I hate this

[Blueyrocks]

Can't talk to anyone irl. My mum is visiting. I'm being criticised incessantly, in such small ways none of it would sound like anything at all if I wrote it down. I've self harmed within an hour of her arriving (I'm fine). I feel spaced out and completely exhausted. I hate it. And I can't see any end or escape, until she dies. Obviously being criticised is only the start, but no point going over it all now. I just needed to get that out.

Sending hugs. Is she going soon?

Why do you still have a relationship with her?

Can you not tell her to shut the fuck up or get out?

I hear you and understand. Mine does this too and I have also self harmed in the past as a result. It's so insidious. Also in criticising others which is very stressful too.

I'll send hugs too.

That sounds really tough. Is she staying for long?
I am not good at wise words for these situations, but I hope you are ok - please remember people’s criticisms of us don’t define who we really are; you have worth, you are a precious human, whether she sees or vocalises that or not.

You are not obligated to have a relationship with your mother just because she gave birth to you. She sounds toxic and it might be that you need to cut contact with her.

Because I'm scared of her and of the fallout with the rest of my family if I go "no contact". It's complicated, but I'm from a community that's kind of closed. I'm already a bit "out" because of who I married. If I cut off my mum, I lose the whole community. It's not a cult btw!!!

Why on earth did you agree to her coming OP?

Look at grey rock. Don’t give her any reaction. What would happen if you told her she was being rude and if she continues to be insulting then you will no longer engage with her and she can leave? I feel so drained when my mum visits, I only allow it once a year for a day visit, other wise will drop my dd at her house then go out and pick her up in the evening. You are an adult, engagement is on your terms. Do you have a partner that can tell her she is speaking out of turn when she does or someone that can stick up for you?

Oh, I wish 😂

Have you seen your GP about this? I also self -harmed due to domestic abuse. My GP was very kind and helpful.

I didn't..she just showed up.

can you give the reasons why you can’t go no or low contact ? What is preventing you from saying “ please don’t put me down” or that’s offensive”

do you have any support or witnesses who can at least validate what you’re hearing ?

please don’t hurt yourself I’m not any sort of expert so don’t know the right words but your body is precious and deserves kindness

we you abused in other ways ? Do you want to talk about that?

Seriously, try it. It gets easier with practice 😆

You have a limited amount of time on this planet. Nobody has the right to eat your energy and make you miserable, whether they gave birth to you or not.

All of this makes so much sense but it's just not an option..DH isn't here, and if he was, he knows not to say anything as it's v high risk for me.

Why community is it? I’m sorry to say, but if they will cut you off fully, sounds a bit cultish.

Solidarity, my DM is staying too and has a million ways of being critical or negative. She often presents it as positive but there’s usually an implied criticism such as saying’oh Waitrose, lovely, well lovely for those who can afford it.’

I love her but can’t manage long or very often!

Seriosly, please don’t harm yourself. You have a safe space here to vent and get plenty of support. 💕

One of my earlier replies is trying to explain why I can't, but i get that it probably makes no sense from the outside! And I can't give more deyas I'm scared someone would recognise me!

There was other abuse, mostly in my childhood, it's not just criticism. I don't think I want to get into it just now, but thank you! 💜

Yeah, tbf probably a bit cultish from the outside! It's not about a religion or belief, just an identity. I know it's not great, but it's part of who I am. And I don't have much, but I do have this.

Can you go out for a bit. Say you need to go to the supermarket and instead go to a coffee shop and have a breather.

can you agree to only meet her outside from now on eg a coffee (so it’s time limited to an hour or so). It’s the length of time with toxic people that’s so hard and when they are in your personal space

Ok, then practically you can choose who you give your power to. And you are giving it to her. You are reacting to what she says. Let it bounce off you. She is a damaged, toxic person that communicates in criticism and I imagine lectures rather than converses. When is she leaving and what can you look forward to doing the second she leaves?

Yeah I'm putting the baby to bed now and it's helping just being in another room. And I already "have plans" tomorrow. Just, having the visit sprung on me has been a bit of a shock!

Hey I'm so sorry I empathise completely. I went full no contact last December because I couldn't cope anymore. She was affecting my MH too much and making me want to self harm again. You HAVE to do what's best for u and baby, fuck her and her feelings.

@NovaF so true! You're absolutely right, I need to change my own response . I feel like I make progress on that and then it's like I'm back to square one. But you're right. Nothing planned for when she leaves, but it's definitely something nice to think about!

Just seen you can't go NC. Can you take anti depressants or have a therapist ? May help with the urge to self harm. I'm 300 days clean and coincidentally I cut my mum off just over a year ago.