To have not told my mum about a job interview beforehand

[greensweatshirt]

I'm 26 and I had a job interview today. I live in my own house but I've come to my mum's house for dinner tonight. I took the day off work for the interview and told her about the interview when I arrived at her house. She's said she's very hurt that I didn't tell her beforehand and got visibly upset. She said no matter what I say, it will hurt. AIBU to have not told her before the interview?

Your mums being a bit ott and sensitive imo

I only ever told my parents if I got the job not every time I had an interview. Your mother is being ridiculous!

I never told my mum about interviews. I told her if I got the job! My main reason was that it would open up a line of questions that I really didn't want to get into with her, especially as it would all be pointless if I was unsuccessful.

You're an adult. You do not have to tell your mother EVERYTHING.

I have a 27yr old DC who does not live at home and if they did not tell me about an interview I would be so upset.

Only kidding, it would not cross my mind to be upset, only interested in the interview. Is your mum usually this emotionally manipulative?

She is clearly being over-dramatic. Is she normally like this?

It's none of her business whether you have had ann interview or not. Odd behaviour.

Your mum is being very unreasonable, and totally ridiculous.

YANBU! I wouldn't expect my young adult DD to tell me about an interview unless she wanted to? I would be excited for her when she told me and ask how it went.

Your mum's reaction strange. Does she usually need to be told/involved in everything?

Are you usually close? Just assume she’s due on and is a bit emotional today 😂😂

yanbu, unless you told others close to you and left her out? Or have done so before, then maybe that would explain the crying

She can tend to react like this, equating being my mum and loving me with (to my mind) being overly intrusive. That's the reason I didn't tell her in the first place, because I'm not used to being allowed a life separate from her. So I second guess myself and wonder if I'm being unreasonable. She's now acting a bit hurt with me.

I find that telling people in advance brings a lot of pressure. Your mum is being unreasonable, sorry.

She’s being a bit silly. She might have a point if you are 16 but…. She’s over reacting.

You are definitely allowed a life separate from her. In fact, that would be the healthiest thing for everyone.

Maybe read a little on enmeshment and see if any of it resonates. Especially as she is now covertly letting you know you 'did something wrong' (in her eyes) and training you not to upset her again by not telling her everything. In fact, perhaps you have been in training all your life for it.

She’s being entirely ridiculous, don’t entertain such nonsense, it will just validate her feeling that she is entitled to be hurt.

People who don’t allow others to have boundaries are usually very manipulative at imposing this desire.

Train her in that you won’t be meeting these needs for her one issue at a time. It will take a while but she will get it eventually.

We have one in our family. We refuse to meet her expectations and put distance in while she pouts. The dynamics have improved enormously once she started to have to pay an emotional cost for her behaviour. We used to try to appease her, that didn’t remotely work in the longer term. This change in relating to her has been much much better.

She's being daft. I only tell people after the offer.
Nobody needs to know I'm unhappy at work and looking elsewhere. I don't want to deal with other people's disappointment if I don't get the job.
Good luck

She needs to cop onto herself. You’re an adult living your own life and she should be living hers and not overly invested in yours.
(This is from a 60yr old grandma.)

I love hearing about adult DC’s success but I wouldn’t expect them to keep me updated on every little thing going on with their lives. That’s far too intrusive.

Maybe you need to stop telling her too much going forward and let her get used to not knowing every aspect of your life? It’s not really healthy for either of you as you could start feeling anxious about making major decisions on your own without running it past her and you don’t really need to do that.

She sounds as if she is struggling a bit with " empty nest syndrome".
Mums can feel a bit redundant when children leave home and do lots of interesting stuff on their own, even though they know it's a good thing for their children to be independant!
Maybe she had a parental role where she always used to double check your major life choices when you lived at home?
Maybe not having that role has left a bit of a gap in her own life?
She is being a bit mardy though getting visibly upset, and I can see why you would lose patience with that.
Perhaps she just needs to adjust to her new role as a parent of a grown up child?

What a weird thing for your mum to say! How did she say it?! Like in a light jokey way or in a genuinely annoyed way?

Is she a narcissist? Does she feel the world revolves around her?

How old are you? Maybe she's not quite got used to you being an adult yet if you're young.

I haven't told my parents about every single job I've ever applied for. Not because I'm ashamed or it's a sneaky secret but just because it's on a need to know basis and no one needs to know until there's a decision to be made by me.

Ask her why it's bothered her so much. That might be fairly telling. Hope it went well by the way!

I would never tell my parents about a job interview. Unless it is about to transpire that your mum is, or was, senior in the field you are trying to break into and could have actually helped with interview technique and expectations, there is no reason to do this.

My DH tells his parents everything including jobs for which I am applying and when I get, and fail, interviews. My sector is in a mess at the moment with jobs at risk and I am well aware that mine will most likely go within a year. I'm in that situation though of being quite high-level and uniquely qualified so either, I apply for a new field where I know I'm up against people with closer experience, or, the occasional job will come up in my area and I'll be completing against 10 of my closest colleagues and peers. So far, I am well aware why I haven't been successful in the interviews I've attended but PiLs keep going on about me being a failure. That's when they are not berating me for even looking for another job - apparently I need to show loyalty to by current organisation and then I'll definitely be safe when the axe falls. They also tell other people in the family so I end up with pressure from everyone everytime I send in an application. I would much rather DH didn't tell them anything at all.

My dad always goes on about my sister's unique talent in being hired for every job for which she's ever applied. She's apparently never received a rejection in her life, has always been invited to interview, and always secured the job. Obviously he just doesn't know about the countless applications and interviews which led to nothing because she's extremely selective about what she tells them.

Back to the point at hand though. I agree it sounds like your mum is struggling with empty nest syndrome and although I sympathise, she needs to understand that there's no need for her to know about every aspect of your life.

That’s crazy OP! I never tell about job interviews, only if I actually get a job. At the most I might vaguely mention I’ve had a couple interviews or so. Your mum is completely unreasonable.

I never told my Mum what my job was, when I went for exams, interviews etc. The reason was that she wasn't really interested and someone else, or another relative had a better position than me.

What an odd reaction, are you the first child to leave home?

My adult children sometimes tell me this stuff, sometimes not depending on whether it comes up in conversation unless its a role for which I can give them some advice/practice interviewing.

I've got a mother like this... I am in my mid 50s. She doesn't know that she is frequently on an information diet.

I can't think of a single reason why you would tell your mother in advance or at all. I mean, obviously, it's an option, but as you are a competent adult then it's just not something you need to discuss with her. It's your life, not hers.

I'm the same - the fewer people who know, the better. If things don't work out, I don't want the additional stress of having to tell people I didn't do so well.

I've just applied for a job, only my husband and my best friend know. My parents don't need to know anything unless I get it. And even then, it'll be for their information, not because it will have any impact on them!