Old Fashioned Table Manners

[Unorganisedchaos2]

Probably more "am I being an old fashioned old grump ...."

Me, DD7 and DH live together, only in the last two years had space for a dining room table. We don't eat out much as a family but do on holidays / weekends away. DD's table manners weren't great for a while but I've been really trying to get them in check, she now eats pretty well when we go out, will order her own food and sit at the table without relying on a tablet too much 😕

We are all home for dinner time and I would like to have the same rules and have been asking DD to help set the table, sit nicely through dinner, have a chat about the day and ask before she can leave the table. A few younger family members have commented that is really old fashioned now, especially asking to leave the table?

Also DH, who seems to take no pleasure in siting together for a meal just wants to eat his food quickly, go out for a cigarette then get on with his evening.

Is it unreasonable to ask everyone to sit together for 20 minutes to eat and have a chat and use some manners, or am I out of touch?

You're reasonable to want it, they're reasonable to not

You are completely reasonable to want to do this.

It's a life skill, definitely not unreasonable.

Totally reasonable!! Scarfing down food to then have a cigarette is just weird to me - the evening meal is your time to all spend together, catch up on your days, chat etc. I think it’s the best way to do it!

I can say table manners seem to be less important to people, the horrors I see in the work canteen 😳

YANBU. It doesn’t need to take too long, but 20 minutes is not too much for everyone to engage and eat together.
We also ask if it’s OK to get down and clear the table, and help load the dishwasher, wipe down the worktops and kitchen table etc.
It’s called being a family.

You're a great mum, OP, and by instilling table manners at a young age you're doing your best by her. Ignore everyone else as best you can.

You’re not unreasonable. It’s half an hour of sitting together as a family. Thats important. Its also basic life skills.

Re the asking to leave the table, I can see why kids think it’s old-fashioned to make a formal request, but just getting up and walking off mid meal is pretty rude. Surely some form of checking with you first is to be expected?

Cannot stand bad table manners in adults or children.
many many years ago (DDs now 20&25) I used to filter who they could ask for play dates based on this. The worst offenders were those kids that would complain that they weren’t being served nuggets and chips, then would just leave the table when finished.
i was very wary about not going as far as my own mother, but how difficult is it to not use their fork as a shovel!
Our dinner times with them when they were children were sacred.
even now they know it’s rude to leave the table until the last one has finished unless they ask.
mind you I found myself more than once parroting my own mother, saying ‘That’ has a ‘T’ on the end 😂

I’m in the middle, some table manners are important to me and others aren’t.

I do expect all of the ones you list, including asking to leave the table. However I will always say yes to leaving the table unless everyone else is very nearly finished. I don’t see the point in making someone sit and wait for others who might be slower eaters or have had seconds or thirds (looking at you DH).

YANBU. It's a life skill which pays long-term dividends 👍

It’s fine to be old fashioned as they call it.

If they ever come round to your house to eat just pop their dinner in a trough in the garden.

Table manners have always been important for me, and I still insist on sitting at the dining table with my partner to eat every evening. No phones, put the music on quietly and spend that time to just chat. Sometimes we'll get onto a topic and before you know it, 2hrs has sped past.

My parents would insist on sitting down every night for dinner and we had to ask to leave the table. To quote a line from Kingsman, Manners maketh man

😂

I'm old-fashioned, because I'm old :) I am eternally grateful to my mother for teaching me proper table manners - there have been a few times in my life when I've been at a formal dinner, and could relax because I knew how it all worked. My table manners at home are awful - but I know the 'correct' way to behave. I still remember having to say 'thank you for the nice dinner/lunch/breakfast, please may I leave the table?' after every meal - Mum had a bit of a thing about it - but it never harmed me!

We always sat at the table when mine were children apart from Friday nights after swimming which were jacket spud on lap and TV night so a treat.

I think you're right and it's important enough to pursue against opposition. Not only for the social connection of 20 minutes or so when you chat, but also because it encourages 'mindful eating', which has health benefits. Focusing on what you're eating, and linking it to formal and structured meal times is associated with lower levels of over eating than grab whatever wherever while you're on a device.

It's totally normal and is positive for your family dynamics. Growing up we always said "thankyouformylovelyteapleasemayIgetdownthankyou" or just "pleasemayigetdown" as we left the table after tea much in the same way as you learnt grace at school phonetically so it wasn't in a dainty posh little voice. I realise that I've not done this with my own kids but they'll all say it when we're at my mum's for a meal. However - they still stay eating together at our house until we've all finished and when they leave the table they'll usually go put the kettle on for us all to have a cup of tea after.

I was brought up to ask to leave the table. We also thanked DM for our meal. Even now I would not leave a table without saying excuse me.
Really grateful to my parents for instilling manners generally in us. I can go anywhere and feel comfortable meeting anyone. It's a real life skill.

Similar struggles in my house if it makes you feel any better. Dh insists on bringing his phone to the table because of important work 🙄, eats like it’s an Olympic event, and rushes off. Ds has arfid and sometimes struggles to tolerate our food smells, and copes by reading at the table and refusing to engage. Dd is going through a phase of having nothing to say to us.

We’re down to two meals a week now and I honestly don’t know why I’m bothering.

We don’t go as far as having to ask permission to leave but we have always sat down to eat together (most of the time) and have no screens at the table, encourage DC to sit properly and eat nicely etc.
I think it’s important or how will they ever learn

It's rude to just leave the table- adults should excuse themselves if they must leave the table before the end of the meal. Children should ask 'please may I leave the table'

Everyone should thank the cook when the food is placed on the table.

I think table manners are very important and as we become young adults , first meals out with boyfriend/ girlfriend, how off putting would it be if they didn’t have any. As a teacher I’m horrified to see children using fingers to eat everything.
parents are too lazy to teach them how to hold a knife and fork. Thankfully not going to come across them in a restaurant.

Not unreasonable at all, and we sit at the table as well.

We have a no screen rule.

We don’t formally ask to get down from the table, but every knows you wait until people finish (although people will get up mid meal to clear a plate etc).

It’s a good time to chat about your day and come together.

I was brought up that all veg etc gets put in bowls and taken to the table. I lament that food is plated in the kitchen first. I understand the sense of this, but prefer the old way.

With dh, can you compromise and let him
get up early for his cigarette during weekdays, but at weekends stay sitting (or vice versa)?

Also, bring to sit and hold a conversation at a mealtime (or just sit without having to be entertained) is an important skill set, and one that many kids haven’t learnt.

I don’t think it’s old fashioned. We don’t ask to leave the table, we just sit and wait until everyone has finished, sometimes the 4yr old has a yoghurt whilst we finish our dinner. We’ve never had a problem eating out, we have done it since newborn stage. They’ve always been able to sit at a table without screens, often without any form of entertainment, for hours (we love a long lunch!). I think it’s just how they are though, not through any parenting skill!

We don’t have dinner together every night though. They’ve always often eat at afterschool club, so just a snack when they get in, and we can’t eat that early so during the week we normally eat around 9ish after their bedtime. We do other things together like play a game, could you try that to mix it up a bit? You’ll still get family time, just in a different way.