Can this ever work out or is this ND loser going to be single forever?

[HateBeingInsideMyHead]

I'm autistic and strongly suspect I also have ADHD. Undiagnosed until aged 35 - 40 now and VERY good at masking (most of the time nobody would have any clue). Never had any positive relationship role models growing up - significant childhood trauma. Had one long relationship in my 20s which was violent and abusive and led to me having a breakdown and having to rebuild my life. Short-term/non-serious after that until five years ago - he cheated on me repeatedly - never let anybody in since then.

Have recently reconnected with someone I knew at school. Things were going well I think but he's absolutely too intense - constantly messaging and wanting to see me and feels put out when I say no. A lot of the time is because I need A LOT of decompression time - fast-paced busy job with multiple meetings and long long working hours which leaves me burnt out a lot of the time. Most nights I just want to make food, meditate, and sleep. He can't seem to understand that and think if I'm 'free' I should want to spend time with him.

I committed to plans with him Thursday night (overnight from about 7pm), Friday day time 10-4 and Saturday night (again overnight from 6pm). To me this is a BIG DEAL and I can't remember the last time I spent this much time with someone (although I lived with my abusive ex he was in the military at the other end of the country). But to him it's not enough and he's still complaining!

Am I being unreasonable or should he be more understanding? I've tried and tried and tried to explain to him what it's like for me but he doesn't get it. Any resources I could signpost him too? We're also have difficulties with my incredibly blunt communication style and hatred of speaking on the phone, which alongside the space thing has bubbled up and ended up in an argument. I do actually like him though but I can't carry on like this!

(To add: I also have dysthymia and anxiety and am coming out of a period of significant depression. He knows all this and I've suggested I might not be in the right headspace for a relationship but he says he wants to support me regardless)

Absolutely this!

Sadly autistic people are more likely to be in abusive relationships. Our tendancy to logic out bad behaviour and try to see things as we would behave can cause us problems.

Really regretting the title of this thread now I've realised what I was getting myself into, he's totally shown his true colours now that I've ended things (stupidly I didn't block him on text as he's never text me before, just Whatsapp, Facebook and Instagram). All because we aren't compatible since I want someone with some get up and go, who works more than two hours a day, who doesn't rot in bed until noon and who actually sees his kids regularly without blaming his ex and saying she 'won't let him'

@HateBeingInsideMyHead Mumsnet HQ might change it for you.

You two are not compatible at all. He’s shown some pretty toxic behaviour. Block him EVERYWHERE.

You absolutely could find somebody suitable. Needing time to decompress and somebody who meets the rest of your brief is entirely reasonable.

Yikes, well at least he’s shown his true colours and you don’t need to doubt that you’re doing the right thing. It’s hard when you care about someone but he’s shown that his feelings about this trump yours again. Bullet dodged.

And thankfully I did! I know his ex as an acquaintance with friends in common and coincidentally she messaged me last night - to ask if I was seeing him - obviously I said no not now.

Turns out....

• He doesn't see his kids often because he's not allowed them unsupervised due to SS involvement and a previous arrest for assaulting his son
• He doesn't actually have a job but has been living off benefits!
• He pays £38 a month child support, not £700 (I've seen proof)
• He hasn't taxed or MOT'd his car in over a year

Wow... just wow...

Wow OP. Bullet dodged.