I hate this

[Blueyrocks]

Can't talk to anyone irl. My mum is visiting. I'm being criticised incessantly, in such small ways none of it would sound like anything at all if I wrote it down. I've self harmed within an hour of her arriving (I'm fine). I feel spaced out and completely exhausted. I hate it. And I can't see any end or escape, until she dies. Obviously being criticised is only the start, but no point going over it all now. I just needed to get that out.

Tbh if she ever just randomly turns up again I would be tempted to say ‘oh we’ve booked to stay with friends for 2 nights leaving in an hour! Just got to pack the car. Or ooo we are having a mini break at a posh hotel, leaving shortly!’

pack a fake bag, get in the car and then go out for a bit. Watch on your ring door bell and only come back when they’ve gone. That’s my plan with my in laws next time they turn up uninvited when my husband is on a work trip. Hah

I imagine it's difficult to look at things objectively when you're in the middle of it and trying to survive.

I'd be thinking about whether you're absolutely certain that it isn't worth taking the risk of losing the community to be free of this treatment for the rest of your and your baby's life? Because you know she'll probably emotionally abuse your baby when they are older too, right?

The older I get, the more I think I'd rather be alone than with people who treat me badly. When you're free, you can build new connections, when your self-esteem isn't being constantly eroded.

You don't deserve to be treated badly.

Cutting her off is just not an option. She's not wholly bad. My kids love her, and she's not cruel or critical towards them (though I am watching this). And I would be hated. A lot of people in my family and community know about the abuse (mostly my dad,not my mum). They would still despise me for "betrayal". And I'm not sure I disagree with them.

I moved to a city far away from my parents and the physical distance has done wonders for my mental health. Can you at some point do the same?

😂i don't think I'm likely to do this, ever, but it did make me laugh

@NovaF oh I have. I live hours away. Like, she got on a plane to be here.

Go to YouTube and look up Narcissistic abuse. Relentless criticism is narcissism usually. Honestly it will help you understand and hopefully stop self harming.

Oh no 🫠

Thank you all so much for the replies. I feel a lot better. I have to go and make dinner now, but I'll come back later. I really appreciate people replying so kindly.

Could you just say something like “Ok then Mum” every time, and change the subject or get up?

Ok, so if cutting her off definitely isn’t an option, then it’s even more crucial that you learn how to stand up to her and remove her ability to make you feel awful. If you -and your children - are in this for the long haul, then you all need the skills to recognise and manage her behaviour so you can be happy and healthy. Is counselling an option for you? You need to unpick all the buttons she presses and your own habitual reactions, so you can be more intentional in the way you deal with her.

I can imagine that for a person who was raised in an insular community that it might seem impossible to survive with absolutely no contact from the members of that community. As you say "you don't have much, but you have this" but you can survive without these people. You could flourish without them. You can build your own wider relationships, your own community. Your mum is harmful to you and your wider community has not protected you. What purpose does that community serve? They're not the fairytale of the 'village' that looks after the children and supports those actively parenting. Your mum let you down badly and your community has let you both down by not helping her do better and not protecting you when she was and still is abusive.

You say you married someone who you shouldn't have... Someone outside of the community? Was there a part of you trying to break free? Why not fully draw your lines now? Protect your DC from seeing their mum in emotional pain, caused by their grandma. You can build something for yourself that's separate.

Until.people break away from.this mass bullying....because that is what it is....then things wont change. People need to cut out this crap in great numbers. See it for the crap it is......people wanting their own way and manipulating others in order to get it all under the fake umbrella of ' culture'. . Enough !!

I presume your DH is part of the community too? If so what is his view about how your mum treats yoi? Does he have your back emotionally?

If she just turned up randomly can you fabricate some weekend commitment to get rid of her?

If you're self-harming you need to be on antidepressants imo, unless you already are. However annoying your mum is, this is quite an extreme reaction. Sorry you're having a tough time though x

@Theonlywayicanloveyou no DH, is not part of the community, which is part of the problem. They like him, and have definitely accepted him to a huge degree - he's more "in" than "out" with some of them. He hates how she treats me. Emotionally, mostly has my back, though I'd say things aren't great sometimes because I'm pretty hard to live with tbh. I had a whloe thread about that ages ago! And now I'm all spaced out, he's not going to get anywhere trying to "help" me anyway.

Oh, it's not "annoying". I don't want to get nto details, but I've been self harming since my mid teens, as a way to cope with abuse throughout my childhood. I'm reluctant to take antidepressants in case they make me gain weight, and anyway I'm not depressed.

@Daygloboo I think you mean really well, but honestly, it's just not a "fake" umbrella of culture, it's absolutely fundamentally who I am. And although I think I get what you mean - "mass bullying" is an interesting way to put it - it's more complicated than that. Discrimination and persecution by "outsiders" means we mostly only trust ourselves. And I don't disagree with that.

@MadAsAMongoose yeah, DH isn't "us". Def part of me liked him because it wasn't more of the same, but I liked him because he recognised the value of where I'm from. He's not just any "outsider", he's genuinely respectful of who I am, and wants to be part of it as far as he can. You're right my community isn't "doing" anything for me, it's just, they're who I am. It's my identity.

The community issue isn't really important here though, I just brought it up to explain why I can't cut her off.

@Blueyrocks

Your community isn't helping you here. You absolutely can go 'no contact' & that may make it uncomfortable to remain part of tgst community, but you need to see yourself as a person, an individual, a wife & a mother THAT is who you are.

you can build a life with your husband & children. You don't need this unsupportive community.

you can go N/C you're an adult with your own family!

I think it would be better for you to gain weight than self harm when you’re looking after children. If you DH agrees with you, why not move away with your kids and DH and don’t tell anyone where?!

Move away I did don't see that often now once per month and longer if she's alkward same as u constant criticism all my life poor you xxx

Well sorry to say it OP, but something isn't right with your mind, if you're self-harming. It's not a normal thing to do, and suggests you need intervention (aside from the issues with your mum and community, which do indeed sound tough). I'm not trying to be horrible, but it's not right to normalise it either. Is your husband aware? What does he say about it?

Even if you did put weight on (which isn't guaranteed by any means), there are worse things in the world than being fat.

I don’t really understand the community element. Any community who would cut you off aren’t worthy of you as part of the community. Do you actually want to be around people who would treat someone like that? Sounds awful.

Traveller?

If you are determined not to cut your mum off then you need to get therapy to change your reaction to her.
My mum was abusive and I didn't want to cut her off , in my case because everyone else already had and I felt responsibility being the last one standing. What I did do was stop putting up with the worst of it - anything physical was out and certain things i made clear I wouldn't accept. For all the little digs though I just turned into a joke with my husband- a bit of a bingo as to how soon she'd say this or that. It worked for a while but then she started on my kids and that was it, she's out now. I don't care if her cats eat her after she dies.