Stalking vs harassment- please help

[datcherygrateful]

I dated a man for 6 months last year. The relationship ended because he was emotionally unavailable., but I ended things in the summer and explicitly asked for no further contact.

Despite this, he continued to message, call (including from different numbers), and left a gift at my home after I had clearly asked him not to. I reiterated my boundary several times and eventually warned him I would go to the police if it continued.

In October, I contacted the police. They spoke to him and gave him words of advice to stop contacting me. There was no contact for several months after that.

Last week, I returned home to find a box left by my car with a note addressed to a pet name he used for me. Inside were gifts, books (including religious/spiritual material), and copies of a book I had written, opened to specific passages about love and loss. The note said that having these items around stopped him from moving on because his feelings for me were growing stronger.

I did not consent to any contact, and finding this at my home after previous police involvement caused me distress.

I went back to the police. They told me that at this stage the options are either:
• make a formal statement, which would likely lead to arrest/interview and a CPS decision, or
• take no further action at this time

They also briefly mentioned the possibility of a civil route (e.g. non-molestation order), but said criminal was the main option they could pursue.

I’m struggling with the decision. My goal is for the contact to stop completely, with minimal escalation as in my head it’s lose lose, I’m always hyper vigilant. He knows where I work too. I don’t want revenge or punishment, but I also don’t want this to continue or worsen.

I’d really appreciate experiences and advice on what actually worked to make the behaviour stop, and what the real-world consequences were.

Congrats on getting your own place also!! It still is your safe place and will feel like that again soon 💪😁

Please also check your car for any tracking devices. It does happen.

What a headcase. Emotionally unavailable throughout the actual relationship and then a stalker when it’s over.
How do some people’s minds work?
Sorry you’re going through this, OP.

Your actions don’t teally affect him, though. He chooses how he responds. Don’t take on this extra burden if trying to game it out. Go to the police snd escalate it legally. He has shown that he won’t stop with just a caution.

If you do nothing, he won't see any consequences so will likely escalate. He's ALREADY ignoring the legal implications. You will then still be in the same position as now. Except you haven't progressed as far down the line to prevent it by legal means.

If you do something he may escalate but you have already taken steps to take matters further.

Take option B. It is safer in the long term. In the short term it may seem scarier or more serious. The point is here is rhe issue that you've told him to stop and despite a warning from the police he has continued. This means he WILL continue until you take the nuclear route.

Given that this type of behaviour can become dangerous you need to be taking this really seriously.

OP, 3 things that I would find concerning are -

He's already had a visit from the police and that hasn't stopped him

His statement that his feelings for you are growing stronger

That this has continued for quite a long time showing that his propensity for harassing you is persistent.

I think at this stage, I'd be making a formal statement. He's had plenty of warning and yet he persists. If you don't take action now, he's likely to continue.

Exactly that and saying his feelings are growing. Police can help if needed and it escalates with panic alarms, intruder sensors, GPS alarms etc

I have been stalked- his original target was my mum, but after she died he transferred to me. The police say earlier intervention may have stopped him before he got 'fixated' but my mum always just hoped he would stop by himself. It has been terrifying. I urge you to get extra support from one of the relevant charities(if you can get through- phone lines always busy!) eg paladin, support action through the police -and although it's embarrassing going to court.

Please ensure your workplace knows they cannot publish your name/photo etc (used to be called section 10 under the old Data protection Act) - the police will give you a note for your employers if helpful, which you can keep for future employers too.

I just noticed this bit now..

"The note said that having these items around stopped him from moving on because his feelings for me were growing stronger"

Did the gift include your items he was giving back? If so, there could be a chance that if you don't respond, he might stop. Like, if he thought leaving the gift was a way to give your things back to you and to try again one more time while he was at it... That said, I would go with your own instincts on this, our gut feeling usually has a way of telling us what we need to know! Sorry you're going through this

It is very interesting to read about how we are all a bit wary of telling neighbours. I had the same thing but eventually decided that I needed to because he had a habit of turning up at night and my dog would bark. He also tried to befriend people I knew and minimise their image of him as a "stranger" lurking about my house. We need to be putting the shame firmly back onto these men. Do talk to people who live near you and let them know, that is what community is for. It isn't fearmongering.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

Stalking and Harassment are defined as a course of conduct that is unwanted and causes distress or alarm. The action has to have happened more than once, and a case is strengthened by the victim having asked the stalking/harassing party to stop.

Clearly this man has by any definition crossed the boundary of the definitions, whichever one you choose, by a country mile.

The police should be stepping in, and really a court order needs to be put in place, which if he breaks leads to a penalty.

He's already escalating.
The dude took the time to buy a bunch of books and highlight a bunch of stuff in them. He's batshit mental. The only thing that stops this is strength. Full force. Tell the police to go all in and not pull any punches.

Alternatively, move away and change jobs.

If it ended up with court order he would have to let those customers go - he has brought any troubles he experiences to his own door.

Interesting conversation when he has to explain to his customers why he has to let them go

Quite agree its alarming escalation, he's not just trying to reach out in a false belief the relationship can be re-built, but rather he is consumed by his obsession to the point of spending considerable time on it - disturbing.

So they/their landlords don't have checkatrade.com?

It's a non issue.

The fact that he commented on his feelings growing stronger means that this needs pursuing with the police.

And the book open on pages... he would have spent HOURS doing that!

Utterly 100% creepy.

All he had to do was put the stuff in the bin.

Get the police to caution him as it's the only way he will get the message.

How does checkatrade come into it?

I’d get a ring camera / other security and see if the contact stops now he has dropped this stuff off, but any further contact i’d make a formal report

If it does, he’ll be in a lot more trouble and it will be taken very seriously. If he continues to harass you after his arrest, he’s less likely to be bailed if they arrest him again.

None of them were mine to begin with, he said they were gifts he wanted to give me but never had the chance

Does anyone know anything about Stalking Protection Orders?
the guy reached out again last night. The police officers I spoke to seem unaware of this option and said they’d come back to me

Here's the government guidance:

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/stalking-protection-act-statutory-guidance-for-the-police/stalking-protection-orders-statutory-guidance-for-the-police-accessible-version

Obviously report last night to the police, Depending on what he said last night I would be tempted to reply to the guy and re-iterate that you do not want to hear from him and that you have reported the matter to the police.

Being really clear on "leave me alone" strengthens the case as it proves any further contact is clearly in the realms of stalking/harassment.

I would also vociferously chase this with the police, they should be paying him a visit.

Definitely don’t reply, even to say leave me alone. It doesn’t strengthen the case. Ceasing all contact and being the one to do so is a point of law in harassment cases. Plus, any response at all is rewarding for him,

Could you describe his psychological portrait? Age ? If he is a sociopath/ psychopath , the best course of action would be to create a maximum distance between you too. Document everything and let your family/ friends know what’s happening.