Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to bring this up, or should I just move on?

103 replies

TheBerry · 28/01/2026 18:40

A few days ago preschool DD was having a friend round for a playdate (her second ever playdate).

DH took her to her club first thing while I watched the baby. I did some tidying while they were gone and wanted to bake some brownies afterwards before friend arrived. I'd told DH the day before I'd like to spend the morning getting things set up for the playdate.

DH said he wanted to get ready, have a shower, etc. He can faff sometimes so I said, "please don't take too long, a shower only needs to take 15 minutes." He said ok. He didn't seem annoyed by the request or anything.

Anyway, he took an hour so I didn't have time to make the brownies. I really couldn't do it while wrangling DD and the baby.

I just felt upset that on this one occasion he couldn't just have tried to be a bit quicker when I specifically asked. I don't normally ask him stuff like that, he can take his time, but just on this one occasion I'd wanted him to hurry a bit. I feel like he heard what I said, understood, said ok, and then just totally disregarded the whole thing. Didn't even attempt to be quick. I feel like if it had been the other way around he'd have been raging.

I did raise it with him straight away but he got annoyed, said it was an unreasonable request, and that he'd had to shave, shower, cut his nails, etc. I said that even if he'd said something like, "oh, I'm so sorry, is it ok if I take a bit longer because of xxxx" instead of saying ok and then ignoring it then I'd have felt a bit better about it. He said he didn't know how long he was going to take until he was up there.

Anyway I'm still just feeling kind of sad. It's not about the brownies obviously, just about him making exactly 0 effort to even meet me halfway. Whereas if it had been the other way around and he'd made that request I'd have been anxiously rushing as much as possible to not keep him waiting.

Not sure whether to raise it again to discuss it with him or just let it go.

OP posts:
Currentskin · 28/01/2026 19:14

Sweet Jesus

SharpLimeDreamer · 28/01/2026 19:14

Let it go.
I've just had a shower. It took me 20 mins. Still haven't rinsed my flannel, wiped round the bath or put my dirty clothes in the wash basket. Maintaining yourself takes time! And I hate rushing. It's stressful cramming things in. So him taking an hour for the things he did seems reasonable to me.
Secondly, kindly, what's "faff"? It's very subjective! Is you making brownies when you could have bought some "faff"?!

Currentskin · 28/01/2026 19:14

The entire morning setting up for a play date???

Currentskin · 28/01/2026 19:15

Oh

Just seen all your past threads about your dh

Aprilmaymum · 28/01/2026 19:16

As my mum would say “choose your battles “ this is not one I would be having.

Currentskin · 28/01/2026 19:17

You have repeatedly been told on your other threads moaning about your poor
husband that you are being seriously unreasonable in this relationship

TheBerry · 28/01/2026 19:23

Currentskin · 28/01/2026 19:14

The entire morning setting up for a play date???

Well, from about 9 until 12. I wanted to clean, tidy, and bake the brownies. It probably is overkill but I wanted to make a good impression! That's why I mentioned it to DH the day before.

OP posts:
UnhappyHobbit · 28/01/2026 19:24

Currentskin · 28/01/2026 19:15

Oh

Just seen all your past threads about your dh

Wait - how are you seeing them?

Candlestickinthediningroom · 28/01/2026 19:25

It sounds like he didn't like the passive aggressive way you told him to take less time in the shower. If you had said "I'm really excited about this playdate for our girl and I'd love some time to make brownies. Could you do me a massive favour and have a shower in about half an hour cos once there in the oven I won't need both hands and can wrangle the kids again" - do you think he'd have still ignored you and pissed off for an hour.

NuffSaidSam · 28/01/2026 19:26

I think it was more important for him to have a proper shower/shave etc than for you to make brownies.

But I think he should have told you that. It is extremely annoying when someone says 'yes' but with absolutely no intention of following through on that. My brother is like this and it is really annoying!

I haven't seen any other threads so I don't know the backstory.

TheBerry · 28/01/2026 19:27

Currentskin · 28/01/2026 19:17

You have repeatedly been told on your other threads moaning about your poor
husband that you are being seriously unreasonable in this relationship

Idk tbh it normally seems to be split. But that's why I ask on here first before I do/say anything! In case I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
TheBerry · 28/01/2026 19:29

Candlestickinthediningroom · 28/01/2026 19:25

It sounds like he didn't like the passive aggressive way you told him to take less time in the shower. If you had said "I'm really excited about this playdate for our girl and I'd love some time to make brownies. Could you do me a massive favour and have a shower in about half an hour cos once there in the oven I won't need both hands and can wrangle the kids again" - do you think he'd have still ignored you and pissed off for an hour.

Yes, I wish I'd asked differently. Just the second he said he was going upstairs to get ready I was hit with an immediate plummeting dread because I could feel my brownie plans crumbling away, and so I asked him a bit desperately instead of normally.

OP posts:
Candlestickinthediningroom · 28/01/2026 19:29

Based on this thread alone....you need to learn how to talk to each other. You should have asked him in a more positive and warm way and he should have either said no bother and followed through or said "I'd really like an everything shower so it'll take longer than 15 minutes"

Daytimenighttime · 28/01/2026 19:29

Currentskin · 28/01/2026 19:17

You have repeatedly been told on your other threads moaning about your poor
husband that you are being seriously unreasonable in this relationship

What a really nasty comment.

Some PP might have not been sympathetic to OP on her previous threads about her H but some, like myself, are.

Personally my feeling is if her H knew he wouldn't be out if the shower in 15 minutes because that wasn't enough time to do all he had to do then he should have told her that before he went for the shower.
And as this was really important to OP he could have, for once, had a short shower. But what he did followed a pattern if behaviour in those other threads. Basically prioritising himself and what he wants over OP. And showing no kindness to her.

I don't blame OP for feeling upset at her H's lack of consideration for her. But honestly i don't think a conversation with him will change him one iota. Perhaps this marriage isn't going to bring OP long term happiness if she stays in it.

BlueMum16 · 28/01/2026 19:30

TheBerry · 28/01/2026 19:29

Yes, I wish I'd asked differently. Just the second he said he was going upstairs to get ready I was hit with an immediate plummeting dread because I could feel my brownie plans crumbling away, and so I asked him a bit desperately instead of normally.

Couldn't you have made the brownies with DD and her friend while there were there?

Lmnop22 · 28/01/2026 19:31

An hour is a bloody ridiculous amount of time for a man to shower, shave and cut his nails (couldn’t he have done his nails literally ANY other time than when a specific request to be quick has been made?!)

He is being unreasonable not to have rushed. Not like he has to dry and style his hair/apply makeup. What’s he actually doing in the shower for an hour?!

NuffSaidSam · 28/01/2026 19:31

BlueMum16 · 28/01/2026 19:30

Couldn't you have made the brownies with DD and her friend while there were there?

Making brownies with two pre-schoolers and a baby isn't my idea of fun I have to admit!

Candlestickinthediningroom · 28/01/2026 19:33

But you didn't ask "desperately". You asked pointedly. There was an implied criticism in the way you asked.

Also "plummeting dread" is a very extreme emotion. Do you always have such a strong reaction when there is a change of plan out with your control?

Blushingm · 28/01/2026 19:33

3 hours getting ready for a kid coming round to play? 🙄

TheBerry · 28/01/2026 19:34

BlueMum16 · 28/01/2026 19:30

Couldn't you have made the brownies with DD and her friend while there were there?

Yeah I did think of that. But I wasn't sure that would be friend's kind of thing. It wasn't really about the brownies anyway. I just felt kind of down that DH didn't try to hurry a bit when I'd especially asked.

OP posts:
TheBerry · 28/01/2026 19:35

Candlestickinthediningroom · 28/01/2026 19:33

But you didn't ask "desperately". You asked pointedly. There was an implied criticism in the way you asked.

Also "plummeting dread" is a very extreme emotion. Do you always have such a strong reaction when there is a change of plan out with your control?

I was joking about the plummeting dread. But yes you're right it was a bit pointed.

OP posts:
ConvolutedCat · 28/01/2026 19:35

Lmnop22 · 28/01/2026 19:31

An hour is a bloody ridiculous amount of time for a man to shower, shave and cut his nails (couldn’t he have done his nails literally ANY other time than when a specific request to be quick has been made?!)

He is being unreasonable not to have rushed. Not like he has to dry and style his hair/apply makeup. What’s he actually doing in the shower for an hour?!

I was starting to wonder if I was the only one thinking that 😂 I’m admittedly a low maintenance woman but I can’t imagine spending anywhere near that long on those tasks.

TheBerry · 28/01/2026 19:36

Blushingm · 28/01/2026 19:33

3 hours getting ready for a kid coming round to play? 🙄

House was a tip tbf.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 28/01/2026 19:36

It ia play date, if a man tried to set a time for a woman to get ready it would be called controlling

Play dates are not meant to be this complicated

Candlestickinthediningroom · 28/01/2026 19:37

Lmnop22 · 28/01/2026 19:31

An hour is a bloody ridiculous amount of time for a man to shower, shave and cut his nails (couldn’t he have done his nails literally ANY other time than when a specific request to be quick has been made?!)

He is being unreasonable not to have rushed. Not like he has to dry and style his hair/apply makeup. What’s he actually doing in the shower for an hour?!

It really doesn't matter. Presumably it is also his home, his hot water and his body. There's nothing wrong with taking an age in the shower if it's your own money your spending. The issue here is that him taking that much time was a response to how Op handled her request for support. She framed it as a command and a critism. No one would respond well to that.