To not be interested in a relation ho with my sister?

[Pingu99]

edit to say sorry I only just noticed the typo in the title!!

Im going to do my best to share as much as possible here so I hope this is easy to follow!

I’m 26 and the eldest of my fathers children. I have two (half) brothers, who are 15 and 16, and a half sister who is 1.

As is obvious from the above, there are large age gaps between us all. To be clear, my brothers share a mother and my sister has a different mum.

When I was younger I was expected to do a lot for my brothers when visiting my dad. From about age 12 I was expected to make their dinner, clean up after them and generally supervise them for the majority of the time I was there. As such, we have a close relationship now, although it was not always this way as I think my “parental” role meant we clashed sometimes. I feel this was largely down to my dad not standing up and saying it was inappropriate, although clearly my brothers mother is also to blame too.

As time went on I was just the built in babysitter, despite not living with them, as I ‘knew everything anyway’ and I felt a lot of responsibility. They had a rough life, no money and neither of their parents took proper care of them. I have always therefore felt like it was my duty to care for them and help them where I can.

i feel really lucky that I’ve been able to pull myself up by the boot straps into living a good life. I have a wonderful husband, a good job and feel lucky enough to be able to largely do things I enjoy without worrying.

Moving on, my dad married his much younger wife and decided they wanted a baby together.

since they had their baby I have been slated for “having no interest in her”. I will admit I haven’t seen her much (maybe three times) for a variety of reasons.

The summary of those reasons are:

I feel like if I get too involved I will once again be roped into being the free babysitter

I already feel a great duty of care to my brothers (who incidentally my father no longer has contact with) and I don’t feel I can handle another responsibility like this. I do not want children of my own, and I think this is probably due to having to care for my brothers as a child, so I don’t want this responsibility either.

I have my own life now. A life that I enjoy. I’m very close with other members of my family but not my dad nor his new wife. I don’t feel I need this relationship in my life and their child sort of accompanies this.

if I try to express any of this, I get shot down told it won’t happen or told how selfish and horrible I am that I don’t care about my own sister.

im just wondering if anyone things im being unreasonable here? Happy to be told that I am and I need to give my head a wobble!

This has brought me to tears, thank you for your kind words. My life has been far from easy, not just due to this, but i am proud for where I am now ❤️

I don't think you sound selfish. I think you sound self aware and realistic. You've got autonomy now that 12 year old you didn't have. There's no need to feel guilty about how you spend your time.

Thank you for your kind words, I truly appreciate them.

Whilst I’m pretty certain now I don’t want a relationship, I also know if she ever reached out to me with a concern I truly couldn’t live with it. I feel an immense level of responsibility to my siblings, particularly as I’m the only one with “my life put together” as such. It’s very difficult. In fact, when the wife was pregnant, my husband and I discussed if we would take the baby should she be taken away (which was a possibility), as I couldn’t live with knowing she’d be in care.

I feel so torn between obligation and finally wanting to live my own life on my terms!

For one of the first times in my life I feel like I can finally make decisions for me thanks to my wonderful husband who pulled me away from my largely toxic family (on both sides!). I just struggle with the responsibility of such decisions.

I see your point very much. I think he gets so wrapped up in his current partner he goes along with them and what they want and just forgets he had other responsibilities too!

I find your dad pretty awful for having a baby when his relationships with his other children have fallen apart, is he hoping to get it right the 4th time round?

in an ideal world you would have contact with your baby sister and be there to watch her grow up, but also in an ideal world you could have been a sister to your brothers and not a stand in parent

it’s a shit situation OP but I don’t blame you for keeping your distance

@ your dad clearly isn’t interested in fostering healthy relationships, as demonstrated by his lack of care for his sons. So that’s not the reason he wants to encourage you to bond with his baby. He's quite obviously looking for an unpaid babysitter. Again.

Can I recommend the book that always gets recommended? 😆 Adult children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay C Gibson. Its excellent, and gives practical tips for managing relationships. She does a lot of podcasts so you can 'try before you buy' to see if it rings bells for you. Acceptance and commitment therapy is excellent for 'unhooking' from unhelpful thoughts such as 'this is my responsibility'. Google Russ Harris and defusion techniques for ideas.

Thank you so much, I will certainly make note of these and look at them! I have struggled with my relationships with both of my parents so I am definitely up for anything that may help understand and process them. I appreciate your kind comments, thank yoy ❤️

Who are you being shot down and criticised by? Not that it matters, if your father chooses to have children generations apart that's his choice and you are not obligated to have a relationship with the new child, especially when he has treated you poorly in the past. What about your father's obligation to you as your parent? If you had a child do you think your dad would be interested and helpful. You have done enough for your dad and his wayward parenting, including overlooking his poor parenting of you, you don't need to do anything

I don’t think you need to make a great statement about it, but just be extremely busy during the next four or five years (which by the sounds of it you are) then pop up and offer a bit more face time when your little sister is more enjoyable to be around and that time spent with her is actually positive not just you ending doing more free labour for your father

you’re absolutely right to have clear boundaries - but you don’t need to jeopardise a potentially warm future relationship by being explicit about them. Just make yourself unavailable without saying you “won’t” do it

You are not obligated to care for any child that you did not bring into this world or actively choose to care for.

So, do you. Be distant and make further decisions about your relationship with your sister down the line.

She isn’t your responsibility. You feel that she is because you’re caring, but you should be your own priority. You have chosen not to have children as you don’t want that responsibility (understandably).

You dad used you and parentified you to take care of your brothers.

Now he just is trying to see if a guilt trip will work so you'll do the same for his 1 year old.

He's a deadbeat. He doesn't see your brothers. I'd match his energy. He guilts you about the baby, guilt him about making you your brothers' defacto parent and him not seeing them anymore. He'll soon shut his deadbeat piehole.

It might be time to consider going no contact with him if your relationship consist of him trying to use you.

No she didn't ask to be born, but you didn't ask for her to be born either! That was down to the choices and actions of her parents.

Your useless father is just after a free babysitter. It is disgraceful that as a child you were made to assume responsibility for two little boys. You didn't have any choice then, but you do now! She is not remotely your responsibility, so you should not feel guilty. She has two parents that can look after her.

Maybe later when she is older you can form some sort of relationship with her if you want to, but for now keep your distance and get on with your own life as you see fit.

And I can't believe your dad has the cheek to complain about your lack of interest in your half sister when he shows no interest at all in his sons! I would point that out to him next time he starts whingeing.

I don’t really want to play mum in any way,

Has anyone actually asked you to look after or babysit her? I highly doubt the child’s mother wants you to play mum in any way either.

‘Sorry dad I’m a bit busy supporting your sons that you’ve pretty much abandoned but great to hear you’re a better dad now to this little girl.’

She says their suggestions of bonding are all the type where she’d take the baby and look after her. She also says there was a risk the baby get removed, so mum may easily be quite happy with the op playing mum.

I missed this.

What a mess.

You sound like a wonderful person and you’ve done enough.

Please now take time for yourself and focus on your own family. I think you really deserve this.

Thank you for every single comment with kind words and reassurances, I truly appreciate it.

I understand the suggestions re going no contact, but as I said I don’t want to do that for the sake of my amazing grandparents.

I feel stronger in my decision now that I am not being this evil person by not getting involved, and has harsh as it sounds it isn’t my problem in many ways.

I think I need to continue putting myself first for the first time, living my own life, and focusing on that for now.

if in the future my sister needed help or wanted a relationship of her own accord then I suppose that would be a time to reevaluate!

thank you again for the kind comments from everyone here ❤️

Who is criticizing you?

Your dad is awful. What's his wife like?

I think you should not cut your nose off to spite your face regarding your sister. It's not going to be a typical sibling relationship but could be more like a niece? She's the innocent here.

I am probably biased as my DC would do anything to know their half sisters... Who have shunned them completely.

I agree with this. Your dad sounds like a chaotic person at best and its the children who bear the brunt of that.

Boundaries boundaries. And if he seriously thinks he can emotionally blackmail you by calling you selfish i would think about enforcing very strict boundaries regarding him as well.

My dad/his wife

edit to add; other family members don’t criticise as such but do make comments about how “it’s a shame” “not her fault” and I should “be the better person”

Yeah- but you've spent your whole entire life being the better person.

I have noticed consistently over my decades on this earth that everyone tiptoes around the most difficult person in the room- and it's everyone else who is expected to behave and keep the peace whereas the tossers get away with murder.