To be annoyed at DH for going away over Easter weekend?

[Mamathulu]

DH is in a band. It's more of a 'dream pursuit' than a hobby. And I recognise that it's important for his well being to be able to do it. They get paid, but it's usually only petrol/expenses, or if it's more, it goes back into the band for recording, so not a money maker. He rehearses once a week, and gigs at weekends, usually locally, so it's an 'out for the evening' thing. Fine. They've just booked a gig on Easter Sunday, in a city 5 and a half hours drive away - so it won't just be an evening, it'll be up there Saturday, play Sunday, back Monday, most likely. At the very least, it'll be up there Sunday morning, back Monday lunchtime. So it messes with Easter Sunday and BH Monday.

To put some context into it, it's not straightforward - we have 3 disabled people in the family, so DH works full time and cares for us all, me and 2 DSs with SEND. I do realise how much he sacrifices for us and how hard he works. And he supports me with my dream pursuit for which I sometimes need to go away for - this year, I've been away for one 5-day retreat and one 5 day pitch event (both of which I won, but obvs came with travel and accommodation costs) and a pitch event in London which meant an overnight stay as well. But this is my 'work' as a writer. He sometimes has to go away for work as well, for 2-7 days at a time, and I cope with looking after the boys on my own with extra help from PAs when this happens.

This feels different though because it's a national holiday. With him going away for work and gigs, me going away for work, I feel like Christmas/Easter should be protected. If he's away over a birthday, we move the birthday to one side of it, and celebrate it before or after, but Easter can't be moved. Usually we'd have the older two here Easter Sunday (who are grown up) and maybe see my mum's relatives.Instead I'm going to be stuck at home with the boys for two days - with no extra help because it will be Easter, and my budget can't cope with double time. So Easter will be really boring for the boys. However, I also suspect I may be BU, and making a fuss over nothing. When he first mentioned it to me I said I didn't really want him to go away over Easter, but they've gone and booked it anyway. Thoughts?

Easter is early this year, so it'll probably be cold and rainy and boring indoor weather anyway.

Yanbu

I sing in a band which, like your DHs, is a hobby that washes its face rather than a money maker.

We frequently turn down opportunities because band members have family or work commitments, it sounds like he's rehearsing and gigging a lot already and he can't do everything.

Easter is a family time and he should have checked with you and listened to you.

I honestly don't understand why people think you are being unreasonable.

Who were your older children carers for growing up? you or their siblings?
you are coming across really really selfish!
so it’s ok for you to have your hobbies and holidays, but he can’t, the elder dc can only come if they step up to do more caring? Again who for?

Yabu, being a carer is bloody hard work. He deserves respite

Op isn't expecting them to care, just chip in with doing household stuff when they visit. They expect waiting on hand and foot. If dh isn't around and they're visiting then putting on a pizza and washing up hardly seems to be a huge burden for them as adults. It sounds like there are arrangements in place for caring as op's dh has regular overnight stays away. If they contributed rather than sitting around then Easter without dh would be a much nicer prospect for op.

@Mamathulu it's going to be hard but as they're adults it sounds like roles need a reset. Maybe a rota for visits for the basics? Get some easy things to prepare in so cooking isn't a chore and everyone can relax?

The radio must be an absolute nightmare for you.

Why won’t you have your DCs with you? Do they not live with you?

I think she means her older DC, not the teenagers who live at home.

I can understand why you’d be unhappy about it and it sounds very hard for you but it also must be very hard for him knowing if he’s not there, life pretty much stops for you and you don’t do anything or see anyone. He must feel a lot of guilt and pressure. Try to let him go without telling him what he’s deprived you of that weekend socially or it will only put more guilt on him and he sounds like a good one 🙂 It’s not fair he gets more piled on because the other adults in your life are useless. Try and make the most of a cosy long weekend in with your younger kids.

Caring for who though? Who’s caring and putting things on like food for the younger dc then? Or is op saying I’m cooking for me and your siblings, not for you?

It's in April, so not particularly early?

Anyway OP, YABU.

YABVU.

Good lord, this! I feel bad for OP's family, she sounds like a nightmare.

The man sounds like a saint. He works, cares for 3 disabled people in the house, ensured that your older DX weren't robbed of their childhood... and you are complaining that he won't be around to host a big family meal for Easter? So instead of him having some well deserved respite, you'd like for him to... do more at home?!

Every day doesn't have to be fun for your teenagers. Your husband deserves a medal. I can only imagine he would be completely burnt out and go insane if he didn't have these breaks.

Find the continued pile-on on this thread perplexing. The OP has graciously accepted that she is BU (although I’m not sure she is) whilst explaining her life with disability and high-need DCs. Her DH shops and cooks. That doesn’t make him a saint.

You are being selfish. Youare allowed to be away because you consider it work and he has to run the house. His band is also work, ok money may go back into the band but to him it’s work, and a release from the pressure he must be under looking after you all and working.

Well I'd assume whoever does this when dh is staying away overnight with his band which it sounds is a regular occurrence. However carers aren't there to wait on guests so presumably a respite arrangement

In fairness... I think it's obvious enough he does alot more than the cooking and groceries.

Imagine even just the mental load he has.
I'm not saying the OP doesn't do all she possibly can.. but to be bedbound mostly which she has said, I think he does alot more than she's letting on.

Maybe this is way of just getting out of a big dinner with extended family that he needs to cater to? Maybe he's just bloody tired.

I don't think she sounds like a nightmare. Nobody is perfect, especially when they have so much on their plates and she has considered the feedback on this thread carefully.

I do think she may be a bit blinkered when it comes to her older children. Unless she became disabled after they moved out, then they will definitely have been impacted by having a housebound/bedbound mum, 2 disabled younger siblings and a stepdad who sometimes works away. I expect it would have been impossible for them not to have been in the carer role at some points in their lives. The fact the OP is complaining about a uni student having a lie in suggests she does have unrealistic expectations of them.

I'd be very cross he'd done it without any discussion, but once I calmed down I'd be looking to see how we could make a family trip of it.

I honestly don't understand why people think you are being unreasonable.

because he is the breadwinner and the carer for 3 people. OP gets to go away, but now she wants to but the kybosh on her (carer for 3 people) DH doing it too?

Carer burnout is A Thing. And not forgetting that a husband carer is more likely to jack it in than a wife carer. Carers need self care too. That is why the poll is why it is and why so many people are saying YABU in the comments.

I don’t think yabu op.

He’s going away at a time when it’s not financially viable to recruit extra support, and you have to miss a family celebration.

I think a better question to ask is would he be supportive of you going away if he had to manage without support, and would have to miss an occasion?

I think it’s pretty crap that he’s disregarded your opinion. But it sounds like you’re both committed and supportive of each other generally, so I honestly don’t know that I have any practical advice.

I don’t think most people can begin to imagine what life is like when you’re disabled, and have dc either high care needs. MN is very ableist, and the bottom line here is that your worth as a human is directly correlated to your labour potential in the capitalist economy.

I don’t think most people can begin to imagine what life is like when you’re disabled, and have dc either high care needs.

I'm pretty sure the DH in this scenario can imagine EXACTLY what this is like.

I honestly don't understand why people think you are being unreasonable.

Because it is for 2-3 days
Because it is 3 months away, not in 24 hours leaving them with no notice to plan.
Because the man works full time and cares for his wife and children on the 363 other days of the year
Because everyone -regardless of whether they have children or not - is allowed free time to do what they love
Because "Easter" weekend is just another bank holiday weekend
Because the OP herself has had breaks of 5 days away from her children leaving her husband to care for them

Shall I go on?

I bet you wouldn't make all these disclaimers if OP was male.