To find it really annoying when people bang on about the importance of “doing inner work”?

[Seymorbutts]

The main place I keep seeing this is on OLD profiles. They say things like “only interested in people who’ve done the work, done inner work, worked on themselves” etc. as though the only thing that can possibly make you an emotionally intelligent, thoughtful human is therapy. I’m a woman who dates women so these are women’s profiles. I’m not sure you’d see it so much on men’s profiles (although correct me if I’m wrong). I just find it so annoying and superior. As though some of these people think they’ve reached some form of emotional enlightenment that no one else can match unless they’ve had intense therapy. We don’t all need therapy to become self-aware and emotionally intelligent! 😤

You’re not unreasonable to have your own opinions and preferences but I’d much rather date someone who had done a lot of introspection and was emotionally open, including talking about past traumas and difficulties, because I can’t bear people who aren’t in touch with their feelings or self aware enough to know and discuss their own faults. So for me, this would be a plus point on someone’s dating profile. We’re all different.

And someone who would “never dream of doing the inner work” would be a massive red flag for me. There isn’t a right and wrong here. It’s a difference of opinion and values.

Fair enough. For me it was a relief having had my vulnerabilities preyed on in a manipulative way in the past. I am myself studying a counselling course so know how important it can be. Not for announcing on OLD though, IMO.

Well for a start they usually have their sexual orientation hidden on their profile, or occasionally it’ll be listed as bicurious. Although some bisexual women don’t list their sexuality on their profile cos they get creepy messages from men fetishising it apparently. I’ve never come across anyone outright lying and putting ‘lesbian’ or ‘gay’ on their profile unless they are totally secure & comfortable that they are. Other indicators are just subtle things that aren’t always totally reliable but strongly suggest someone’s bicurious/unsure. Like what they wear - lots of pics in heels, certain types of dresses, skirts & tops unless it’s at a wedding or something. There are, of course, super feminine lesbians but they just dress in a very slightly different way to the way super fem straight women dress. It’s hard to explain! It’s just something so subtle, learned from years of experience. It’s called ‘gaydar’ lol. Also friends & friendship groups often look different if there’s pics of them. I can only speak for my age group (around 30-45) I probably couldn’t spot the difference in younger women so well