I hate this

[Blueyrocks]

Can't talk to anyone irl. My mum is visiting. I'm being criticised incessantly, in such small ways none of it would sound like anything at all if I wrote it down. I've self harmed within an hour of her arriving (I'm fine). I feel spaced out and completely exhausted. I hate it. And I can't see any end or escape, until she dies. Obviously being criticised is only the start, but no point going over it all now. I just needed to get that out.

I get the community thing, and could probably have a reasonable guess but won't. I suspect things like familial abuse, alcohol and drug use and mental health issues are quite prevalent in the community, although with a lot of stigma attached. Your mum is unlikely an inherently bad person, she's likely also a victim of the same familial and community abuse.

The difference is that you are ready to break that cycle and end the generational trauma. Have you ever had any therapy?

I know you're reluctant to say and I understand the worry that it might be outing but I guess for most people who aren't of this community reading your posts, the sensible advice would be to cut ties. I have looked at your other threads and posts and it's clear you have significant trauma and mental health issues which all stem from your family/childhood. Given you live hours away from your mum I'm just wondering how involved with this 'community' you are on a day to day basis? I'm really struggling with the issue of identity and this community. If you could say which community it is you are part of it would probably help the readers with understanding your situation.

Also wanted to ask what your husband thinks you should do in relation to your mum? Do you raise your children as part of this community? If not, why not?

After far too many years I went NC with mine. It was something someone on Mumsnet said (not to me, I just read it) that freed me to finally do it when I was 45. Had been far too worried I'd regret it to do it, and too worried that I was overreacting, and since I've been free I cannot describe the relief. I took had thought I needed to wait for her to die. Turns out I didn't.

When you self harm you risk getting cellulitis or even sepsis - please don’t put yourself at risk of that.

Gosh, thank you all for so many thoughtful responses. I will try to respond fully, but if I miss you, I do really appreciate that everyone has been so kind, and trying to help.

So, I can see that my first post sounds awful. My mum isn't abusive, I think it would be massively overkill to cut her off. I get spaced out around her, and self-harm and all, because of what I associate her with, which was abusive, but that was mostly my dad, who's dead now anyway. Mum can be mean and critical, and she's especially hard on me for sure. But she's not really hit me or anything since I was a child. She was just there and like passively enabling the abuse.

@CantBreathe90 yeah, you are right, I know. I prob should have said at the start I do have PTSD, so there is something wrong with my mind. I do want to get better and am trying stuff, but tonight was a bit of a set back. DH knows I self-harm. He's not happy about it, but he isn't going to make me stop.

Gaining weight is not really an option for me, I have had anorexia and it's kind of still hanging about tbh.

@DecafSoyaLatteExtraShotPlease thank you so much. You are absolutely right about all of that. A lot of addiction and alcoholism and, honestly, yes (though I do feel a bit like a traitor saying it) abuse too in some ways, but it is mixed with a lot of great stuff that people tend to ignore.

Mum isn't a bad person, definitely has had a shitty, shitty life herself. And I do want to break the cycle, I'm desperately afraid of my kids experiencing the childhood I had, that I would do to them what was done to me. I've had therapy in the past and have recently been referred for EMDR with NHS but not accessing it yet.

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this, OP.
We’re very sorry to say we don’t allow threads which detail methods of self harm and suicide on Mumsnet, so we’re going to delete it now. Please contact the Samaritans, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health Webguide
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Can I just ask if people would please not guess or say what community it is. I'm really pretty scared of getting caught/ recognised, and I didn't realise people could search for my old threads/ posts etc.

I didn't detail methods! @CoralMumsnet

Hi OP

We're very sorry - we misread your post.

We've sent support links over, and we've undeleted your thread now.

Again, our apologies.

@Ipsevenenabibas good questions! DH is the reason we live so far away from my family. He respects where I'm from and my family but point blank refused to live in the same area as them. He definitely doesn't think we should go no contact with my mum.

Our kids just are part of the community - it's not really something you can opt in or out of. But DH doesn't want them to just accept some of the things that are quite normalised in it. And it's been good for me, to see some of this through his eyes.

I don't want to say what the community is please. I feel worried it would be easy to figure out who I am esp if people can go back and find other stuff I've posted and join the dots.

@Blueyrocks great news that you are going to have EMDR, I have had some trauma training and it’s one of the most effective therapies for it that there are.

Can I offer you, in the meantime, a practice which you may be familiar with called yoga nidra? There is a school of yoga nidra, called iRest, developed specifically for traumatised people (veterans of war) which could offer you some nervous system regulation. It’s not a movement practice, you lie (or sit) comfortably and just listen to the voice. There are lots of free ones on Insight Timer. (Other yoga nidra practices may also help, it doesn’t have to be iRest ones.) You cannot do it wrong. It can be very helpful in soothing your system and might help you to stay regulated or just fall asleep.

@Holdinguphalfthesky thank you. I have done yoga nidra but hadn't heard of iRest. I tend to find things like meditation where I have to be still really really hard but I will look into this and give it a go while I'm waiting for EMDR starting 🙂

And just to say thank you everyone who replied. I was on my own with my kids and mum and just spiralled a bit - like I was terrified, which is so stupid now I think about it, she's not going to do anything beyond judging how clean my floors are. I used to be minding my younger brother alone a lot and trying (and usually failing) to keep him safe from dad and maybe it felt the same I don't know. But even just the company and different perspectives on here really helped me so much last night..DH got back later, mum left to stay with. Friends, and I'm more ready for her today. Thank you all!