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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends response to honesty

62 replies

summerily25 · 27/01/2026 12:04

My friend has been dating someone for a few years who I feel is not single. When they originally met this person said they were recently separated etc etc however years later this person is still in regular touch with ex-husband, attending functions together, short trips, school events etc. My friend has yet to have this lady spend a night with him, introduce him to any of her family or friends or basically act like they are in a relationship in the open. I have said before that I didnt think she was completely single but to no avail. I also believe that she has had other "mini" affairs whilst with my friend.

This lady has gone back and forward to her dh for many years, wherein the dh will be aware that she has met someone else, that relationship comes to an end and off she pops back to her dh.

My friend has left and gone back a few times but most recently decided to leave the relationship for good. I was very direct this time about my feelings. I told him that she was basically having an affair - she has had previous affairs and although she was telling my friend she was separated etc I could see no difference between her previous affairs and what my friend had with her. My friend has become very angry with me - in fact vented quite strongly and accused me of being too invested etc. I honestly cant look at him the same. Ive told him that im so angry and upset that after listening for over 4 years and trying to understand that his attitude is to attack me when Im honest with him.

He has tried to make overtures to me, thanking me for being there but Im just done. His attitude to me has shone a light and I feel like he has been using me for help and to offload.

I feel so guilty though. AIBU to just end the friendship. Ive rarely gone to him with any problem Im having as his life appeared so stressful and now Im just done.

OP posts:
BillieWiper · 27/01/2026 12:09

Yeah just drift away. It's all too much. Maybe you were too invested, but he was also overburdening you and using you as a sounding board all this time. Which is unfair and one sided.

The only way is if you both vow to not speak about relationships at all. There are plenty of friends where I barely know a thing about their partner, or them mine. So it's not always necessary topic in order to have a fun friendship.

Original poster
summerily25 · 27/01/2026 12:15

BillieWiper · 27/01/2026 12:09

Yeah just drift away. It's all too much. Maybe you were too invested, but he was also overburdening you and using you as a sounding board all this time. Which is unfair and one sided.

The only way is if you both vow to not speak about relationships at all. There are plenty of friends where I barely know a thing about their partner, or them mine. So it's not always necessary topic in order to have a fun friendship.

I couldnt agree more. Tbh I did try to discuss other topics with him but he was so consumed with this relationship that sooner or later the conversation would drift to that. He once accused me of not caring because I had said it thought it best to concentrate on other things. I literally cant win. The friendship I now find draining as I feel its one sided and Im having to watch what im saying all the time in case I say something that doesnt fit the narrative he wants.

OP posts:
TheatreTheatre · 27/01/2026 12:22

Well, truth hurts, he probably found it very painful to listen to, not to mention the humiliation of hearing that he has been a mug and his friend thinks so too.

So - he shot the messenger.

Did you tell him your views after he left her for good? So rubbing salt into a wound? Did it come across as 'told you so'?

Not saying his reaction to you was OK or that you were wrong to be truthful, just asking in case you want any way back.

Which you don't need to attempt if you don't want to.

Boomer55 · 27/01/2026 12:23

I would really stay less invested in the relationships of friends.

Incalescent · 27/01/2026 12:26

TheatreTheatre · 27/01/2026 12:22

Well, truth hurts, he probably found it very painful to listen to, not to mention the humiliation of hearing that he has been a mug and his friend thinks so too.

So - he shot the messenger.

Did you tell him your views after he left her for good? So rubbing salt into a wound? Did it come across as 'told you so'?

Not saying his reaction to you was OK or that you were wrong to be truthful, just asking in case you want any way back.

Which you don't need to attempt if you don't want to.

This.

It's also an object lesson in not going along with someone's governing obsession for years, nodding dutifully, and then probably going over the top in terms of an infodump of honesty because you explode with frustration.

You're extra annoyed now, because you're blaming him for all the times you chose to go along with discussing this all-consuming relationship when you would have saved yourself a lot of time and irritation by saying, when he accused you of not caring because you wanted to talk about something else, 'You know what, you're right? Only one of us cares about this relationship and it's not me, so I'm going to take a step back until you're prepared to vary your conversation, because I'm finding it a bit draining.'

I get why you're furious, but I think you need to take some responsibility too.

MamaagainJuly2026 · 27/01/2026 12:35

You can’t win in friendships like this.

I understand EXACTLY how you feel.

Your friend comes to you with their relationship issues, you become their rock, you end up becoming involved but your friend gets angry if you share your opinion because they are so blind.

I ended up stepping back massively myself from this situation. You want me to rant at your stupid boyfriend constantly but when you want to be all loved up with him again you hate when I worry about you… hmm… maybe if you didn’t tell me how crap he was I wouldn’t dislike him?

Remove yourself

Branleuse · 27/01/2026 12:35

I think if someone moans and moans about their relationship, doesn't ask about you or your life, then they are just using you.
I think he is perfectly aware that he is not this woman's one and only, but he isn't going to dump someone that is still shagging him unless another better offer comes along.
He doesn't want your advice.
Tell him that you don't want to hear it. That you get what you settle for, and then detach.

LoveWine123 · 27/01/2026 12:37

Move away from this friend if all he wants to talk about is his love life and wants you to be both included but also not invested. Nothing in it for you but boring conversation and other people’s emotional drama.

JanuaryJasmine · 27/01/2026 12:40

My friend has left and gone back a few times but most recently decided to leave the relationship for good. I was very direct this time about my feelings. I told him that she was basically having an affair - she has had previous affairs and although she was telling my friend she was separated etc I could see no difference between her previous affairs and what my friend had with her. My friend has become very angry with me - in fact vented quite strongly and accused me of being too invested etc. I honestly cant look at him the same. Ive told him that im so angry and upset that after listening for over 4 years and trying to understand that his attitude is to attack me when Im honest with him

He'd already left her, why were you then going on about it?

Original poster
summerily25 · 27/01/2026 12:44

My friend has a history of bad relationships. So I think I listened for far longer than I should have. To be clear, I did always voice concerns about that relationship in that it clearly made him feel very anxious and he was regularly upset. My last conversation with him on it though I was very direct as I was hoping this time he might leave that relationship for good. I wasnt unkind but I basically said "J, this person is not making you happy, you are upset, confused and regularly questioning yourself whilst you have been in this relationship. You deserve better than to be with someone who has shown they arent honest and not committed to you". He flew off the handle immediately. I literally got up and left as he was shouting about how I knew nothing and should mind my own business.

What promped this conversation was that J discovered that this lady had gone on a weekend away with her dh/children and lied about the fact that her DH was there. He discovered that she had lied to him via social media, ie he suspected she was lying and went snooping!.

He has contacted me again this morning. asking if we can talk and Ive said that I dont think thats a good idea at present as Im so angry with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerily25 · 27/01/2026 12:46

JanuaryJasmine · 27/01/2026 12:40

My friend has left and gone back a few times but most recently decided to leave the relationship for good. I was very direct this time about my feelings. I told him that she was basically having an affair - she has had previous affairs and although she was telling my friend she was separated etc I could see no difference between her previous affairs and what my friend had with her. My friend has become very angry with me - in fact vented quite strongly and accused me of being too invested etc. I honestly cant look at him the same. Ive told him that im so angry and upset that after listening for over 4 years and trying to understand that his attitude is to attack me when Im honest with him

He'd already left her, why were you then going on about it?

Because he spoke to me about it and was saying that she was contacting him trying to explan and that he "owed" her a hearing. Which is normally the route by which he returns to the relationship. Believe me I dont ever raise the topic of this person, she has been awful to my friend so I dont want anything to do with her.

OP posts:
Beatriz85 · 27/01/2026 12:47

Yup, been there, was the shoulder to cry on through the on and off then on again, then he cheats on her, she forgives him, then he cheats again, then she leaves him for good, then he cries and says life without her is not worth living and she forgives him again, then he cheats and impregnates another woman, it goes on and on.
My advise was mostly ignored, i was only used as sound board, realised she doesn't actually ask or listen to anything about my life, eventually our friendship faded out.

Original poster
summerily25 · 27/01/2026 12:53

I know when you feel deeply for someone that its easy to overlook their behaviour or to try and explain it away. The thing is that he felt it appropriate to lash out at me for trying to be his friend - not the person who is causing him this issue. He is contacting me again, I feel, as he has lost a confidant and someone to lean on rather than me as a person. He may be content to allow someone to mistreat him but Im not. Ive had bad relationships in my youth and am well aware of how confusing and painful it is but I never once blamed my friends for being honest.

OP posts:
Incalescent · 27/01/2026 12:57

summerily25 · 27/01/2026 12:53

I know when you feel deeply for someone that its easy to overlook their behaviour or to try and explain it away. The thing is that he felt it appropriate to lash out at me for trying to be his friend - not the person who is causing him this issue. He is contacting me again, I feel, as he has lost a confidant and someone to lean on rather than me as a person. He may be content to allow someone to mistreat him but Im not. Ive had bad relationships in my youth and am well aware of how confusing and painful it is but I never once blamed my friends for being honest.

But bluntly, you've allowed him to mistreat you for years in a subtler way, by treating you like a human support animal/or a Samaritans listener. And I think part of your anger now is frustration with yourself for allowing that.

I mean, we've all done it at some point. I've just tried to take from it the lesson not to ever allow a similar situation to develop.

Original poster
summerily25 · 27/01/2026 13:01

Incalescent · 27/01/2026 12:57

But bluntly, you've allowed him to mistreat you for years in a subtler way, by treating you like a human support animal/or a Samaritans listener. And I think part of your anger now is frustration with yourself for allowing that.

I mean, we've all done it at some point. I've just tried to take from it the lesson not to ever allow a similar situation to develop.

Show quote history

I never viewed him as using me - at that time anyway - as I felt he was a friend who was struggling in one particular area of his life. Of our group Im seen as a person who you can chat to, same as my other friend who is super practical and re-wired another friends house, or the medical person who can stitch up a cut or the finance friend who is great for financial advice. We all play to our strengths and help each other. It has most definitely stopped me wanting to help him though.

OP posts:
Beatriz85 · 27/01/2026 13:05

Incalescent · 27/01/2026 12:57

But bluntly, you've allowed him to mistreat you for years in a subtler way, by treating you like a human support animal/or a Samaritans listener. And I think part of your anger now is frustration with yourself for allowing that.

I mean, we've all done it at some point. I've just tried to take from it the lesson not to ever allow a similar situation to develop.

Show quote history

I think thats harsh, listening to your friend or offering a shoulder to cry on is normal human behaviour.

What would you have done? Friend comes to you because they are upset about a relationship breakdown for example, and do you say "stop right there - im not listening as im not a therapist"

godmum56 · 27/01/2026 13:18

Boomer55 · 27/01/2026 12:23

I would really stay less invested in the relationships of friends.

This.

jbm16 · 27/01/2026 13:19

It's difficult one, if you had told him in the past and didn't listen I would have given up at that point, and let him make own mistakes, he's a grown adult.

Is he hurt from the relationship, perhaps your comments poked a few wounds? Either way sounds like you have made the right decision for yourself.

Original poster
summerily25 · 27/01/2026 13:30

jbm16 · 27/01/2026 13:19

It's difficult one, if you had told him in the past and didn't listen I would have given up at that point, and let him make own mistakes, he's a grown adult.

Is he hurt from the relationship, perhaps your comments poked a few wounds? Either way sounds like you have made the right decision for yourself.

I have always told him I was concerned about him in that relationship. that has been a theme throughout however I never wanted him to feel that he had no one to chat to. He most definitely is hurt from the relationship and once confided when drunk that he knows she is bad for him however drunk J and sober J are 2 different people. When we met the other night he had wanted to meet in my house for coffee which is usually fine however I could tell by his voice that there had been problems again and so I purposely suggested a local bistro as my DC were around (unusually) that evening and I didnt want anyone overhearing or interuppting.

I also knew that if he said he had left her again that I was going to be so direct with him. Ive counted via texts and he has left her over 9 times since they started - its a chaotic relationship but he seems unable to leave it. I could have accepted him being upset at my opinion, albeit its not the first time he has heard it, but wont I wont accept is the aggression.

Strangely another of our friend group L, has called asking if Ive heard from J as he has been blowing up her phone asking to meet. I just said I hadnt heard much but that I was keeping my distance. L immediately responded to say, "no doubt its about that hellish relationship he is in with that user woman!". I just said id keep my own counsel but would be keeping my distance from J for a bit at least. I can tell you if he thinks Im direct, if he told L a quarter of what he has told me then he would see what direct was! she is forthright to the point of brutal at times.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 27/01/2026 13:30

How you are feeling now is obviously a culmination of frustration with and anger at your friend. However, I do feel you overstepped by being so outspoken about his on-again off-again partner - it’s not really any of your business.
When he talks about her you should ask him to stop - create a boundary. He knows you think she isn’t single, so you don’t want to hear about their relationship. End of.

AnnieLummox · 27/01/2026 13:57

I honestly cant look at him the same. Ive told him that im so angry and upset that after listening for over 4 years and trying to understand that his attitude is to attack me when Im honest with him.

This sounds a bit drama queeny, frankly. You haven’t found out he’s been drowning puppies - he lashed out because he’s upset.

I suppose at least you’ve given him something to worry about instead of this woman…

Original poster
summerily25 · 27/01/2026 13:58

Swiftie1878 · 27/01/2026 13:30

How you are feeling now is obviously a culmination of frustration with and anger at your friend. However, I do feel you overstepped by being so outspoken about his on-again off-again partner - it’s not really any of your business.
When he talks about her you should ask him to stop - create a boundary. He knows you think she isn’t single, so you don’t want to hear about their relationship. End of.

im not inclined to speak to him going forward so that might take care of itself

OP posts:
Original poster
summerily25 · 27/01/2026 13:59

AnnieLummox · 27/01/2026 13:57

I honestly cant look at him the same. Ive told him that im so angry and upset that after listening for over 4 years and trying to understand that his attitude is to attack me when Im honest with him.

This sounds a bit drama queeny, frankly. You haven’t found out he’s been drowning puppies - he lashed out because he’s upset.

I suppose at least you’ve given him something to worry about instead of this woman…

Im upset as he was aggressive. Im not a child annoyed at someone having a different opinion. And if he is worried about me - well good - he should be. I was a good friend to him and he has ruined that for himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerily25 · 27/01/2026 14:10

Swiftie1878 · 27/01/2026 13:30

How you are feeling now is obviously a culmination of frustration with and anger at your friend. However, I do feel you overstepped by being so outspoken about his on-again off-again partner - it’s not really any of your business.
When he talks about her you should ask him to stop - create a boundary. He knows you think she isn’t single, so you don’t want to hear about their relationship. End of.

I have tried to steer the conversation away from this topic numerous times but he is generally upset and always wants to talk it through. I just dont think I can chat to him at all, not for a while at least

OP posts:
AnnieLummox · 27/01/2026 14:11

summerily25 · 27/01/2026 13:59

Im upset as he was aggressive. Im not a child annoyed at someone having a different opinion. And if he is worried about me - well good - he should be. I was a good friend to him and he has ruined that for himself.

Show quote history

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind then.

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