am I? what do you think?

[colnelcustard]

My DD hasn?t slept through since birth. Although I don?t get up to feed her I get woken up every night either by my DD or by my partner. After this I find it very hard to sleep which usually equates to 5 to 6 hours sleep per night. I have to get up at 6pm because my partner works in the evenings so I rush to work in time to start at 8am. My day is then full of managing a team of 8 people (6 of who resent me absolutely as I am there manager) as well as managing the expectations of my manager. I have to put the time in to cover the work that the 6 simply don?t do or face up to the fact that I can?t perform in my role. Along with people management the rest of my day is spent designing conceptual object structures for various computer systems and going to meetings. Both of which involve a lot of thinking and are nigh on impossible while being completely spent every day. At the end of a fun day at the office I have to either walk out of the meeting I am in, destroying any credibility I have in the company, or slope off while my happy team work on. I then get to drive ,completely over the speed limit, in order to get home in 45 minutes so my partner can leave for work. When I get home I get to deal with my youngest daughter usually screaming and the mess that the eldest two have invariably created. I then have to deal with at least an hour of my youngest following me around screaming unless of course I carry her for an hour. After which I put her to bed. Although not obviously late enough for my partners liking. Then I get to deal with my eldest daughter who will not go to bed without a fight ever. I then get to do homework with my stepson after which if I?m really lucky I get to spend 45 minutes doing nothing, unless of course I make dinner or decide to turn all the plug sockets off around the house that have been left on or clean the kitchen or wipe the toilet seat clean (as no-one else seems able) or make dinner or do some diy. Then my partner gets home and we eat by which time I have usually had enough of life and just want to vegetate in-front of the TV. I do not get to spend any quality time with my children during the week as I?m t tired yet my partner does every day, somehow she feels that our tasks are comparable. I don?t see how working in a stressful job with people that hate you is comparable to watching your children grow up or playing with them. At the weekend I invariably try and sleep in which is usually impossible due to the drama that is the rest of the house getting up. Plus I usually feel guilty because I know my partner is tired from all the getting up in the night. I do sometimes manage to get a sliver of life back by playing computer games at the weekend but this is usually short lived for the same reasons as trying to sleep in. I have found out that my partner thinks I?m a liar and the reason for her miserable sleeping patterns. I have discovered that she would rather share her feelings with a bunch of stranger than with me and conveys such a hateful streak towards me that I?m surprised she doesn?t just up and leave. To top it all I?ve had hypertension for the past 4 years and am meant to be avoiding stress. I am however planning on getting my own back when I have a stroke and need to be sponge bathed every night.

to the OP:

every couple (and yes, I mean every couple) has times when they think that the other partner is doing a hell of a lot less than them, whether it be childcare, work, housework... or just everything

In reality, you are probably both working hard, trying desperately to make the marriage work, and keep the kids happy and healthy. That leaves little time for yourself.

You say that as soon as you get home, your partner leaves for work. Do you think she wants to do this? or needs to for the security of the family?

You say that you get to spend 45 minutes doing nothing. Guess what? that's a bloody luxury!

My advice, fwiw, would be to count your blessings, give your dp a huge hug when she comes home and ignore her mumsnetting, she needs it to let off steam.

xx

Yes I do think YABU but, on the other hand, your wrote this at 6.30 on Friday night when you come home at the end of the week and you want to go flop. I imagine your partner feels the same. Talk to each other. You might feel that you are doing more than your fair share but your dp probably does too - we all feel like that sometimes be it at home or at work.
I agree with those who suggest that you look at the work situation because that seems to be stressing you out too. Good luck - it can feel tough but it just sounds like you have got yourselves into a bit of a mess and need to take a step back work out what you are doing.

Welcome to the world of the working parent. Try using the evenings after the bedtime routine to catch up on work. Do not stay up late playing computer games, you will just get more tired. You have no entitlement to me-time until the children have left home. Oh and you need a cleaner.

What's this sentence about, please?

"I have found out that my partner thinks I?m a liar and the reason for her miserable sleeping patterns. I have discovered that she would rather share her feelings with a bunch of stranger than with me and conveys such a hateful streak towards me that I?m surprised she doesn?t just up and leave."

If it means that you've been working through your partner's posts on mumsnet, then

Oh dear sounds like you both need a break.

Before I went back to work I felt like I imagine the OP's partner felt, he got to leave the house and get time out whereas every day was the same for me.

Now I'm at work I can appreciate the fact that he had a job to do and then come home and carry on working with me there.

There is no easy answer, you must try and communicate with each other and get the nighttimes sorted out - sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a very good reason.

Is there anyone around who can help out occasionally with some childcare. Is it worth looking at gettin a childminder ot nursery place so your DP can work during the daytime.

FWIW I don;t think you are being unreasonable in having a rant, but only you can make your life better, it's not suddenly going to happen and you must talk to your DP.

Do you really want to solve any of these problems, or just let off steam? Or get your own back on your partner? We all feel stressed, overworked, exhausted, fed up at times (for me, at least once a day).

If you really want to address the problems then break them down,
eg 1. Not enjoying work.

1. Evening routine needs to change etc etc.

Sounds to me like you're just angry. You know, life isn't perfect, but sometimes the only person who can change things is you.

OP sounds overwhelmed. IMO, his job is the biggest problem. Don't give him a hard time, men find it hard to admit they can't cope. What is the matter with you all, give him a break.

have you talked to her about it? your post could almost be my dh on a bad day, only he was putting dd to bed when you posted your OP....oh, and we talk about things we're unhappy about and resolve them.

Not really sure how attacking the OP and pointing out failings is going to help the resentment that is clearly brewing between him and his DP.

Easy target anyone? It would be better to come up with some helpful suggestions like lots of the posters on this thread already have, don't you think?

Just talk to each other about it!

And I can imagine the OP would be pissed off finding posts moaning about him. I would be, so would my DH.
But then, I don't bitch and moan about him on here, because, well, instead of moaning about him when he's irritated me, I bloody well go and talk to him about it, and problem is usually solved in ten minutes.

If these two had just talked months ago, perhaps the situation would not have escalated to this??

Hmmm

Stay at home dad here. I read this thread in the 15 minutes me-time I get whilst my DW puts our DS to bed. She was an hour late home from work, but then she is every night. But she too has a demanding job and high standards.

I agree, your job sounds like the pits, but your DP is not swanning around drinking Pimms in the park all day. Three kids? Jeez! I've got a full-on day with only one toddler on my hands. Yes, I got to play with him in the playground this afternoon, but even that's really quite tiring when he's either throwing himself off or at things.

I read these threads, in many ways it's also a good release for me, seeing and sharing with people with similar issues and experiences. Or even thinking 'that sounds cr*ppy, thank god it's better for me'.

You both have busy and tiring days, and she's going to work in the evening!

Cut your DP some slack, look at changing career, get off the computer, talk. And have a lie-in each. I get Sunday, DW gets Saturday.

Oh, today, we got a cleaner...

dh has this semi arguement with me sometimes, until we have a week off work or i go away for a few days or whatever, then reality kicks in. have you done any sort of role swap?

It looks as though you really needed to unload there catchymonkey, and I truly hope it has helped. Life is hard and if I and I'm quite sure many others on here put their lives down in print as you have, you may be surprised to know that a)You aren't the only one. b)You aren't the worst off person on MN. c)If you rationalise it all, it can be a lot less of a burden than you really think.

Deep breathes, deep breaths....

I may be wrong but I think op probably intended to post and run, not answering any responses he gets (though he expected them all to be full of vitriol for the woman who does all night feeds, looks after dc's all day then works too- on mumsnet. HA!) and leave this as a nasty little present for his dw to find next time she comes online.

As I say, I may be wrong, and if I am then I apologise. I agree that he needs somewhere to offload too, but if I'm right this wasn't offloading so much as sniping.

You are probably right JATGB. some people!

Or maybe the OP is spending so quality time with his DP instead of on MN.

LOL! He's probably moaning at her!

Hello, I've watched and learnt a lot of useful stuff through my DP's use of MN but have never felt compelled to add anything.... until now!

I don't have the same amount of little un's as you Mr OP but I can recognise many of your pent up frustrations. That's what they are though, frustrations. The apparent lack of control over everything.

Somebody posted an earlier comment about being anal about the loo being clean. I don't think it anal about wanting to maintain personal hygiene and general cleanliness about your home. These are the standards that you have set for yourself and wish to uphold. However, sometimes something has to give. Hey, it's be clean for a while, by tomorrow it'll be back to where it was.

The important thing is to get perspective on the bigger picture and what is important in your life. Clean loos? maybe but is it really worth stressing over?? Surely not when it comes to the love and happiness of your family.

My DP gets up at 5.45 every day and yet I don't have to get up until 7am. This sucks. This has now been compounded by the fact that our DS now gets up to join us, bright and breezy, announcing that the day has begun at 4am!! This sucks even more and we are both feeling it. Both of us, as in team Mum & Dad. You are feeling it but so is she.

Stick together, work out your own 'me' times because it's important for you both. Recognise when your other half needs a break and make it clear when you do too.

As for the stress at work. When you feel that you are up against it and feel you can't win... well, jut imagine and picture your family in your mind and recognise for yourself that they are all you need and the idiots you contend with at work all day... well, in the grand scheme of things.. they don't really matter. They don't really matter at all.

Well put MI

is there no way that you could arrange childcare for an hour or 2 in the evenings as the situation with you having to walk out of work to take over at home sounds far from ideal and is probably the root of alot of your work issues. surely a teenager to cover an hour in between your dp leaving and you getting in wouldn't cost too much? and having someone fresh faced and energetic to deal with them for an hour of that utter meltdown period in the evenings might help the kids be a bit calmer too.

as for the sleep issues, it sounds like you both need to put a little work in resolving your dd's waking at night as it will be of huge benefit to all of you when she learns to sleep properly (i'm presuming she's an older child by the way you talk?). it's not doing her any favours to be encouraged to wake repeatedly through the night.

as for the weekends, why do you feel you deserve a break and your dp should give you one? as you well know dealing with kids is intensive and exhausting and she works and she does the nights with your dd. we have a system here, i get saturday lie in, dp gets sunday... and i mean proper lie ins.... in bed for hours after everyone else is up

you need to calm down and talk to your dp..... i know when i worked nights i couldn't shut down for a long time afterwards, she may be on MN because she can't sleep... not vice versa? and everyone needs somewhere to vent.... if you hadn't been snooping reading her posts it would never have bothered you. better she does it to a bunch of imaginary friend than to her rl friends who you have to meet in person

Thanks Solo.. Please tell me your first name is Han?

if you like!!!

Ok from what I could out. You have a paid job during the day then come home and look after the children. Your OH looks after the children then goes out to a paid job. She gets up at night and you get disturbed sleep.
Its called being a parent and to think in anyway that you OH has got the cushy bit is madness.

Work out...must read before sending

lol... Sorry, my mind was racing.. tsk!