To find it really annoying when people bang on about the importance of “doing inner work”?

[Seymorbutts]

The main place I keep seeing this is on OLD profiles. They say things like “only interested in people who’ve done the work, done inner work, worked on themselves” etc. as though the only thing that can possibly make you an emotionally intelligent, thoughtful human is therapy. I’m a woman who dates women so these are women’s profiles. I’m not sure you’d see it so much on men’s profiles (although correct me if I’m wrong). I just find it so annoying and superior. As though some of these people think they’ve reached some form of emotional enlightenment that no one else can match unless they’ve had intense therapy. We don’t all need therapy to become self-aware and emotionally intelligent! 😤

Exactly this, giving it the big I am about how insightful they are and how sorted they are so that they're setting out who they are. They dont even know who they are!

I agree. Do they actually mention therapy or are you inferring it OP?

Yes, everyone is so bloody inward looking these days. I actively avoided any kind of therapy because I was afraid I would end up like this 😅 Then I lost my Dad and the arse fell out of my world and I needed help because I was sinking. One of the first things I said to the therapist was that I was worried about becoming therapied up. When you refer to these people that exactly what I think of.

I don't think therapy is bad, in fact, I gained quite an interesting perspective from it but it's the people who make it their entire personality that grate. If people spent as much time trying to heal relationships as they do trying to heal their inner child, the world would be a better place. Just my opinion.

Agreed. To me it just screams 1. I (at least was, probably still am even though I think I’m not) an emotional fuck up and 2. I’m completely self-obsessed and will likely talk about myself a LOT!

I wouldn’t take ‘inner work’ as meaning therapy. I would take it as meaning you’ve worked on yourself and you aren’t dragging your baggage from your toxic exes and your dysfunctional homophobic family and your body dysmorphia and your insecurity about your sexuality and your drug issues into a new relationship. I think that’s fair enough. I’m not sure I’d state it in a dating profile (but then again, I’m not dating), but I sure as hell would want to screen for it. I think especially if you’re dating in your 30s, 40s and beyond you can be dragging around a lot of baggage that really you should be putting down.

Yes I think it’s this. But also agree with other posters, people who spell this out in that way probably feel superior and want to express that superiority- and this in itself suggests they have not done enough ‘inner work’. some of the most narcissistic and dysfunctional people I know claim to be super self-actualized.

And it’s a bit pointless because people who haven’t grown/self reflected don’t tend to have the awareness to know they haven’t. So it doesn’t filter anyone out.

And they will start quoting therapy phrases at you, as a weapon in conversations. That would be my expectation.

Im 64 and I think its incredibly important. Ive been married 3 times and each marriage failed because we were all fucked up and somehow thought it would work. It didn't.
My best friend is a Catholic priest (gay) and he showed me the importance of doing either therapy or spiritual work. And to pair that with doing selfless things for other people so its not all just naval gazing.
We're strange friends because Im pagan and he's a Catholic but it works.
Ive since done a lot of spiritual work and for the first time Im not messing things up and Im breaking old destructive patterns that ruined my relationships.
It works. Ive been able to make a lot more friends and have a better life.
I cant be bothered with another marriage though. Im more peaceful living alone.

Its usually a red flag that means: “I am very neurotic and needy and will want to over-analyse every interaction we have and drag you into the mire of over reflection”.

I'm in my 60s and have never done OLD, so can only speak from what I've observed in myself and the people in my life.

The most balanced and content people have taken some time to have a good think about stuff. I don't know if that's 'internal work' or not. I mean people who've considered what holds them back, what makes them tick, what makes them a good/bad friend/parent/lover/individual. They've cast off stuff that holds them back and read or worked on stuff that improves life for them and others around them.

The people who haven't had a good think often stumble or come up against problems later on. It's as though a balloon of something has built up in them and either holds them back or pops with negative consequences.

I've watched people go through the process and would say the thinkers/balloon poppers are doing it right. Life is better afterwards. Perhaps everyone should do it earlier in life. Perhaps people can only do it when they're ready.

I wondered that. It must get very annoying to start dating people who turn out to be using you as an experiment about their own sexuality.

I don’t think it’s that. As a gay woman I can pretty easily spot someone who’s not sure about their sexuality just from their dating app profile

It’s so bloody American! They are obsessed with therapy! (I’m not dismissing therapy by the way, when it’s needed and beneficial, but in America it’s like a cult!)

I think this sums it up well. I think there’s better & more subtle ways to show that you’re emotionally mature and have worked through stuff rather than spelling it out on a dating app. It feels like TMI. Like I don’t want to know about a potential date’s history of emotional struggles and journey to overcome them. It feels too personal. It’s similar to people who put anything negative on their profile like “no time wasters. If you just say ‘hi’ I won’t be replying” or “giving this app one last chance” - anything negative like that is just an instant turn off. Yeah you might be thinking it but like it or not, dating apps are about selling yourself and most people are drawn to other people who present themselves as fun, interesting and easy-going

But only ever when it's about me. If you think that will be in any way a reciprocal arrangement, I will refer you back to my specification that YOU must have already DONE your inner work.

I agree with this. And I also don't want someone who hasn't dealt with their shit in one way or another. It's part of growing up.

I think its fine to do some work on yourself. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD a few years ago and therapy made a world of difference to me.
I don't find it necessary to bang on about it wherever I go but it has changed my life for the better and improved all of my relationships.
I cant see any harm in that.

It’s not the doing the ‘inner work’ that’s offputting- it’s announcing it as though you want a badge or a pat on the back for being so grown-up and enlightened. Ironically, I actually think it can make people come across as a bit fragile or unstable.

If you really have ‘done the work’, then you should feel quietly confident that you are a decent person who has something to offer a potential partner. Telling others makes you come across as self-absorbed or unsure of yourself. It’s the sort of thing you might talk about with your partner, or family member or a good friend; but not something to use as a way to advertise yourself to potential dates.

I would find this massively off-putting and a red flag. I deliberately chose to be with my husband, who would never dream of doing ‘inner work’, after a disastrous relationship with someone who was all in his own head - and wanted to get inside mine.

Out of interest, how can you tell this from their profile?

Agree too much therapy-speak is generally off putting and can be a sign of self involvement in anyone who over uses it…

Exactly.

”Doing the work” should be a hallmark of an emotionally mature individual who doesn’t want to dump all their shit on those closest to them. That should be a given, whether it involves therapy or just being a grown up who takes responsibility for their actions.

But plastering your emotional maturity onto a dating app comes across as very prescriptive and a bit bullying; its basically saying you want someone else to listen to you bang on about your inner life in cod therapy language all the time.

Have to say my absolute worst nightmare would be going to therapy, any sort to psychoanalysis. I’m lucky that my mind is fairly sound, so I don’t need help. But I don’t want to know the workings of my inner mind. It just ticks along nicely… Thank you!

I’d feel the same.

However I do find people who completely avoid any introspection or who lack normal levels of empathy very tedious too.

Being honest I suspect many people who “do the work” are the opposite end of the spectrum to those who avoid doing any emotional or psychological work and there is a middle ground somewhere.

It’s quite self selecting though. You wouldn’t choose to spend time and money on therapy you didn’t need if you were a happy, unproblematic individual with no problems in your life. Therefore those who wax lyrical about this type of thing point themselves out as maybe a bit vulnerable or fragile which I’d argue is a mistake on dating sites. Most people who have it together will be put off by stuff like this whereas the ones who are drawn to it may have nefarious reasons or their own problems.

I’ve never heard of inner work. Sounds like bollocks.