Stalking vs harassment- please help

[datcherygrateful]

I dated a man for 6 months last year. The relationship ended because he was emotionally unavailable., but I ended things in the summer and explicitly asked for no further contact.

Despite this, he continued to message, call (including from different numbers), and left a gift at my home after I had clearly asked him not to. I reiterated my boundary several times and eventually warned him I would go to the police if it continued.

In October, I contacted the police. They spoke to him and gave him words of advice to stop contacting me. There was no contact for several months after that.

Last week, I returned home to find a box left by my car with a note addressed to a pet name he used for me. Inside were gifts, books (including religious/spiritual material), and copies of a book I had written, opened to specific passages about love and loss. The note said that having these items around stopped him from moving on because his feelings for me were growing stronger.

I did not consent to any contact, and finding this at my home after previous police involvement caused me distress.

I went back to the police. They told me that at this stage the options are either:
• make a formal statement, which would likely lead to arrest/interview and a CPS decision, or
• take no further action at this time

They also briefly mentioned the possibility of a civil route (e.g. non-molestation order), but said criminal was the main option they could pursue.

I’m struggling with the decision. My goal is for the contact to stop completely, with minimal escalation as in my head it’s lose lose, I’m always hyper vigilant. He knows where I work too. I don’t want revenge or punishment, but I also don’t want this to continue or worsen.

I’d really appreciate experiences and advice on what actually worked to make the behaviour stop, and what the real-world consequences were.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I work in criminal law and any charge would be down to Police and CPS - you don't need to decide 'stalking vs harassment'. I wouldn't hesitate to pursue charges though. He will continue. Police can also refer you for practical support to help keep yourself safe. X

I should add, that I have also been a victim. Initially, they continued from prison. Fixated people make a hobby out of it.

I would explore a non molestation order while continuing with the police.

You’ve expressed your boundaries, the police have already spoken to him yet he’s continuing to contact you after this. Absolutely pursue charges. My cousin went through this, it went on for years, she was a mess. Don’t take any chances.

The UK has a stalking helpline, contact them for advice, link below.

https://www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

Do not feel sorry for this man. He is not grieving the loss of your relationship, he is trying to gain control. I won't frighten you with statistics but please take this very seriously. Make sure your home security is optimised, get cameras if you need to. Let family and friends know what is happening. Never open your door to this man. Keep a written record of all his attempts to contact you. Take care.

The only option now is the police one. He is testing the waters and pushing a boundary to see if he can continue any form of contact.

Don’t hesitate, he has clearly ignored the suitable words of advice given previously.

Make a formal statement to the police, setting out exactly what he's done since you ended things. Then it is out of your hands. The police will take it from there, and it will be their decision, not yours, whether they arrest/interview/charge etc. You don't need to give it any further thought, other than taking police advice on how to secure your own safety.

Yeah it's not you choosing what you call it. You give the evidence and your side of what's happened to the police and then the CPS decide if it meets threshold for any crime/s. Be it stalking, harassment etc.

I'd do that if I were you. He hasn't stopped despite the 'chat' with the police. It may be they don't deem it enough to go to court but they could definitely arrest.

I was stalked by an ex for a few years. Its an awful experience. It's very unnerving when they keep going, even when you've made yourself perfectly clear.

Don't panic tho, u got this. If I were you I would start with the basics. Don't answer any unknown calls and avoid all contact by any means. Be aware of the people/routes he could contact you through also and tighten up on those also. Be mindful of your personal safety and keep doors/windows locked at all times and do call the guards every time something happens. Don't wait. With any luck if he finds it too hard to get in contact with you he will lose interest. Don't be slow to get a restraining order though if you need to, stalker types often keep going with this kind of behaviour until someone stops them unfortunately. Be aware too that any contact with him will fuel it, even if it is to set boundaries, explain etc

Don’t leave this. It will only get worse.
Make a statement at the same time as securing a non-molestation order.

Thank you everyone. My biggest fear is that an arrest will piss him off and it'll escalate.

Do you have a video door bell or any cctv?
if not get one. Should he continue to attend your address, which he hopefully won’t, you’ll have evidence he has been there.
don’t engage with any phone calls or messages/emails etc and report all unwanted contact. I’d definitely engage with the police he has ignored their polite word to leave you alone. It’s him that’s escalated this NOT you.

It will escalate even if you don’t move forward with the police, but then you’ll be more exposed as no-one will be watching.

I would make a statement to the police. This has already escalated - he was told by police not to contact you again and he has. Focus on protecting yourself.

I have a ring peephole camera but I live in a flat so I cant put an external camera unless I clear it with management. Ive not heard back from them. I'll press for it. Can the police do anything to help people who are being harassed? they've not really said anything aside from more frequent patrolling of area

The other problem I have is that he has his own business which is a property maintenance one, he deals with rentals etc, which means he has clients on my estate. I havent seen him out and about but I always look over my shoulder and flinch when I spot his make of car or van

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it

Yes, I was terrified of that also. That it would make things worse. I can't be totally sure if all the stalkers behave the same but I'm my case he didn't retaliate after getting him arrested. In fact he continued with his behaviour after getting arrested, like nothing had changed. It's like he couldn't stop. It was hard at the time but I kept ringing the guards every time and eventually the message got through to him. I know it's scary but you do have to act in these cases unfortunately. It doesn't stop otherwise

What @Eifla2o18 said. It will not resolve itself. The police initially spoke to him to give him a harassment warning. That means if he makes further contact it’s easier to show he knew he shouldn’t and easier to prosecute. Everything has been set up for the next step which is to give a witness statement. If you don’t pursue this it will escalate and without wishing to alarm you men like this can end up doing really deranged things. Wising it away will not stop it. You have no choice but to pursue it. I have also, sadly, due to my work been stalked and threatened. It went on for months by someone mentally unwell. It took two prosecutions a prison sentence and a mental health order to resolve it. Nip it in the bud now. I at sorry you’re going through this but if you don’t support a prosecution there is little hope he will end this of his own accord. A civil non-molestation order is not as effective in my view as an arrest and police contract for him which should scare him.

It's great that you live in a flat and have neighbors. I wouldn't be slow to move either if you need to and are in a position to. If you aren't long renting there and his behaviour is still continuing it might be worth it. That said, I didn't move in my case, I stayed put. It worked out fine... eventually (4 years!!). It became less frequent over time though

Thank you, I don't know if I should say something to them, because I live on teh first floor, and they have a tendency to leave the main door to the building on teh latch or unlocked. Also, I am not renting, my flat is mortgaged, and my safe space, until recently. I hate the idea that this man is so selfish to think of himself over how his actions are making me feel, and the things I have to put in place so I can feel safe. It infuriates me and it is distressing.

He has already escalated from messages to leaving the box for you. He won’t stop. Stalking is Fixated, obsessive, unwanted, repeated which this is.

Please do a statement and do what you can to safeguard yourself.

Agree with all other posts. If you don't have a doorbell camera, get one. At least this way you can see and record whenever he is around. You can get non-subscription ones that record onto a memory card so you don't have monthly charges. I'd also get one for the car. Evidence is key.

pursue the police report. At least that gets it on record. If he’s laid low for a while and now is back to see what happens, he’s not going to go away easily.

think about it:

you broke up
he showed behaviour so worrying you went to the police
the police agreed and warned him off
he kept your stuff for all that time rather than throw it out and move on
he laid low for what he considered “long enough”
now he’s back and plain as day he’s obsessing over you
you’re worried enough to have been back to the police

you’re not dealing with someone you can reason with, you have to be self defensive.

Ya, I was in a similar position. I considered telling my neighbours also. With me, I didn't in the end. I was nearly embarrassed that I was dealing with it at all! Silly I know. It is their behaviour and looking back, I don't even know if they have the capacity to feel bad for the person whos experiencing it. We were/are dealing with someone who is mentally unwell really. Do you have a management agency at your apartment block by any chance? If they have security cameras at the entrance, maybe they could keep an eye out for him. If they have a security guard/alarm business who monitors the camera, even better. You could tell them and they might respond if he calls!