she is more aware of everything.

Probably when she’s old enough to communicate with you, you may want that relationship. But it’s up to you.

Telling you off for being disinterested in your half sister is a bit rich coming from a man who has no interest in his own sons.