Being lied to - a dealbreaker?

[anothereveningalone]

sorry posting about this again but thought I would get some more traffic.

My DH goes to the gym a lot. Occasionally I join him and he goes with the same group of men, including a mutual friends. It’s caused arguments in the past because he’ll sometimes get home around 11pm, which is far too late for us to spend any time together. He will come home earlier for a few days when I say I would like to spend time together but it’s always slipping back to later and later.

Last night I was in bed and had my eyes closed but not asleep. Heard the door open at 10:15. When I “woke up” to clean my teeth he said “I’m so tired, I got back at 9:30 but you were asleep”

That felt like a gut punch honestly. I said he didn’t get back at 930 and that I was awake.

I was accused of interrogating him. He said “what benefit would I get from lying to you?” And then said they had to drop a few people off and he didn’t even look at his phone so “assumed” it was 930. Even though he rang me at 10, which he usually does when he’s on the way home!

aibu to feel suspicious or am I controlling like he says I am?

He’s lied for a quiet life
9.30 you don’t kick off
10.15 you kick off

know what option I’d go for the reason he lied was to avoid getting grief

So after talking about it and agreeing that he’d get back in time for us to have at least some evening together, he’s just ignored it, and then lied - that’s ok is it?

I’d have a much bigger issue with him being out til 11 most nights. When do you get to spend time together?

When he rang you at 10pm, what did you tell him?

I didn’t answer the phone as I was in bed and my phone stays on silent.

It’s not okay that he lied, but you’ve got yourselves into a dynamic where he feels like a teenager with a curfew - and teenagers lie!

Can you agree X days where you arrange something you’re both going to do that evening (go to the cinema, pub quiz, whatever) and X days when he can go to the gym as late as he likes? Are you usually in bed by 10? I’d feel pretty resentful tbh about having to stop doing something active that I enjoyed and get home early just to sit on the sofa watching shit TV and then them going to bed early.

He doesn't want to prioritise you. Is this what you want for yourself?

We never do anything. We have small kids. Hes either at the gym, picking up late shifts at work or on video games. I’m just so lonely.

If the relationship is otherwise fine, I’d call him out, discuss the problem (which is the time he gets back, not the lie), resolve it, and leave it at that. He lied, as others have said, for a quiet life. I’m not sticking up for that but it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker.

It does seem there are wider issues. I concentrate on addressing them, not fixate on the lie.

I don’t understand why you pretended to be asleep.

Maybe agree a specific time for him to be back by and you also make sure you stay up until that time. It’s probably quite annoying for him to come home because you’ve said you want some time together to find that you’ve gone to bed.

The short answer is he’d rather be with other people, doing other things than be at home with you and he’s prepared to lie to be able to do that.

The much longer answer is wrapped up in if you’re prepared to live like that? If you want someone who is home more? If you want someone more honest, who keeps their promises with you? Etc.

Essentially, it sounds like your needs aren’t being met in this relationship. You’ve spoken to him about what he needs to do to meet them (be home at a decent hour so you can have time together), he agrees verbally but then doesn’t actually spend time with you.

It’s ok to end this relationship because your needs aren’t being met, because you’ve spelt out to him very clearly why he needs to do to meet them and he doesn’t care enough to do that 🤷‍♀️

He's staying out because doing his parental duties is not what he wants to do. I've seen it so often. Tell him to shape up or ship out.

Well, that’s different if you have DC - he’s not doing his fair share of bedtimes / childcare, and that’s not right. Extra shifts, fine; the gym once or twice a week; fine. The two of you need to communicate about this properly, you need to put it in the table that he isn’t taking his part in family life and if he’s not interested then separation is on the cards.

Have you ever had an open conversation with him about this? I suspect he’s been indulging himself not realising how lonely it’s making you.

I would explain your thinking and feelings here and go from there.

My ex was like this. I tried to have reasonable conversations where we would agree to compromises so that we would both get something we wanted out of a situation, and then he’d simply do whatever he wanted to do anyway, and when I reminded him of what we’d agreed he would insist that he had never agreed to it.

After a few of these conversations it became clear that there was no point trying to resolve anything with discussion because he simply refused to acknowledge any agreements.

I think you’re in a similar situation. Your partner might agree to a particular course of action, but he has no intention of actually doing what he agreed to do. If he thinks you’re asking for something unreasonable he should say so. Instead, he just does whatever he wants and lies to you.

It sounds like a dealbreaker to me, because he’s unlikely to change and his immaturity is making you miserable.

Yes, so many times. I’ve been called controlling, untrusting and boring. He said he wants to go the gym and I knew he always went to the gym (before we had kids)

He does this multiple times a week. On days he’s not at the gym he will work late. Then when I think he’s home for the evening he will book an activity for him and his friends. On Friday he’s booked a virtual experience for him and his mates 2 hours away, and won’t be back until 1am as it ends at 11pm.

Maybe I am asking too much, but I just feel like we’re flatmates at this point. I eat alone nearly every night, watch television on my own and go to sleep alone.

Just tell him that since he's made it clear he isn't interested in having a relationship with you, that you don't intend waiting around for it anymore and that you're moving on.

Bet he manages to get home by 9.30 for a few nights.

Either way, I can't really see what you're getting out of this relationship. I'd give up in your shoes.

I think you should pick up some hobbies, meet friends etc and have a life outside of him and his wants/needs. It will do you good ☺️

It's all your fault OP. If you didn't want to spend time with the person you are in a relationship with he wouldn't have to lie.

He's made it quite clear that he prefers being at the gym to being with you and he's calling you controlling for asking him to make some time for you. You could try and negotiate a certain number of nights together and on other nights he does his own thing and comes home when he wants but the truth is you're just not that important to him.

You have a choice to make about whether that's the life you want for yourself.

Honestly you’re basically a single parent at this point. There is more to it than just what you’re upset about in your OP.

The relationship is over

So yes, YABU for allowing yourself to be treated like this and then complaining when nothing has changed. Do you want this life?

So when he had kids, he thought parenting them wasn't his job and therefore his life didn't need to change at all? Why did he even want them in the first place? Why does he want a partner for that matter?

The lying would piss me off, but what would really hurt me would be the fact that you have to convince your own life partner to spend time with you. That's so horrible and I'd try to have a reasonable, non-accusatory conversation about how it's making you feel, having to ask for snippets of his time, like you're doing a favour. If he's not open to hearing your hurt without getting defensive, he's not a nice man OP.

No. But there is more wrong with your relationship than the instance of this lie.

That’s not what you need to focus on here - it’s all the other stuff that led to his lie.

You both sound like a pair of teenagers yes you sound controlling bit if you think you habe been lied too why on earth would you want to stay with him

You are treating him like a child he doesnt want to be with you what on earth is the point?

And why the pretending to be asleep game playing?