AIBU to not have sister and her autistic child (nephew) in my home.

[BetUWanna]

Hi all,

I'll try and give as much detail here with trying to remain anonymous. I've NC for this as this will have outing details in it. I'm here to ask for some genuine advice and opinions on a current situation with my family. I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long.

i (30F) have an older sister aged 33. She is my half sister with us sharing 1 parent.
she has 2 children, 5 and 11, one who is autistic (diagnosed) and the other is NT. I also have a 4 year old myself.
She was young when she had her son who was diagnosed autistic when he was 8. I want to preface that she is a single mum, with both kids having different dads, so I'm not saying for a second that this is easy for her at all. I genuinely love her with my whole heart, but our relationship is suffering hugely due to her son's behaviour. She came to stay for Christmas at my home for 5 days. Some of the instances that happened over Christmas:
We were playing board games in the lounge, my nephew said he was going to watch his iPad. I had a Christmas tree at the top of my stairs, and while we were playing games he picked off each bauble individually and threw each one down stairs and most of them smashed to pieces. There was glass everywhere and there were little children who could have hurt themselves.
he picked up one of the pillows on the bed he was sleeping on, took it to the bathroom and peed on it. Left it there for me to find it. He ate his Christmas dinner with his bare hands, slapping gravy over his face and genuinely making a mess. He picked up a glass, launched it across my kitchen which ultimately chipped my wall and smashed. He refuses to use any sort of cutlery whatsoever. He refuses to brush his teeth, to the point he has black, rotted teeth at the front of his mouth. He's apparently been to the dentist and it's 'fine.' He hits, kicks and pushes my sister and the younger children including his younger sibling. I'm worried about my niece who has to live with this and the effects this is having on her. I have offered countless times for her to sleepover at mine with my DD, but it's declined each time.
He scribbled over my walls and regularly went outside to pee in my garden.

He is incredibly intelligent and my sister says he is high functioning, but i don't know if this is accurate. He is home educated and goes to his dad's house every other weekend. My sisters house is clean, he doesnt wreck things in his house, but if someone comes over his house he will start to lash out and misbehave. He will call us names and tell us he hates us.
I am worried for my sister as he is aged 11 and the same height as me, she cannot control or restrain him at all as he is just too strong. She has had training / classes for this but he is too strong. There is no respite for her. My relationship, and the whole families, is suffering now. We don't want to go to her house because he will lash out, mainly at her. We don't want him at our houses, because he trashes the place and can, at times, cause danger to other family members. What is the answer? My sister works hard home educating her children, and works part time when they are at their dads.

I can see this whole situation is isolating her from the outside world as she lives in fear of her son. I want to offer support, but aside from being a listening ear, I don't know what else I can do. I unfortunately won't allow him in my home now, as I have to keep my DD safe and I will not allow her safe space to be compromised. Which means my sister and niece don't come over, as they are always together.

can anybody please advise me on how / what I can do? Will this ever get better? She won't call out his behaviour as she is too frightened of him, which I understand. But it's straining our relationship hugely.

my relationship with my sister is hanging on by a thread. She has other friends and family members but they all seem to be in the same position as us which is isolating her further and resulting in her losing friendships. I am heartbroken for her. Please can anybody share any words of wisdom or any advice. My parents are in the same situation as me, they cannot cope with his behaviour in their home and their house has also been trashed over the years.

ultimately this is a disabled child who is being gloriously let down by the system.

thank you.

Morning all, ive spoken to my Nieces family this morning. Social services are visiting them for an assessment for my niece to be placed with them under a 'kinship' care agreement. I don't know what I can do but I will support them in any way I can.

I unfortunately don't know what's going on with my nephew as we've all been blocked.

Trying to keep this vague and it was only a quick conversation, but it looks like things are happening and quite quickly too. I just wish I knew what was happening with my nephew.

Could you meet in a park instead? Just not each others homes?

Placed with the niece's grandparents, it sounds like?
Seems odd they wouldn't just place with the dad.
Can you contact the nephew's dad?

If SS are concerned it may be the quickest way for the child to be moved temporarily, eg if sister (who is the only one with PR) says she would agree to the niece going to her family but not dad (who doesn't have PR/proof of paternity) It doesn't mean it will be a permanent arrangement especially if dad opts to apply to court.

The spoke to my nieces dad this morning and he was there with his mum. The assessment is happening at his house and his mum is going to be there. It was only a very brief call as I'm working from home today, so I don't know anymore than that.

I am going to try and contact my sister today to see if she will speak to me as I'm really worried about her.

I think kinship care is with relatives other than parents OP, that’s why people are wondering re the dad.

I am very glad your niece will be in a safer environment. She needs that and she needed you to advocate for her.

I do feel worried for your sister too though. She must be distraught, and though I disagree with many of her parenting decisions, I also know that her other child being autistic and violent is not her fault. We may not agree with some of her parenting choices but it seems like she has dedicated her life to her children and now she is a victim of violence in her own home. Autism and MH difficulties in a child make for an extremely difficult home situation.

This is such a massive, unusual step. I've never heard of a child being put on a CiN then few days later being considered for kinship care.

Also, as a PP said, why wasn't the Dad considered?

If posters take this information in good faith, which we have to as we're not there, there must be very serious and immediate safety concerns. I really don't think it's wise to get involved until the dust settles a bit, unless you want to put yourself forward to Social Care and see if you'll be allowed to be involved in Family Group conference and/or considered for kinship care yourself. Personally, I'd really cool off the contact with niece's father and his family as something is just not adding up.

@liamharha You seem to have spectacularly missed one fundamental point here - This is all anonymous! These children are not the only boy & girl living with their single mother. OP hasn’t even inferred which part of the UK she’s in! In fact I don’t think she’s even stated whether she’s actually in the UK!

@StartingFreshFor2026 it's normal for children to be CiN as a 'default' status while there's an open referral or the first assessment. It doesn't mean that SS thought things were low risk and have suddenly changed their mind, just that most start on that level and from the assessment decide where to go next (assessments can take up to 45days but if there's concerns obviously they don't wait until the end of the assessment period)

I don't work in Social Care but do work in closely related fields and I've not yet heard of a timeline working like this. Why not go to CPP first with very specific actions (even like register with dentist) etc?

The vast majority of times, children should be kept with their parents, it's usually in their best interests.

I appreciate OP doesn't actually know everything going on in sister's house but temporary, immediate removal won't even improve the issues raised - dental care, school attendance and child to parent violence are not solved overnight. Is nephew being removed too, or only niece (which would likely indicate nephew isn't in massive danger with his mum)?

Why not place niece with Dad? I know he doesn't have PR, but neither do his parents and niece is used to spending time EOW at her dad's.

I guess no one knows what's going on, even OP, so it's pointless speculating. I'm just so suspicious of niece's dad's story tbh, I think OP should keep her distance until she knows what's going on (e.g. is invited to a Family Group Conference). Clearly SS are aware of OP as she made the call to them in first place...

I don't know anything about the processes social services take, (thankfully) as I've never been involved with them.

I have no reason not to believe my nieces family are being dishonest but at the same time I need to remember I don't know them from Adam. And it's not my place to try and piggy back off each side or take a side at all. It's also worth remembering up until this point I have only had my sisters side of things, and it's been proven that she's been incredibly dishonest about an array of things including minimising what my niece has been going through.

I am going to take your advice though and wait until the dust settles I think it's the right thing to do. My aim was to contact him in the hopes of continuing a relationship with my niece and that has been established, I don't feel I can offer anything else now as what's done is done. I will support them however I can - if I can of course.

I am going to try and contact my sister though as I'm incredibly worried about her. There is still a vulnerable single mum in this as well as 2 vulnerable children.

I still feel so shit about it all and as much as it was the right thing to do, I'm riddled with guilt and sadness.

If you took the time to read my posts I've stated on numerous occasions that op did the right thing contacting SS .
My issue is the continued discussion of a sensitive and personal situation AFTER the appropriate safeguarding has occured !!! What's hard to comprehend about that .?

@StartingFreshFor2026 child protection is a serious thing for parents, so there is rightly a process that takes time to make sure it's the right decision. A strategy meeting, followed by an assessment/s47 enquiry, then convening a conference for a multi agency decision to be made. It's a couple of weeks at least.
If there is immediate danger, there is a process where police can be called an take a child straight away and a court hearing that day or the next working day (for obvious reasons that's rare)
It's also entirely possible that the long term plan could still be for the children to live with a parent, we wouldn't know from the OP (and I wouldn't expect her to share) if this is a temporary 'take the pressure off' solution or more than that. And of course a dad has the right to seek to have a child full time even if there weren't safeguarding reasons.

Their was a thread on mum's net few weeks back asking how many people had recognised people from real life via their anon posts ,,,,you would have been surprised !
Op has divulged a awful lot of significant info on here about family background/ relationships that we didn't needknow and by the looks of it she's continuing too share that information that's isn't hers to share 🤷

You definitely did the right thing calling SS. I can only imagine how shit it feels but it was right. I've had to call police on a family, and make safeguarding referrals and I felt awful and I didn't even know the families well.

If there's one thing every poster is agreeing on, it's that you did the right thing calling SS.

I understand and support op contacting ss ,
I do think she would of been better being upfront about it and tried to get her to engage with the support but again I understand why she remained anon as it's a really awful thing to have to do .
Its clear from the actions SS taking it was justified,however as far as I'm concerned op has seemed focused and intent on neicesl from early on ,I don't believe she went to SS to help her sister cop I believe she went hoping the niece would be removed and don't think she has much care at all what happens to sis and nephew beyond that .
It feels so off .
But it seems we are in the minority and someone's horrific and traumatic experience is a bit of gossip for some 🤷

Yesterday i posted that some posters think the OPs sister and her feelings should come above her children
But that they dont have the guts to say it. Now it looks like you have had the guts to say it.

If I thought that I'd say it .
I just don't thing her sisters business being discussed on here after appropriate action has already been taken is nessarcary or achieving anything 🤷

Apart from the children being safeguarded near on 3 weeks ago this whole thread is remotely unhelpful .

Their own children !

Wow creepy much 🙈
I don't know how many times I have to repeat this to you the same person .
I agree with op referring to SS regarding the situ5theybreally are the best people to safeguard the children and ensure they all received the best outcome ,I don't agree with the continued sharing of information on this forum beyond that .
I hope this will clear it up once and for all .

When my son was really young it was spotted that he was autistic and he was referred to the child development centre and luckily we were trained in how to manage his behaviour. He went from the Tasmanian devil to a lovely well behaved child. The transformation was astonishing and as an adult he is a gentle giant. The problem your sister has is that she can't physically restrain now, and that was an integral part. Gentle restraint and ignoring at the same time. Is there a family member who could help her with this? She needs to do it as soon as possible as he will only get bigger. She should ask her GP to refer him for behavioural therapy.

Banging your head on a brick wall on this thread ,Jesus wept .
I highly doubt anyone truly believes ss should not be involved or that op didn't do the correct thing !!
Beyond knowing SS are taking appropriate action do we need to know the details of someones painful experience when they are not the op nor are they directly involved ?
These children are NOT OPs children ,and I fully understand that the situation will be stressful for her and impacting her and she might want to talk about that but surely she doesn't have to keep divulging the ins and outs of her sisters situation.
You do all realise that the information being shared will be identifying to someone who knows the family don't you ? And that this information is only to be shared amongst relevant agencies from a professional viewpoint .
Its such a invasion of someone's privacy .
Would any of you truly be happy if a trusted family member was talking about the worst time of your life on the internet,really ?

MN these are NOT your children
Also MN It takes a village
Oh wait no not like that.

You are going to have a real busy time complaining to MN to get ALL the threads removed where ppl have posted about their sisters in law mothers in law etc. And ppl have posted about nieces and nephews in the past. All the wedding threads where ppl have posted about their relatives......