To find it really annoying when people bang on about the importance of “doing inner work”?

[Seymorbutts]

The main place I keep seeing this is on OLD profiles. They say things like “only interested in people who’ve done the work, done inner work, worked on themselves” etc. as though the only thing that can possibly make you an emotionally intelligent, thoughtful human is therapy. I’m a woman who dates women so these are women’s profiles. I’m not sure you’d see it so much on men’s profiles (although correct me if I’m wrong). I just find it so annoying and superior. As though some of these people think they’ve reached some form of emotional enlightenment that no one else can match unless they’ve had intense therapy. We don’t all need therapy to become self-aware and emotionally intelligent! 😤

I'd prefer someone who was less concerned with naval gazing

This sounds very American therapy speak to me.

I don't think there's anything wrong with them setting that out, it prevents them wasting time and it's useful for you to know they may not be right for you.

Is it that they think then that they won’t have to deal with the time of life where you try to figure yourself out? Wouldn’t love someone telling me they wanted me to arrive all sorted out😅😅😅

Yep, those people looking at ships all the time are very boring

IME people who make a big deal out if this sort of thing often don't even know what it means and are more fucked up and toxic than your average person who's just muddling through but now they have a full vocabulary of therapy speak to gaslight you with.

Scroll past and spare yourself the trouble.

Might they mean they don't want someone who is confused about their sexuality?

Thankfully I have never heard this expression.

No it’s definitely phrased in a way that means “I want you to be emotionally mature” which is obvs fair enough but it’d be nice if they could just say that rather than having some sort of “requirement” that you have to have had therapy

I don't think it means you have to have had therapy, only that they're not interested in dating someone who is boiling over with undealt-with traumas, complexes and unexpressed rage they're barely aware of.

There's another current thread about how to find emotionally-intelligent men in their 30s and 40s to date.

I think this is essentially a way of saying the same thing. Deal with your shit before you come near me.

I personally wouldn’t include it in my own profile, but I’d much rather someone that did the work than someone who hadn’t! The latter ruin lives.

Agreed. I don’t think they realise it’s basically broadcasting to all potential dates that they have massive issues

I can't say I have ever seen - or heard anyone say this.

Then again, I don't have the misfortune of having to go on the dismal cesspit that is Online Dating! 😱

What the effinjeff is 'inner work'?

Those phrases would be a big red flag for me, they sound totally self-obsessed. Eeeeeeeeuuuuwwww.

I hate all that shite. At nearly 50, I know myself very well and I know what my faults are. Some of them I make time to ‘work on’ but that’s a private matter and not something I need to blather on about to others. I tend to think that getting through the day without hurting anyone and causing minimal impact to the planet is enough. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t feel the need to ‘grow’ as a person or go on a ‘journey’ or whatnot.

I don't even know what that statement means tbh and would have no interest in a person who put that in their profile.

Some people weaponise therapy-speak. These people should be avoided at all costs, especially for romantic relationships but also friendships and in the workplace. Avoid!!

It’s good they flag it though, you so can give them a wide berth and swerve.

Life is too short for the drama and self obsession

I hear the phrase ‘inner work’ used a lot to refer to self awareness and dealing with hurts, traumas, insecurities etc., not necessarily in the context of therapy.

Is it not a great warning sign? Just swipe left!

Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I would translate it to "seeking someone who has their shit together - especially emotionally".

Wtf is wrong with people and all this shit that they come out with? Who has time for it in the real world anyway, they need to get a life as well as drop the dramatics and smugness nonsense.
No matter how superior they think they are to everyone they still sit on the loo like eveyone else.

Fair enough - I genuinely find though, that people who haven’t done as much work as I’ve done (a lot…) are 99% of the time less self-aware and emotionally intelligent.

To the point - that if I’m totally honest - I actually wonder if you’re just not self-aware enough to know how much baggage and weirdness you’ve got going on?

Honestly, I wouldn’t put it like that but if I was dating now in my 40s I couldn’t be arsed wasting time on someone who didn’t reflect on their behaviours in a mature way. There are way way too many millennials who can’t admit they are anything less than perfect, and behave like absolute toss pots.

having said that, I also wouldn’t want to date someone who was a bore about it, so there is definitely a fine line between being productively self reflective and emotionally mature, and trotting out meaningless therapy speak.

Some of the posts on this thread are a good example - people being quite weird and personal / borderline angry / nasty about it. Which sort of makes the point really.