Update incoming: AIBU to expect a birthday present

[Thinkingof2026]

So some of you may have read my thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5474719-to-ask-if-this-is-what-long-marriage-looks-like?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Just by means of an update, he's still not talking to me nearly 3 weeks now

And yesterday was my birthday

He got a generic happy birthday card from the DDs and that's it.

My DD11 got up early and decorated for me and sung me happy birthday with an apple turnover she'd made in school the day before.

She asked me in the sweetest voice "have you not got any presents...did you not ask for anything?"

So yeh, he's left me with the emotional load of dealing with that too.

Add this on top of the fact that my mum had a stroke in September, my dad died in October, my mum has had multiple hospital admissions since then due to complications so ive also "lost" my mum, or at least the version of her that was my mum

DD11 is ASD and im dealing with a lot with school with her and ive "taken on" my brother who is also ASD and needa a lot of suplort who was previously supported by mum / dad

But yeh, obviously "D"H needs are a priority and im a terrible person for not prioritising them.

I thought he would get me at least a token gift from the girls. A packet of fruit pastilles, a keyring, anything. But no, that was too much effort for him.

Im done

Im getting my ducks in a row

This is the end.

I don’t have any awesome advice here but didn’t want to read and run, hoping the Mumsnetters who have gone through all this will be along to help shortly but Happy Birthday to you OP for yesterday 💜 how lovely of your DD to decorate and make you something, she sounds like a caring child. I hope you can take a deep breath, as you say get ducks in order and move on from your relationship - you don’t deserve to be treated the way you have been treated and I think it’s awful that your husband did nothing for your birthday not even to make it nice so it was normal and nice for the kids.

Happy Birthday for yesterday. Give your lovely DD an extra squish this morning.

Treat yourself to a fabulous present.

Weight loss.

About 12 stone of useless, horrible STBExH

Thing is, stonewalling is actually listed as domestic violence. I'm not sure why you don't think it's abusive.

It's a bad environment to keep kids in, this is what they're learning about relationships.

Good for you OP. Better times are ahead. 💐

next year will be a happy birthday.

How in line are your ducks. Do you have somewhere to go or can you ask him to leave?

Happy birthday for yesterday.
Treat yourself and your lovely Dd to day out celebrating this weekend.

Start the separation process, ignoring you for 3 weeks is completely unacceptable. That is no life for you and an awful example for your children. Show them the strong, independent woman you are and commit to your future happiness today x

I didnt care about the present from him, but a token gift from the girls would have been appreciated, to not leave me with the emotional load of THEM feeling weird about it.

I also thought if he did get me something it might be a bit of an opening to talk. But no.

So yes here we are!

Theyre not massively inline. But i am aboit to inherit some money from my dad which will help.

Just currently weighing up my options before solicitors.. try and stay here, the family home, or try and figure out a way to move into my dads house (needs a LOT of work though)

I will be ...financial spreadsheet already started 🤣

I don't really understand your "emotional load" comments, surely that is the least of your worries. Just tell your kids that there wasn't anything you needed or wanted so your present will be a day trip/meal out in the spring or something.

It is the least of my worries. But when you add it to the fact that every time we argue he withdraws (including from the kids) im left with the mental load each time. Okay so emotional load probably wrong choice of words but im left to answer the questions, he's not.

If you are soon to inherit money, start the divorce process BEFORE you get the money. Then it will be easier for you to keep that as your money and not part of the family pot.

will XH move out and let you stay in the house with the kids? Or do you have enough money to move out?

Yes thats what im thinking
I dont exactly have enough money to move out.
I would have enough to buy him out tho and continue the existing mortgage.

If you can buy him out and stay put that would be the least upheaval for the children. Agree you need to split before your inheritance if possible or it may be treated as a marital asset.

What a horrible man.

Happy Birthday for yesterday. Just think your next one will be just lovely. No stress no childish idiot ruining it for you.

Good luck

That's what I did, I was super pleased with what she did and I expressed that the best present was what she did and I was so grateful to her its really special blah blah...

Give yourself the gift of a new life without him!

Sorry you’re going through that. He’s an arsehole.

I agree with another poster to start the process of separation before you inherit. Open a separate account for the inheritance and leave it there until things are progressed with the separation. Don’t use any of it on the matrimonial home until the divorce is finalised. Don’t mix it with your matrimonial assets at all.

Happy birthday for yesterday!
please try to see him not getting you anything for your birthday as a positive thing - it’s ripped the plaster off rather than allowing this relationship to limp along.
He has obviously checked out of the marriage completely and I hope you’re not doing anything for him now - no meals, washing, shopping etc.
Please make an appointment to see a solicitor as soon as possible, if only to get yourself firmly into the frame of mind that you’re ‘on your way out the door’.

This would have topped it off for me too so I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Me and my ex are not still friends but we manage things for our daughter amicably and we always ensure she has a card, presents and a cake and candles to give each of us on our respective birthdays.. it’s out of respect for each other but mainly for her as well to be able celebrate with each of us. She loves secretly lighting candles and bringing a cake in “out of nowhere”
Good luck in working your way through this it sounds like you will all be happier in the long run as this is no way to live x 💐

I'm not sure how it would work with your inheritance, but where i used to work we couldn't get in contact with someone who we were trying to pay out inheritance to. Her financial adviser said he thought she might be going through a divorce but she wasn't responding to calls or letters to confirm payment details. We just had to keep trying and 12 months later she got in contact with us (post divorce) for us to make the payment to her.