AIBU to bring this up, or should I just move on?

[TheBerry]

A few days ago preschool DD was having a friend round for a playdate (her second ever playdate).

DH took her to her club first thing while I watched the baby. I did some tidying while they were gone and wanted to bake some brownies afterwards before friend arrived. I'd told DH the day before I'd like to spend the morning getting things set up for the playdate.

DH said he wanted to get ready, have a shower, etc. He can faff sometimes so I said, "please don't take too long, a shower only needs to take 15 minutes." He said ok. He didn't seem annoyed by the request or anything.

Anyway, he took an hour so I didn't have time to make the brownies. I really couldn't do it while wrangling DD and the baby.

I just felt upset that on this one occasion he couldn't just have tried to be a bit quicker when I specifically asked. I don't normally ask him stuff like that, he can take his time, but just on this one occasion I'd wanted him to hurry a bit. I feel like he heard what I said, understood, said ok, and then just totally disregarded the whole thing. Didn't even attempt to be quick. I feel like if it had been the other way around he'd have been raging.

I did raise it with him straight away but he got annoyed, said it was an unreasonable request, and that he'd had to shave, shower, cut his nails, etc. I said that even if he'd said something like, "oh, I'm so sorry, is it ok if I take a bit longer because of xxxx" instead of saying ok and then ignoring it then I'd have felt a bit better about it. He said he didn't know how long he was going to take until he was up there.

Anyway I'm still just feeling kind of sad. It's not about the brownies obviously, just about him making exactly 0 effort to even meet me halfway. Whereas if it had been the other way around and he'd made that request I'd have been anxiously rushing as much as possible to not keep him waiting.

Not sure whether to raise it again to discuss it with him or just let it go.

And yet 60%selected YABU

This is off topic, but sone advice...no-one likes the showy off parent. No-one likes the parent with the perfect home and homemade brownies. It just makes them feel bad and you seem unrelatable.

Normal house, shop bought brownies and a husband who's been in the shower for too long - this people can relate to.

I just ask on here whenever we have a disagreement. In case I'm wrong. It helps to get other people's views.

But do you understand that in that thread the YABU and YANBU options were not related to a disagreement? They were just placeholders to confirm whether we'd worked out our finances correctly.

I definitely had no intention to show off. I just didn't want them to think I was a messy, unwelcoming slob. We have a normal home. I tidied up and cleaned and wanted to make a homemade snack.

That’s nuts. Homemade brownies are cheaper and better for you, and they taste nicer. It sounds a bit like sour grapes to me, “ooh, look at you with your homemade brownies…well no-one likes you, so there” 😂

This make me think you have some issues going on, people take us as they find us and no I dont judge other people on their house I never think anyone is perfect nor do I feel judged, that idea is seriously weird

I agree.....and that's exactly why I said they had to learn to talk to one another.

Pre school… so 2 yrs? 3?

how did the play date go? Did the parent stay?

Sour grapes it may be, but I believe that's how lots of people think. It's free advice and you're free to ignore it if you want!

Yes, they stayed. It went pretty well I think.

How long ago was it? Are you still in a grump with him about it?

Well exactly. Take us as you find us is quite different to 'I need to spend three hours making the house presentable and then baking to impress parents on a playdate'. It's too try hard. It puts people off.

He has no idea I'm upset about it or that anything is wrong. But I do still feel upset about it. It was a few days ago.

It wouldn't have come across as a huge effort. Just a tidy house and some brownies.

The Op can use Mumsnet to talk about her relationship and parenting all she wants. Does it show that she's anxious about her relationship and parenting .... Probably. But it also shows an ability to self-reflect. She has been perfectly respectful and open to discussions in this thread. Not everyone has people they can talk to about stuff like this in real life. And not everyone trusts their own judgement all the time. Especially as a new mum in a new family.

@Currentskin you know you aren't being forced to participate in the thread.

It's sounds great, but I'd just chill out a little bit. People can sense the energy. You don't need to impress people in this way, honestly.

Let it go.

Come on, brownies take 10mins to mix up and then you bung them in the oven!

Can do that around a baby and then tidying could have waited till Dad was home to help.

The kids would not have allowed this. I am fine with doing all the cooking and cleaning, just need him to watch them while I do. I can get by doing it if there's just one kid, but not with both of them. Maybe others can but I can't seem to.

Exactly! Absolutely this.

OP, you sound like a very loving and attentive mum who wants the best for your children and to create lovely experiences for them. That being said…you also sound very anxious and needy in your relationship, based on this post and the previous threads shared

I believe your partner should have communicated better (especially if he was annoyed with how he was spoken to) and that maybe some couples therapy might be useful as it isn’t an easy time with young kids, but I also wonder if maybe you could do with some support regarding emotional regulation and how much generally minor situations (this and previous threads) seem to impact you.

It’s a tough time with two young kids and getting used to the “new normal”, so don’t beat yourself up and try and think about how much a situation will matter in 2 hours/days/weeks/months before deciding how you want to act upon it.

Fundamentally not a happy marriage, so these kinds of interactions are going to continue with increasing frequency

Yes you are being unreasonable. Haven't you got anything more serious to worry about?

I think you're probably right. I'm quite an anxious person (though weirdly in real life most people don't realise that and think I'm quite calm/cheerful) and DH is quite a stressed person which I find really difficult at times. I have autism which was undiagnosed for years and I think I'd probably be a bit better today if I'd had some kind of support with it when I was younger. I do try to self reflect and grow as a person. Based on the split responses on this thread I'm going to move on from this minor incident. I should have asked him in a calmer, nicer way.