To be annoyed at DH for going away over Easter weekend?

[Mamathulu]

DH is in a band. It's more of a 'dream pursuit' than a hobby. And I recognise that it's important for his well being to be able to do it. They get paid, but it's usually only petrol/expenses, or if it's more, it goes back into the band for recording, so not a money maker. He rehearses once a week, and gigs at weekends, usually locally, so it's an 'out for the evening' thing. Fine. They've just booked a gig on Easter Sunday, in a city 5 and a half hours drive away - so it won't just be an evening, it'll be up there Saturday, play Sunday, back Monday, most likely. At the very least, it'll be up there Sunday morning, back Monday lunchtime. So it messes with Easter Sunday and BH Monday.

To put some context into it, it's not straightforward - we have 3 disabled people in the family, so DH works full time and cares for us all, me and 2 DSs with SEND. I do realise how much he sacrifices for us and how hard he works. And he supports me with my dream pursuit for which I sometimes need to go away for - this year, I've been away for one 5-day retreat and one 5 day pitch event (both of which I won, but obvs came with travel and accommodation costs) and a pitch event in London which meant an overnight stay as well. But this is my 'work' as a writer. He sometimes has to go away for work as well, for 2-7 days at a time, and I cope with looking after the boys on my own with extra help from PAs when this happens.

This feels different though because it's a national holiday. With him going away for work and gigs, me going away for work, I feel like Christmas/Easter should be protected. If he's away over a birthday, we move the birthday to one side of it, and celebrate it before or after, but Easter can't be moved. Usually we'd have the older two here Easter Sunday (who are grown up) and maybe see my mum's relatives.Instead I'm going to be stuck at home with the boys for two days - with no extra help because it will be Easter, and my budget can't cope with double time. So Easter will be really boring for the boys. However, I also suspect I may be BU, and making a fuss over nothing. When he first mentioned it to me I said I didn't really want him to go away over Easter, but they've gone and booked it anyway. Thoughts?

I was with you until you mentioned your time away. Also the point you made about birthdays being moved but Easter can’t be moved? Why not? He sounds like he does a lot for the family, I wouldn’t begrudge him this

What is it that you want to do to celebrate Easter that can’t be done the weekend before or after?

I don’t mean go to the gig, I mean make a weekend away of it for you all?

You are being unreasonable OP (unless there's a massive drip feed coming) but I think you already know that. He sounds like a decent bloke generally and Easter isn't right up there with Christmas.

I think YABU, he is following his passion as you are with your writing - on top of this he works full time and cares for 3 people! I think he deserves the break.

What can you put in place to try and have an enjoyable time with the kids? Ask him to help you prep meals and anything else that will mean you have a chance to relax (washing/cleaning/sorting out some activities before he goes?) What do your kids like doing? Plan some home activities/movie afternoon with snacks etc and chill out with them if you can.

He works full time, he is a carer for you and 2 disabled kids, I think he needs and deserves the band trip as his respite.

I can see Easter is a good time to get together with family because it's a nice long weekend but if you aren't religious it isn't particularly special in itself surely?

I imagine that DH might have to do a lot of managing of the day with his caring responsibilities so it may not be feasible without him.

That would just mean he had to be carer while away gigging for a weekend. That’s not really a break for him.

So, my trips last year were very much a one-off. It was the first time I had flown in 17 years, and it was only because I now have a power chair that I was even able to go. Usually I'm bed and housebound. My going away is a rarity. His caring duties are shopping and cooking. I use my PA hours to get the washing and washing up done, go to medical appointments. It's very rarely used to get me out of the house, as I see that trying to do my bit around the house to look after the boys as more important than me being able to go shopping. And, as i've said before, he does get other weekends and night away which I don't begrudge him at all. But yes, I've completely taken on board that IABU, and you're right, Easter's not that big a deal. I would feel weird taking the boys with him for a band weekend, and it doesn't make it easier for him to do that - going away with all of us is harder work than being at home, and he really wouldn't need that over a gig weekend. He does always get us microwave meals before he goes away, so we'll just do that.

Unless you had Easter plans set in stone (paid deposit for a trip, family traveling to be hosted) or are religious and celebrate it in church as a family, I dont see an issue.

You mange when he is way for work for a lomger period, you will manage for the gig. If anything this means if an event you want to do falls over a BH it shouldn't be an issue for you to attend.

Try to see it as just an unfortunate timing of trip due to travel logistics. This may be the bands big break.

As you know you will have the DC see if there is something you may be able to book to do. You have plenty of time to plan.

I think I’d have the arse ache for Christmas but Easter - and I say this for a catholic - is not a protected holiday.

I suspect his equilibrium is being kept afloat by escapes like this

Maybe having to play host to them is why he's booked to go away? I wouldn't be happy spending my bank holidays waiting on my in laws

I wouldn’t care it was Easter. Personally, Xmas would be different. At Easter, I’d care more about acknowledging my partner doing all the things they do for me and the family. You went away. Don’t squash him - it creates resentment.

And why do you tiptoe around your adult DC and mother, fearful of causing ‘resentment’ but expect your DH to suck it up and cater to it all?

Yes, one thing that this post has highlighted is that I have to talk to them about that. To be fair, one is in a flatshare, the other's at uni, and my mum's in her 80s, so it's not like they can host anything, but the two older DCs could and should be doing so much more to help out when they're here, other than clearing the table.

We had issues when they were growing up, with their dad insisting we were turning them into child carers, when it was absolutely the opposite, so now whenever they're here they just act like it's a hotel, sleep in, stay up late, don't cook, don't wash up unless asked, and even then sometimes don't . We generally only see them at Christmas, Easter and birthdays now, as I don't want the extra work for DH, don't want to knacker myself out, and whenever I raise the issue the cold barriers go up from them and it's like I'm Hitler. So I just don't any more. I just feel so bloody useless, like I'm dependent on other people for everything. So thanks for highlighting that issue - it's another thing to address.

Are you a practising Christian?

@Mamathuluare you saying that you have adult kids with someone then this is your second husband and you’ve had more kids?

Yes I do think DH has overshot in trying to protect children from parentification if they are now young adults who refuse to help around
the house?!!

Sorry, I got only to
"My DH is in a band".
Ick.

Yes, how awful and cringe for someone to do something sociable and creative that they love. 🙄

Gosh yes, playing music alongside other people in front of a crowd is just so… something?
🙄

No, the older two don't HAVE to be you or your dcs carers. That's absolutely not cool. Wash up and cook, yes? Play mummy, daddy, housekeeper and babysitter no! My sil does this with her kids, no wonder they don't visit frankly. I say that as a disabled person who'll rather lie on the floor than ask my kids to help me as they are kids, not my slaves.

The OP didn’t say she expects them to be her carers; quite the opposite. She said they have gone so far the other way that they do absolutely nothing, and certainly don’t wash up or cook.

Usually I am the first to say LTB with little to no provocation, but I think in this case, I would let DH go and have some fun. It sounds like life is pretty hard for all of you, and you have to find joy wherever you can. DH will probably come home refreshed and in a much better position to resume his caring duties.

I think you should give him some slack here. I think he needs to do this for himself and for his relaxation and his emotional health.

You’ve been very gracious in your responses to the many posts you’ve had. I’m sorry you’ve got so many struggles.