To be annoyed at DH for going away over Easter weekend?

[Mamathulu]

DH is in a band. It's more of a 'dream pursuit' than a hobby. And I recognise that it's important for his well being to be able to do it. They get paid, but it's usually only petrol/expenses, or if it's more, it goes back into the band for recording, so not a money maker. He rehearses once a week, and gigs at weekends, usually locally, so it's an 'out for the evening' thing. Fine. They've just booked a gig on Easter Sunday, in a city 5 and a half hours drive away - so it won't just be an evening, it'll be up there Saturday, play Sunday, back Monday, most likely. At the very least, it'll be up there Sunday morning, back Monday lunchtime. So it messes with Easter Sunday and BH Monday.

To put some context into it, it's not straightforward - we have 3 disabled people in the family, so DH works full time and cares for us all, me and 2 DSs with SEND. I do realise how much he sacrifices for us and how hard he works. And he supports me with my dream pursuit for which I sometimes need to go away for - this year, I've been away for one 5-day retreat and one 5 day pitch event (both of which I won, but obvs came with travel and accommodation costs) and a pitch event in London which meant an overnight stay as well. But this is my 'work' as a writer. He sometimes has to go away for work as well, for 2-7 days at a time, and I cope with looking after the boys on my own with extra help from PAs when this happens.

This feels different though because it's a national holiday. With him going away for work and gigs, me going away for work, I feel like Christmas/Easter should be protected. If he's away over a birthday, we move the birthday to one side of it, and celebrate it before or after, but Easter can't be moved. Usually we'd have the older two here Easter Sunday (who are grown up) and maybe see my mum's relatives.Instead I'm going to be stuck at home with the boys for two days - with no extra help because it will be Easter, and my budget can't cope with double time. So Easter will be really boring for the boys. However, I also suspect I may be BU, and making a fuss over nothing. When he first mentioned it to me I said I didn't really want him to go away over Easter, but they've gone and booked it anyway. Thoughts?

Easter is a family celebration in my family so no, I wouldn't be happy about this.

He cares for all of you and you're begrudging him a weekend away when you're regularly away with your hobby?! That's definitely unreasonable.

Easter doesn't register as an event other chocolate eggs in this household, so it wouldn't put me up nor down. Sounds like he works hard and is supportive of your writing, so I don't see an issue here

Agreed.

Does your work pay?
Your husband works hard to support you and two SEND children?
I would be inclined to think he needs a break every now and then.

As a carer for his wife and children, it probably feels as though every day to him is “family time.” He supports you with your dreams, I’d give him this weekend to support him with his. Why can’t your adult DC or your mum and her relatives still visit even though he won’t be there?

i think it's hard, OP, but he does everything all the time for all of you? he deserves a break sometime, and if the band is booked for a gig, he can hardly choose the time/place.

I think you should wave him off with a smile.

ETA: gosh i missed that you already go away.

I find it weirder that you’re happy to move a birthday celebration than Easter (which moves every year anyway). Can you have your celebration on another weekend? Maybe your DH can do the shorter 1 night trip as a compromise.

Sorry OP but I think you are being very unreasonable to begrudge him one night away especially when he does so much generally and you have lots of nights away. Easter shouldnt be ‘protected’, its a great option for him with the extra long weekend as you can ‘celebrate Easter’ on the Friday before he goes.
I am sure you can think of something for your boys so it isnt ‘boring’ for the few hours he is away.

Easter is an important family event for us - not religious - so this would not have been booked. Simple as that really.

I also agree that he deserves this time away. Is there a reason why you still can't see the adult children and your realt8ves?

You’ve been away for two 5 day events already this year and it’s not even the end of January? I mean yes YABU that you draw the line at Easter weekend - unless you’re practising and won’t be able to get to the local church, then I could understand the disappointment.

He has other nights, weekends and trips away for the band - I absolutely don't begrudge him those. It's just this one. But I take what everyone's said on board, and yes, I probably am BU and grumpy about it. I probably won't have the DCs or my mum round though, as they're very resentful about being asked to do anything, my mum is getting on now, so I feel bad asking her to do anything, and I just don't have the ability to play host to them.

No, the trips away were last year.

I think you're being very unreasonable.

He goes away for work.

You've been away twice already this year for 5 day events and another one day that you guys paid travel and accomodation for your dream writing gig? You've been away 10 days in January already and you think he shouldn't gig over the Easter weekend.

You need to look at the huge inequity here.. You go away so much for your dream gig and he wants to do one gig away and you're not liking it.

You've been away 11 times for your dream to his proposed 1.

Sorry OP I think you’re being massively massively unreasonable. Let him go.

Could you go with him?

Does your writing generate an income?

Ok - my trips away were things I won, and all during last year - I haven't been away for 10 days this Jan. He's away for other gigs all throughout the year - usually Saturday nights, sometimes weekends away, and they did loads of gigs at festivals last year. He also has a weekend away with friends going to gigs in the summer - so it's not like I keep him chained to the sink!

So he works full-time, cares for you and your disabled children, takes on all the parenting while you go off and do your hobby, but you begrudge him two nights away because it's Easter?

Really?

We could theoretically, but it's not really the kind of thing I can take two autistic teenagers to, when there's loads of people drinking and super-loud music. No, it's fine, I'll suck it up and send him off with a smile.

he is a carer for 3 people, enough of a carer that extra support needs to be drafted in when he is away. He supports you in to do your dream job and travel regularly of course Yabu and unendingly selfish.

this hobby is something that is his, no need to begrudge him that too.

why are you ignoring the questions?
He earns all the money, does all the caring, you get to pursue your hobby and have nights away. So why can't he?

I see you meant last year. That sounds like the time is more equitable at least.

I still think you're being really unreasonable. You get to spend 5 days at a time and you pay for it, he should be able to go do his thing too.

He is making some money here as well as getting time to do what he loves. It's a hobby that brings in enough to pay for itself. It's probably a great stress relief too. He's a caregiver and they need respite time.

If birthdays can be moved, can Easter be moved too?

The band isn't a money maker but the only way it could be is if they get more gigs and are better known than just the local area. What are they aiming for in gigging terms?

I would be figuring out how to have him be able to go away more often. What happens if they get decide to try and get onto a tour support? That's not just a couple of nights at Easter, it could be weeks at a time he is away.