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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

am I? what do you think?

62 replies

colnelcustard · 13/06/2008 18:30

My DD hasn?t slept through since birth. Although I don?t get up to feed her I get woken up every night either by my DD or by my partner. After this I find it very hard to sleep which usually equates to 5 to 6 hours sleep per night. I have to get up at 6pm because my partner works in the evenings so I rush to work in time to start at 8am. My day is then full of managing a team of 8 people (6 of who resent me absolutely as I am there manager) as well as managing the expectations of my manager. I have to put the time in to cover the work that the 6 simply don?t do or face up to the fact that I can?t perform in my role. Along with people management the rest of my day is spent designing conceptual object structures for various computer systems and going to meetings. Both of which involve a lot of thinking and are nigh on impossible while being completely spent every day. At the end of a fun day at the office I have to either walk out of the meeting I am in, destroying any credibility I have in the company, or slope off while my happy team work on. I then get to drive ,completely over the speed limit, in order to get home in 45 minutes so my partner can leave for work. When I get home I get to deal with my youngest daughter usually screaming and the mess that the eldest two have invariably created. I then have to deal with at least an hour of my youngest following me around screaming unless of course I carry her for an hour. After which I put her to bed. Although not obviously late enough for my partners liking. Then I get to deal with my eldest daughter who will not go to bed without a fight ever. I then get to do homework with my stepson after which if I?m really lucky I get to spend 45 minutes doing nothing, unless of course I make dinner or decide to turn all the plug sockets off around the house that have been left on or clean the kitchen or wipe the toilet seat clean (as no-one else seems able) or make dinner or do some diy. Then my partner gets home and we eat by which time I have usually had enough of life and just want to vegetate in-front of the TV. I do not get to spend any quality time with my children during the week as I?m t tired yet my partner does every day, somehow she feels that our tasks are comparable. I don?t see how working in a stressful job with people that hate you is comparable to watching your children grow up or playing with them. At the weekend I invariably try and sleep in which is usually impossible due to the drama that is the rest of the house getting up. Plus I usually feel guilty because I know my partner is tired from all the getting up in the night. I do sometimes manage to get a sliver of life back by playing computer games at the weekend but this is usually short lived for the same reasons as trying to sleep in. I have found out that my partner thinks I?m a liar and the reason for her miserable sleeping patterns. I have discovered that she would rather share her feelings with a bunch of stranger than with me and conveys such a hateful streak towards me that I?m surprised she doesn?t just up and leave. To top it all I?ve had hypertension for the past 4 years and am meant to be avoiding stress. I am however planning on getting my own back when I have a stroke and need to be sponge bathed every night.

OP posts:
ontheup · 13/06/2008 18:45

Gulp

Cynthia32 · 13/06/2008 18:47

sorry wish i could help but opened this, went and went to lie down for a few minutes

sarah293 · 13/06/2008 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AlistairSim · 13/06/2008 18:48

DP?

Is that you?

TheFallenMadonna · 13/06/2008 18:51

Paragraphs!!!

EustaciaVye · 13/06/2008 18:56

Gosh, that was hard to read.

Life can be hard. Work out what you can change and take cation. Work out what cant be changed and learn to live with it.

WillburyNibbleQC · 13/06/2008 18:56

It sounds like your job is beyond your capabilities, tbh.

Consider a career change, as you sound very threatened by the people you are supposed to manage.

Is your speech in RL as heavily laden with sarcasm as your OP?

If so, I expect your partner finds that quite draining. Perhaps this is why she finds it comforting to share her feelings with people other than you?

Obviously you need to have a conversation with her about how unhappy you are, but TBH your home life sounds fairly typical of lots of people who have small children.

It is hard work.

But your hatred of your job sounds like the main issue to me, and I expect this is impacting on your feelings about the rest of your life.

swiftyknickers · 13/06/2008 18:58

wowzer

you sound depressed-maybe a sponge bath will cheer you up?

lardybump · 13/06/2008 18:58

Prehaps your youngest is following you around because she loves her daddy and hasn't seen him all day.

bubblagirl · 13/06/2008 19:02

i feel for you i really do ds is 3 and has not slept through the night although we know why but it is very tiring and it really does take it out of you

you really need to help in night though as normall yif other parent goes in dc settles as it becomes routine to have the one fussing over

your not sleeping anyway so just help out little bit

you may find the stress levels go down slightly

you have explained that you have yougerst one following you around for an hour try that all day with having other children to look after then clean the home to your standards it doesnt work

i think you both have resentment and not enough respect for what you each do

dont pick support being at home with no adult company is tough all day you canrt pee in peace eat in peace think in peace you at least at work have the demands of adults that know what they want you can pee alone and drink coffee in peace on your lunch break

give each other a break and respect the work she does and in return you also will get respect it sounds like she has it tough too getting up through night demanding kids through day working of an evening

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 13/06/2008 19:03

Hmm.... do I have the wrong end of the stick or have you found your partners posts on MN and you're typing one of your own to get your point across and/or revenge on her for letting off steam to anonymous strangers?

WinkyWinkola · 13/06/2008 19:06

It sounds like your job is really tough and very demanding. Is there any way you can try to make your relationships at work more positive - get your team onside? They can't possibly all hate you. There must be ways of getting them to do some work that you feel they're not performing. Do they have evaluations at work? Set out clear boundaries and expectations for them.

To save time with cooking dinner etc, always cook double or even triple portions so that you can freeze some and avoid so much cooking in future. And/or invest in a slow cooker so that it can cook all day whilst you are at work.

You're in a very intense stage of your parenting life. The sleep situation will improve.

With your youngest daughter screaming - can you put her in a sling and carry her whilst you tidy up?

Do you have any relatives or friends that could help you with your childcare responsibilities at all?

Regarding your partner preferring to share problems with complete strangers, sometimes it's easier that way to offload and get a different perspective. She may really also be trying to avoid stressing you out further.

I really hope I've offered some small things to help you here. But one more thing, is playing computer games really something you think is getting a "sliver of life" back? Wouldn't it be better to get everyone out and about for a huge walk - get them all tired and invigorated? Including yourself. It could be real quality family time.

I really hope things get better for you. Nobody wants to attack you - it sounds like you really need some support, you and your partner.

TotalChaos · 13/06/2008 19:06

you both sound stressed and miserable and feeling undervalued. is there any possibility of you changing job to one you felt happier in? or of your DP becoming the main wage earner?

bubblagirl · 13/06/2008 19:09

resentment is a terrible thing

even if you are tired you can make time to spend quality time with kids only needs 10 mins or so to laugh have fun

your dp is tired from being up all night doesnt need you commenting on house work

how about not moaning thanking her for all she does get kids down and snuggle up

resentment eats away until it destroys what respect you have left

write down all the things your dp has to do in day and you try and do it you can even handle the evening

weekends you want to sleep knowing full well your dp could do with some

if you lived with me i would be full of resentment to you see the world through your eyes only without considering how sad and tired your dp is

its supposed to be team work and you seem to be all about you i think you needd to learn how to become a ssupportive partner and happier dad as alot of families dont have much time but make the most of it

do you offer to let dp have a lie in make her cup of tea get up with kids have a deal that you will go to bed when she gets up she deserves it work a routine that works for both not just you

bamboostalks · 13/06/2008 19:10

Is this moaning rant for the benefit of your partner? Do you wish her to see it? I think you have found her posts and now want to seek revenge?

WinkyWinkola · 13/06/2008 19:12

Isn't everyone entitled to have a moaning rant?

findtheriver · 13/06/2008 19:14

Right. The work situation is ridiculous. You hate your job and hate not having quality time with your children. You have to dash off out of meetings and drive at breakneck speed to get home so your partner can get to work. Madness! Sort out proper childcare for the overlap period. Or better still, rethink your whole work/life balance for the two of you. Instead of you working your guts out in a stressful environment and then having to do the evening routine singlehanded as your partner goes to work then, why not BOTH get less stressful and more family friendly daytime jobs? Get childcare organised,and that way you both get to contribute to the family finances, both get a break from the children and a chance for adult company, and hopefully, you can find a job you are happy in.
Your situation would drive me bonkers!! It's madness to be spending all day in a job you loathe, and then not even being able to sit down and relax and share the burden with your partner because she goes out the door as you walk in!!! You are going to go insane if you carry on like this!!!
Sit down and talk about how you can both sensibly share parenting and work in a way that doesnt leave you all stressed to high heaven!!

bubblagirl · 13/06/2008 19:14

not attacking you but been through this myself and found talking to my dp and working something out between us helped

hense letting her sleep in first as been up in night you do breakfast with kids and then when she gets up you go get few hours she'll feel better for having the support and rest

when you get up take kids to park together laugh enjoy the day

of the evening both do night time routine 2 hands are better than one and it can be done quicker you then in return are two rested happier people who can enjoy your evening kids down early nice dinner glass of wine snuggle up

get early night and do same again the next day you up first then dp then you go back to rest

but stay calm supportive it will make everyone feel better and get out for a walk at least in the day good luck

NotABanana · 13/06/2008 19:17

??????????

fryalot · 13/06/2008 19:17

is this a mumsnetters dh?

lucyellensmum · 13/06/2008 19:20

Blimey, what a can of worms

Welcome to parenthood

Maybe you could give up the computor games at weekends in order to spend some quality time with your children.

Your job sounds like a pile of shit, get another job. Looking after children is hard work, you;ve noticed that, your partner gets this 24/7 AND goes out to work in the evening. Who gives a fuck about the toilet seat, don't be so anal.

Your partner sounds like she has alot on her plate too.

You dont sound like you have any family time with your partner, maybe she resents this.

I tell you what though, im always whinging about my DP on here to strangers. It allows me to get stuff off my chest that would just upset my DP if i whined to him about it.

Get off the computor, sit her down with a glass of wine and TALK TO HER

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 13/06/2008 19:20

Bound to be.

2Happy · 13/06/2008 19:20

Umm, TBH I do think YABU a bit. You say you find the kids exhausting of an evening, yet you think your partner's "watching your children grow up or playing with them" must be much easier than your job. Do you think kids are only ever challenging in the evening? You want to have a lie in at the weekend, or spend your time playing computer games, because you need a change from your daily grind....umm, here's a news flash, your partner probably fancies a bit of time off too. And if you've got several kids, you may find that other people clean the loo too, it just gets messy again very quickly. And the plug sockets are probably switched off a hundred times a day too.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I guess both of you are just exhausted, and both of you would probably dearly love to stop the world and have a day off everything. But I think you'd be better off talking about it, than scoring points off each other in a chatroom

hifi · 13/06/2008 19:23

can nou get some help? you shouldnt have to rush home like that, could anyone sit the kids for an hour or so and you can take your time getting back?

is your partners job well paid? could it be possible that she stays home for a while until kids start school?

it all sounds very stressfull, something has got to give.

kittywise · 13/06/2008 19:25

You and your wife need to talk.

You need to stop being a victim and she needs to show you some respect.