To have not told my mum about a job interview beforehand

[greensweatshirt]

I'm 26 and I had a job interview today. I live in my own house but I've come to my mum's house for dinner tonight. I took the day off work for the interview and told her about the interview when I arrived at her house. She's said she's very hurt that I didn't tell her beforehand and got visibly upset. She said no matter what I say, it will hurt. AIBU to have not told her before the interview?

Your mother sounds manipulative, controlling, batshit and a bit unhinged.

Of course its ok to tell her after the event.
Not normal at all.

So she “punishing” you for your transgression. I’d be asking her why she feels she needs or is entitled to every minute detail of your life. Then remind her it’s not your job to be the keeper of how she feels. If she feels hurt, that’s fine, but its not your problem she can’t regulate herself like a grown adult. It’s like people who say they are offended. So what? My cussing/dark joke offends you, that’s your problem, not mine. It’s all subjective, and usually designed to restrict or control another’s actions. The fact she gave birth to you does not give her an eternal right to your private life and everyday minutiae. She sounds suffocating and controlling.

Cmon OP, your mum is out of line.

YANBU.

I find your mum's behaviour quite disturbing, actually. She sounds like she is trying to control you.

Does being successful impact on her in some way ? Will you have to move a considerable distance?
If no to both then your mother is being a bit odd. Have you asked her why she is so upset about it; assuming the reason is not obvious as in you moving away.

However you handle this really will dictate the rest of your life with her. You need firm boundaries. I’d have told her straight that she was being ridiculous and making me concerned she was unwell, as you’re an adult living your own life and she doesn’t get to have your day to day goings on explained to her.

I don't think I could say this to her. The way she was behaving, part of me wanted to apologise to her, even though I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. I managed not to say sorry but I didn't say anything really. It was at the beginning of our evening having dinner together so I didn't want to antagonise things further

My DM died before I was your age, but I would not have tolerated this. And DH learned not to tell PIL about job interviews.

This is going to be an issue unless you stand firm. She is entitled to her feelings, but you are entitled to yours. I think you’re going to have to practise some brisk phrases such as ‘well, that’s how I want to do things. Now let’s talk about something else’, while smiling. Basically you’re going to have to train her not to expect to know everything about your life.

I would have gone further and said that while she’s saying she’s hurt, you’re upset by this level of interest in your life.

She doesn’t get to be the only one with feelings.

PS when you have a partner/spouse you might have a battle on your hands if you don’t deal with this soon. I couldn’t deal with a MIL who wanted to know every detail of mine and/or DH’s lives. That would drive me mad.

I think then “on your own head be it.”

Think about the adult life you want to have, partners, kids, jobs, holidays, hobbies… anything at all. And imagine how exhausting it is going to be if you are required to call your mum before any activity or event or anything at all, to let her know about it because if you see her for lunch and mention all the things you’ve been up to… she will have a childish tantrum that you didn’t tell her before. Imagine trying to raise your one kids your way, with a parent as your own family unit, and having your mum behave like this.

It’s exhausting, it will ruin your relationship with her, and it will quite possible interfere in any other relationship you have because she feels entitled to access to your whole life.

Or, you can set the boundaries now and be firm and let her get used to it.

I’m talking from experience here.

The way she was behaving, part of me wanted to apologise to her, even though I didn't think I'd done anything wrong

Is that part of a general pattern in your relationship? You do something totally normal and reasonable that isn't really anything to do with her, she gets all upset and offended, and you end up feeling guilty even though you've done nothing wrong?

Honestly, you're a grown adult; of course you don't have to tell your mum about a job interview and your mum is being really weird and manipulative.

How did she react when you moved out?

I think I mate feel more strongly about this than most people so I apologise if tak post came across as lecturing.

I have parents like this. There was a point when they actually hired a private investigator to follow me around for a few weeks. I had no idea obviously but they sat me down and lectured me for not telling them I was dating someone (I was 22 and didn’t live at home). I wondered how they knew I’d been on 3 days with some random guy, and they admitted to having an investigator follow me because I had stopped telling them everything about my life when I moved out and they were very concerned something was wrong etc.

My parents are deeply insane. It clouds my answers when other people talk about their parents doing anything close to this weird controlling behaviour!

I’ve got a daughter the same age as you and I would understand if she didn’t tell me about a job interview. This is about more than you not telling her about the interview. Once she’s calmed down, maybe try and find out what’s upsetting her.

Your mother is being pathetic.

I’m mid 50s and have an interview this week. Not telling dad because he will stress about it. I think you need some boundaries OP.

Telling people in advance just increases the pressure... especially if your family are the type of people who tell EVERYONE what you're up to, and then you have weeks of people going, "Did you get that job that you went for?"

I have an interview on Thursday. My family do not know for the above reason!

Good luck, OP!

I’d just say, I’m telling you now it’s not a big deal. I wouldn’t indulge her in it. If you ignore it hopefully she will give up trying to get a reaction

YANBU I have a DD in her 20's and I only know she is job hunting because she lives at home and wants to discuss it. You are entitled to a private life and parents don't need to know everything. If you are wary of your Mum's reaction to minor things such as a job interview then I suggest that you read up on controlling parents and start putting in a few gentle barriers. Don't fall in the trap of trying to placate your Mum all the time. Good luck.

Is your mum normally OTT about things?

Is she maybe struggling herself?

This, manipulative and controlling.

I'd tell her you'll leave if she doesn't cop on and give her head a wobble.

Blimey @AgentCooperdreamsofTibet your DH is lucky you haven’t put HIM on an information diet with all that crap from your PIL - I would HATE that.

Oh OP, I feel for you. My mum is just like this!

• went ballistic when she found out that I’d had travel injections for a trip aged 23 (she knew about the trip)
• went ballistic when I got contact lenses aged 19-20 (with my own money) because she ‘didn’t believe I was that blind’.
• cried all day at work and was in bed in tears when I went for/came back from a Cambridge Uni interview because she ‘knew’ I’d deliberately fail it, aged 18
• told people I’d moved and not told her where aged 24, despite having my address written down on a piece of paper
• told people I’d not told her when my 20-week scan would be, despite my DH having told her exactly when in front of me and my dad (I remember because by that point - I was 31 - I was putting her on an information diet, to use a PP’s phrase, and content with telling her ‘it’s at the start of June’ and updating her with the result afterwards).

In my mum’s case, I think it’s very much linked to low self esteem and a kind of associated need to have control, and if she can’t have control then she acts out (e.g. telling my family lies about me).

Huge sympathies to you, having a parent like this is not easy and i’m guessing there’s a lot more like this in your past. Recognising it is the first step. The Emotionally Immature Parents thread on here might be great support for you x

Read this OP, it might help you.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/

I would drop her a line - easier than saying it:
Hi Mum,
Thinking about what you said, I am baffled that you are hurt that I did not tell you in advance about my interview. 'Being hurt' is not an appropriate reaction.
In future, I will take care not to tell you about such things at all until they are finalised.
love, gss
When she does her nut at that, say, 'Perhaps some counselling would help.'
Because I let mine get away with this sort of thing, we ended up 'no contact'.