visit a friend * [Content note: concerns stillbirth]

[rosepedal]

hi i posted on a different thread. I had a still birth 7 weeks ago. My very good friend had a baby the same time as my story and she wants me to come visit her. she did say i should take my time if i dont feel ready. I feel fine right now but emotions come up at random times. Im wondering if i should just rip off the bandaid and go visit, even though i may cry or should i wait? i may also be fine i jist dont know, im wondering anyone that went through a stillbirth and had close friends/relatives who had babies , when did they go?

I couldn't stand to look at a baby or pregnant woman after my loss. I'd have to take my time if it were me. I'm so sorry about what you've been through.

Only you know what feels right for you. I'm so sorry xx

You may feel better, you may feel worse. I just know my friends wouldn't mind if I went and had a big unexpected cry at their house, because your friend will care about you a lot too.

Sorry for your loss. No experience of this but if she is a good friend, why not arrange to see her but warn her you may not be able to go last minute or stay for long, or hold her baby, due to emotions, which is very understandable.

I wouldn’t go, there’s absolutely no need for you to “rip off the bandaid” in this situation, allow yourself to grieve. Time and comfort from your loved ones will help you move forward.

If your friend has an ounce of self-awareness (and it sounds like she does telling you take your time) then she’ll happily work with your timeline.

Ah that's so tough. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Could you perhaps arrange to meet as a group in a coffee shop or something? With some other friends and it might not be so daunting... or you can get up and leave if you need to?

I am so sorry for your loss. I really think you should take your time, I couldn’t even look at strangers babies in the street. It’s too soon and too raw and she will obviously be excited to show the baby off. It was good of her to recognize that you could take your time to visit. Take care x

i was very honest with her and told her the reasons why i didnt come until now. she said the bandaid will have to come off at some point but i should take however much time i need. i just feel bad i want to show her im happy for her and excited for her. Im also very private with my grief. i like to let go of my emotions only in private.

im just not sure what "feel ready" means. like her baby will always be my babies age. And will always be a reminder.

Hmm. It's not a bandaid that can come off at any point. It’s enormous, intense grief. She shows an extraordinary lack of understanding of your situation. Do not feel pushed into anything. I’m very sorry for your loss.

This is a very personal choice and only you know when you’d be ready to make this jump.

Keep your communication open with her. Be honest about how you’re feeling about your loss as well as letting her know how happy you are for her.

Hopefully she can be super supportive and understanding about whatever you decide to do.

I hope you’re getting some on going support and help for your loss.

She said it very nicely. its a bandaid that has to be ripped off but only when im ready

right i hear you

Agreed... very very insensitive wording on her part.

I really do think she is showing an extraordinary lack of empathy.

7 weeks is no time at all, you are grieving deeply and her speaking of 'ripping off a bandaid' is utterly inappropriate and very flippant

I am so sorry for your loss. I would be inclined to say you are not ready for a visit but will be in touch in time.

Thank you. I needed to hear im not ready. Becasue im doubting myself

7 weeks is no time at all OP. This is a good friend, and so will understand you need more time. Yes, her child will always be the same age as yours, but your grief - while always there - won't always be this sharp, so there is plenty of time to get to know her little one. Be easy on yourself. Give yourself time.

i think im imagining in my head that people expect you to move on and eventully lose patience to hear you out again and again. They want to see you being fine already

i think its my imagination

Bless you 🙏🏻 It's really very early days.

I'm sure your friend loves you and would hate to know she'd said anything hurtful.

Who among us hasn't struggled to say the right thing when people we care deeply about is experiencing pain of such magnitude? It's so easy to be clumsy. I've got much better at it the older I've got.

I was pregnant at the same time as my friend and, while I didn’t go through anything as awful as you (I had a mc at 12 weeks), I couldn’t help feeling a bit resentful and jealous. 7 weeks is a very short amount of time for you, only you can decide when you’re ready. It’s been 15 years now and I still feel sad when I see Facebook posts from my friend saying what her DD is doing now.

Oh, im so so sorry.

Could you possibly see her without seeing the baby? You could perhaps see some photographs of her child to ease in a little more gently. I can't help but think seeing the baby in person will be upsetting and it's very soon for you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

She seems to be understanding, so could you perhaps say 'I'd like to see you, but can't cope with too much to start with, so if it is ok with you, I'll just pop by and drop a card/gift off, but won't come in, I'll just spend a couple of minutes chatting on the doorstep' then if you feel ok with that, you could build up to a ten minute visit the next time.