Can this ever work out or is this ND loser going to be single forever?

[HateBeingInsideMyHead]

I'm autistic and strongly suspect I also have ADHD. Undiagnosed until aged 35 - 40 now and VERY good at masking (most of the time nobody would have any clue). Never had any positive relationship role models growing up - significant childhood trauma. Had one long relationship in my 20s which was violent and abusive and led to me having a breakdown and having to rebuild my life. Short-term/non-serious after that until five years ago - he cheated on me repeatedly - never let anybody in since then.

Have recently reconnected with someone I knew at school. Things were going well I think but he's absolutely too intense - constantly messaging and wanting to see me and feels put out when I say no. A lot of the time is because I need A LOT of decompression time - fast-paced busy job with multiple meetings and long long working hours which leaves me burnt out a lot of the time. Most nights I just want to make food, meditate, and sleep. He can't seem to understand that and think if I'm 'free' I should want to spend time with him.

I committed to plans with him Thursday night (overnight from about 7pm), Friday day time 10-4 and Saturday night (again overnight from 6pm). To me this is a BIG DEAL and I can't remember the last time I spent this much time with someone (although I lived with my abusive ex he was in the military at the other end of the country). But to him it's not enough and he's still complaining!

Am I being unreasonable or should he be more understanding? I've tried and tried and tried to explain to him what it's like for me but he doesn't get it. Any resources I could signpost him too? We're also have difficulties with my incredibly blunt communication style and hatred of speaking on the phone, which alongside the space thing has bubbled up and ended up in an argument. I do actually like him though but I can't carry on like this!

(To add: I also have dysthymia and anxiety and am coming out of a period of significant depression. He knows all this and I've suggested I might not be in the right headspace for a relationship but he says he wants to support me regardless)

Exhausted just reading that. He sounds pushy which is one of the worst personalities to deal with when autistic. Neurotypicals can handle this so much better because it isn't torturous to them. Just a bit annoying. Maybe take a step back then stand firm.

This is one of the ways when being in the not living together part of a relationship makes it harder. Because you are 'on'. So I think you would be fair to carve out a bit of your own space too for part of those evenings. You can't be in full entertaining mode when someone is around lots.

You're both unreasonable. Ultimately, you are just not compatible.

That level of contact would not be enough for me in a long term serious relationship.

But it's too much for you.

It's ok to recognise that you are not compatible with a person and move on. Don't waste time.

Quick update.... thought he was finally getting it after I sent him some links as to why people with autism need alone time, thrive off routine, etc. Agreed he would come over tonight and I would cook but he wouldn't stay...

Woke up this morning to several messages which included 'I wish we could talk more on the phone' - we literally text all day and I genuinely don't have that much to say via phone call, or the time to keep making them! But the worst was 'I want us full time 1-1' - LIKE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT GETTING

I really like him but I can't go on like this. However, I've tried to end it before and he doesn't seem to get it, just wants to plough on and says things will change (not to mention the crying)

HELLLLPPPPPPPP

He sounds ridiculous OP. Just finish it! Block him if he carries on being a baby about it.

Having read your update

Trust your gut and end it. You know this doesn't feel right and you need to respect what your body and nervous system is trying to tell you.

He is too pushy, too full on, nuking his life and hobbies to be with you allllllll of the time, not listening to you, or respecting what you are saying. I don't know many people who would put up with that and you should not have to either.

There will be someone else. Someone better. But not if you tie yourself to this dude.

Dear Sid. Yesterday I tried, yet again, to explain why your level of communication is highly stressful for me. Yet again you appear to have ignored it, while still claiming things will change. Clearly they won’t, and this relationship won’t work for me. All the best. Please note I will be blocking you once I have sent this message.

@titchy How I wish I'd read that before I sent a long monologue explaining how bad I feel for ending things! FFS. The fact he hasn't replied yet today means he is clearly still in bed whereas I've been up since 530, hit the gym and been working since before 7 - says it all really! Might go and park my car round the corner so he doesn't see that I'm home...

If there’s a chance he’ll try and visit you need to text again: ‘Do not attempt to contact me in person. Any such attempts will be regarded as harassment and I won’t hesitate to seek police advice on this matter.’

Neither of you is wrong to want what you want in a relationship but that does mean that you are not compatible. You're right to end it and if he's ignoring this then it's harassment.

Have you had any support or therapy since your abusive relationship ended?

@EgregiouslyOverdressed Oh yes I've been through the lot! In some cases repeatedly. I still do suffer from mental health issues that co-exist alongside my autism but they were there even before that relationship. Still exploring things to do that will help me in that regard but one of the things that helps is keeping busy, consistent routines, early nights, etc...

Not everyone is cut out to be a partner to someone with your particular needs. This guy certainly isn’t. You are simply not compatible as a couple. There’s no shame in that.

I have Asperger’s and can’t hold down a relationship because I find people far too needy. I like alone time and I don’t like all my free time being taken up by someone else.
My experience has been that men really dislike a woman who is that independent. I thought I’d be the ideal woman- happy for them to go on nights out, don’t need constant reassurance or messaging, happy to see them very casually etc.
The reality is that they are needy, clingy nightmares 😅

I enjoy going off and doing things on my own and get stressed having someone else there with me. I decided I’m not cut out for a relationship and I’m far happier on my own.

Dump him and then dump him again and the next time you say no to a man and he ignores you dump him too.

You are just not compatible and I write that as someone in a relationship where we need time apart so I understand this need.

he's harassing you why won't he take no for an answer ? Its not up to him what you do be careful and safe and call the police if he keeps bothering you especially if he comes to your house uninvited.

Well it's predictably gone as expected - despite me phrasing it as being neither our faults, that we are just too different with different lifestyles, we want different things... he is apparently hurt, I'm a disgrace, was really looking forward to seeing me tonight, hoping I'll change my mind. All he's ever done apparently is care about me and wants to show me that - SO FUCKING LISTEN TO ME THEN! The thing about 1-1 full time does turn out to be me misunderstanding what he meant but that doesn't detract from the ask of phone calls when he is already texting 24/7

Leave him OP this won’t work. He isn’t listening to you. He’s also blaming you.

From a fellow autistic woman. Men exist that will work for you. My partner is autistic also. We spend 3 nights a week together plus every Friday. It works for us. We don’t live together. We enjoy our time together AND apart.

OP I also suggest reading Lundy Bancrofts books. Especially after your abusive relationships. I’m autistic and found it enlightening.

Thanks - looking it up now

We've now had 'good luck you'll need it', 'sorry for being a good person', 'sorry for caring about you' and 'thanks for wasting my time'.... I need a bingo card!

Just block him, he's never going to actually listen to you, so whats the point of you listening to all of his shit?

He really isn’t displaying good behaviour here. Properly 🚩 🚩 🚩.

It is totally ok to want different things. This guy sounds pretty toxic.

OP his behaviour at this point is nothing to do with you being less social than most, it's not healthy behaviour from him in any way.
If anything it worries me that he's seeing a vulnerability in you, ie that he thinks he can pressure you because you'll doubt yourself.
I really hope you've blocked him by now, you don't owe him anything, regardless of what he claims you do.

Well done anyway. Just don’t get into a discussion about it if he replies.

Just seen your update - what a twat he is. Good riddance.

He's now blocked