Can this ever work out or is this ND loser going to be single forever?

[HateBeingInsideMyHead]

I'm autistic and strongly suspect I also have ADHD. Undiagnosed until aged 35 - 40 now and VERY good at masking (most of the time nobody would have any clue). Never had any positive relationship role models growing up - significant childhood trauma. Had one long relationship in my 20s which was violent and abusive and led to me having a breakdown and having to rebuild my life. Short-term/non-serious after that until five years ago - he cheated on me repeatedly - never let anybody in since then.

Have recently reconnected with someone I knew at school. Things were going well I think but he's absolutely too intense - constantly messaging and wanting to see me and feels put out when I say no. A lot of the time is because I need A LOT of decompression time - fast-paced busy job with multiple meetings and long long working hours which leaves me burnt out a lot of the time. Most nights I just want to make food, meditate, and sleep. He can't seem to understand that and think if I'm 'free' I should want to spend time with him.

I committed to plans with him Thursday night (overnight from about 7pm), Friday day time 10-4 and Saturday night (again overnight from 6pm). To me this is a BIG DEAL and I can't remember the last time I spent this much time with someone (although I lived with my abusive ex he was in the military at the other end of the country). But to him it's not enough and he's still complaining!

Am I being unreasonable or should he be more understanding? I've tried and tried and tried to explain to him what it's like for me but he doesn't get it. Any resources I could signpost him too? We're also have difficulties with my incredibly blunt communication style and hatred of speaking on the phone, which alongside the space thing has bubbled up and ended up in an argument. I do actually like him though but I can't carry on like this!

(To add: I also have dysthymia and anxiety and am coming out of a period of significant depression. He knows all this and I've suggested I might not be in the right headspace for a relationship but he says he wants to support me regardless)

I don’t think YABU to find that too much but also he isnt BU to want more. It just sounds like you’re incompatible as to what you want from a relationship. I said this on the thread about ASD and intimacy earlier but I do think you have to decide what you want in life and if it a to be in a relationship then you might have to learn to tolerate more. I have ASD and ADHD and am similar to you but I really wanted the relationship and DCs and so I do mask a lot at home, which I know isn’t the healthiest but there’s some things I tolerate for my DH as he is important to me.

Most nights I just want to make food, meditate, and sleep.

That's your prerogative. However he's also got the right to ask to see you. If you're not compatible that's fine, move on.

He can't seem to understand that and think if I'm 'free' I should want to spend time with him.

I do agree that the time you've offered him is a lot by anyone's standards and it's ok to have boundaries. He should really respect that if he wants to be with YOU and the real you.

I do think it's a case of him being shown some educational material that's is a general trait with us autistic people that we need to switch off and recharge more than most. It is literally like you have a social battery as well as energy battery inside and you just can't do anything polite, or social when it is depleted.

He needs to understand it is the same with every person, that you need time to unwind; family, friends etc not just him. And just reassure him that you are excited to see him as I know it's hard to show that sometimes, but you just slowly need to get used to be in a relationship again and find a rhythm together that works for both of you.

I don’t think it’s a case of unreasonable or not, so I haven’t voted. But just wanted to say I totally get you. I’m undiagnosed but suspect AuDHD too, and I’m fairly sure my recent ex was autistic (his son and ex both are), as are two of my DCs! It can be a tricky balance when your needs just don’t feel compatible. It sounds a lot like you’re giving as much time and energy as you physically and mentally can, but it still isn’t enough. That can’t really be overcome and I’ve had to end my relationship for much the same reason. You can’t compromise from what is already a compromise.

My ex wanted a live-in relationship and marriage. He insisted we could spend less time intensely together in that case as we’d just be around for each other so that was certainly a consideration, but I’m not ready to move in yet and in the meantime the arguments about me not prioritising him were breaking us. I feel like I give so much but the guilt if ever I want an evening with my friends, DCs or just on my own was crushing me. I’d be happy with 2-3 nights a week, but we were visiting each other every evening and most of the weekend when he didn’t have his son and it was exhausting us both tbh. Then he’d say I just wanted an immature non-serious relationship with someone who didn’t care about me and just “went down the boozer” every night, as if those are my only options. I’m sure there’s a middle ground where it isn’t super intense and overwhelming but he isn’t a Sun reading parody of a man.

I’ve decided to take time to be alone for a while, I’m not looking for a partner anymore and will fill my life on my own schedule. If anyone comes along who’s ok with that then I’m open but I am perfectly happy being single for the foreseeable, and not having to worry about someone else’s feelings the whole time.

I’ve raised my children and this is my time now, but if you’re looking to start a family with someone I know the pressure is a little heavier. Is that something you want at the moment?

YANBU

I’m surprised at some of these responses saying “oh it’s just a question of giving him reading material” or “he’s not unreasonable to ask”.

To me it sounds like he’s putting pressure on you to do something he knows you’re not comfortable with, and that’s a massive red flag. He doesn’t need “reading material” to know that if someone says “I need decompressing time/ time to myself”
that means that it’s something you need, and he shouldn’t pressure you for more.

Yes, he is free to end the relationship if it’s not what he wants, but pressurising someone to compromise a reasonable boundary is never OK, and is a huge red flag.

I think the amount of time you’ve committed to him over that Thursday to Saturday period sounds like objectively a lot, never mind to an autistic person!

I'd be very careful @HateBeingInsideMyHead , you've been in an abusive relationship before and you could be getting into another. He's ignoring your comfort and pushing for more than you want to give. Agree to one meeting, not three days, you don't owe him anything. This isn't about ASD, it's about him wanting his own way

Agree with this. No one should need educating on the reasons someone has boundaries - they should accept them without question. Certainly after you’ve made it clear on many occasions. Big red flags - dump.

Could you send him the spoons theory to try and start that understanding. Then you could have a check in Daily or when it suits and say how many spoons you have that day.

Both me and my partner are likely audhd our child is diagnosed so it would heavily make sense. We are peas in a pod now and eachothers best advocate/cheerleader. He knows exactly when I need downtime, doesn't take it personal when I need space. Fully understands intimacy is going to be lower down on my priorities when I'm stressed overwhelmed and tired.

But it took us 13 years to get here. In the beginning I felt smothered and masked a lot. We had to slowly learn about eachother and also ourselves. Neither of us had no idea we were likely autistic/adhd.

I wouldn't write the relationship off I would help him to understand you but also keep your boundaries. It's early days get to know eachother. He is consistently pushes then no that's not fair.

Lots of men particularly are not raised with great empathy/communication skills of the ability to relate. My husband had therapy which has improved massively his skills. It was actually nothing to do with being nurodiverse but actually all do with being raised as a boy/man in our society. Deconstructing the very low expectations/unhealthy expectations. This has played a massive factor in how we are now such an amazing team together. So it's absolutely possible but it takes hard work and measured compromises on both ends. Of course it also depends what kind of relationship you want. I'm very aware what's right for us won't be for everyone. For me it was very important I had a partner who understood me and could anticipate my needs and vice versa.

I think he’s putting too much pressure on you regardless of you being ND. It’d take me a good while to want to spend that amount of time with anyone. You said this relationship started recently so I don’t think it’s fair for him to complain when you’re giving him a lot of time anyway. I know you’ve just presented a snapshot of things but his intensity seems a bit over the top to me and I wonder if he’s trying to effectively love bomb you while seeking control. I really don’t know but these things can be insidious and it may be unconsciously you’ve made a connection with someone who is not dissimilar from your ex as there is a sense of familiarity in how they behave. I may be completely off. But he’s making you feeling like you are doing something wrong by not wanting to spend every moment with him. You are allowed to exercise that choice. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to say I am free at these times this week and when he pushes for more to say sorry but I can’t do that day etc I’ve got stuff on. He should respect your time and your choices. Anyway, good luck.

I missed the part where you've already had a argument and you have already explained to him many times!
If he isn't backing off and still applying pressure then i wouldn't engage with him anymore. It's real red flags for abusive behaviour.

Sorry op you deserve someone who can understand and respects your boundaries and pace.

Is there a time in the future when spending this much time with someone will be ok with you? Can you see yourself spending a week on holiday with someone, or moving in together? I think it’s ok to say at the beginning of a relationship if someone is crowding you, but you need to be honest if you don’t see it ever changing, because most relationships progress to spending more and more time together.

You’re not unreasonable, he’s not unreasonable, you are just incompatible. Time to move on.

I'm autistic, I'm in a relationship with a man who is not autistic but definitely introverted and has his own hobbies, it works. Regardless of whether there's an underlying cause, a relationship between two people who want different things is always going to cause friction.
Personally I find men who can't seem to spend time on their own very unattractive, it makes me feel like they want a mother! But then I've got friends who dote on each other and love being in a relationship with someone who wants to be with them all the time.
Don't try and force something because you think you have to find a way around you being ND, you just need to find someone more compatible.

Also the other thing to bear in mind is frankly, if you're dating in your forties then a significant proportion of men who are good at relationships will be in one. The pool of men should available to date will be those who have struggled in relationships and those who have separated. Nothing wrong with that of course, we're all human - but it's ok to be a bit sceptical as to why these men are single! Chances are in most relationships there'll be a bit of compromise on each side, but don't let it be all on your side.

It shouldn’t be this hard this early. I was floating on air for months when me and DP got together. He’s already whining and trying to push your boundaries when you don’t give him what he wants, and refusing to understand you.

You just need to find someone more compatible.

I love being alone.
Im also a single parent, work FT and study and so I’m really limited with my free time and when I do have free time often I just want to be alone.
So relationships have always been a challenge but I noticed that some men are much less busier than others and so I go for ones that have hobbies and friendship groups and their own lives, so that they don’t constantly feel the need to be with me.

You’re just incompatible and you both need to just find different people.

I think you’re incompatible.

It can work well if you find someone with similar needs, someone with enough empathy, understanding and consideration or someone whose presence is deeply regulating.

Obviously that narrows the field considerably, but it’s not impossible to find a compatible partner. It’s not really feasible to be in relationships that take more from us than we can afford to give, especially if we want to avoid burnout from job stress.

. . . and thinks if I'm free I should want to spend time with him.

I've come across more than a few people who think this way. I'm reminded of 'My Girl' by Madness ~ the singer loves his girlfriend but

Why can't she see?
She's lovely to me
But I like to stay in
And watch TV on my own
Every now and then

I took such a shine to Suggs after this ~ except I like to do it often!

To me, it's a strange way of thinking; We love each other and therefore we should want to spend every available minute with each other. And if you don't want to, then this is proof that you don't love me at all.

OP, you and this guy sound incompatible to me. But you're not a loser and if you break up because of this, in future you'll know what traits you need to look for in a prospective partner.

YANBU. My partner is AuDHD and he also needs a lot of time to decompress and be alone, which I understand and respect.

Sometimes I'd like more of his time, and in the early days I did sometimes feel a bit rejected and de-prioritised (Cassandra syndrome is a thing for NT partners of ND people), but I consciously chose to do a lot of reading around ADHD and autism plus watched social media videos of couples who are ND/NT talking about their relationships and how they make them work, as I wanted to learn how his brain works vs mine so I could understand his perspective better. We also had a lot of very open conversations about how we could work together to ensure that both of our needs are met within our relationship so that neither of us feels stressed or misunderstood and we both get enough time together.

Right now, it sounds like you are trying to communicate your needs and your partner is not hearing them and not respecting them. Communication is the only way this relationship will ever work, so I think you need a frank conversation with him about what you need and what you can give. It sounds like he's expecting you to meet more of his needs than you can, and it's already taking too much from you. If he cannot back off and respect what you need, you would not be unreasonable to end things for now. You deserve to be understood and to have someone who allows you to set boundaries and then respects them. You deserve to have your needs met, OP.

Sounds like you're just incompatible to me. I'm not ND and I'd find spending that much time together smothering in a newish relationship.

I'm like you, brilliant at masking, have got through a 40 year career successfully but exhausted when I get home at night.

Yanbu but have you explained that you are ND, and he needs to understand your need for space? If you are good at masking, he may have no idea.

I'm happily single with one ds. Finding an intimate relationship would be lovely and I will try when DS goes to uni, but the thought of someone demanding my whole time from Thursday pm - Sunday makes me want to run a mile.

Doesn't he have hobbies? Play football? I hate clingy people.

You aren't compatible. It's got nothing to do with you being ND or any of that stuff - you and this man simply want very different things out of a relationship and you shouldn't be together.

@Thingsthatgo I honestly don't know - I've been ok on holidays with partners (as it's allowed me to partly switch off) other than my last one but we were already on the verge of splitting prior to that and he's inattentive ADHD which only made my issues worse. My current partner has kids and the youngest is 8 so I wouldn't think about moving in etc. until they have left home.

@Meadowfinch he has a hobby which should take up one night a week and a weekend afternoon, but has said he will miss it to see me (which I asked him not to) or to go with him but I have my own weekend daytime plans usually

"I’m surprised at some of these responses saying “oh it’s just a question of giving him reading material” or “he’s not unreasonable to ask”.

To me it sounds like he’s putting pressure on you to do something he knows you’re not comfortable with, and that’s a massive red flag. He doesn’t need “reading material” to know that if someone says “I need decompressing time/ time to myself”
that means that it’s something you need, and he shouldn’t pressure you for more."

You could view it like that or you could see it as the flipside of the AIBU my partner is always at work/gym/pub posts. Two people have different needs and expectations and there needs to be give and take and understanding. I don't think partner is unreasonable to want to spend time with OP, but nor is OP unreasonable to me want some alone time.

OP, how do you cope with low key being around each other downtime? As opposed to full on date night type obligation where you are much more socially 'on'?

We haven't tested it out much, and when we have it's usually involved a few drinks in the house which means normal routine goes a little out of the window - I've openly admitted to be struggling a bit with alcohol though and this week have made a conscious decision not to drink in the house so I guess that brings some anxiety about tomorrow night...

I go to bed early to wind down, read, meditate, journal, etc. and it would feel a little weird if he was in bed too during that - I have no issues with him staying up and watching TV etc then heading upstairs later when I'm asleep (preferable in fact as he stays up late and gets up late) but that feels a little weird in a new relationship. He so far hasn't stayed over on a 'school night' (I don't work Fridays)