Seething

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Changed for privacy reasons, plus minor fact modifications.

I'd like to preface by saying this isn't about the money.

I'm one of 5 siblings. 4 of us did wellish, finished uni, working, married/to be married, 2 of us have 2 DC each. My DB (only son), however, is a typical (NON-SEN, it was thoroughly investigated) never-do-well. Still lives in the family home, failed GCSEs because he was caught cheating, on benefits (ostensibly due to bad back and IBS at 27, but no investigations ever yielded anything palpable), can't hold onto any relationships because he's an utter AH. He made all of our lives miserable growing up, always in trouble at school, screaming the house down if things didn't go his way, kicking off on our graduations and weddings because he wasn't in the centre of attention. You get the picture.

DPs are getting old now. DM has early stage dementia, DF is in a remission for a cancer that is bound to come back. The question of care keeps popping up with increasing frequency. Thing is, although the 4 of us are employed, 2 of us are under mortgage and childcare costs and 2 are renters and in the lower rungs of career. Meanwhile, the property our brother is sitting on is worth over a million pound, due to a central position in an expensive city in UK. My parents live in a tiny rural cottage my mother inherited (because they couldn'tput up with DB a day longer), but it's full of stairs, nooks and crannies and old-age unsuitable.

We tried to have an adult conversation to sell the city house to fund the care, but DB kicked off how we're dumping him on the street and how us who are working should pay for it and he keeps the house. The suggestion that he moves in and cares for DPs in lieu of rent, is, of course, unacceptable. DP, as always, cower in rather than confront DB.

I had enough, said either DB gets his $#/+ together, gets a job and a flat etc. or I'm not wasting another minute or penny putting up with this. I have a family, job and an early immunological problem already on my plate.

Trouble is, getting my other siblings to sing from the same sheet is another story. I feel like crap bailing out, but he ruined first 25 years of my life with his behaviour, and he's not getting a minute more.

Good luck with that.
Whether you are lovely to him or horrible to him, he will likely react the same way so just plough ahead is my advice, and don’t let him ride you all any more.

But how? House is in DF's name and he's burying his head in the sand about the whole situation. Will the council step in? Are we actually able to evict DB? And it will utterly distress DM, because my brother will direct all at her, as he knows she will fold almost immediately. In the meantime, they will need care, but they cannot afford much on their pensions - all the money went on the house. Utterly lost about this!

So DB is living in a house owned by DP? And DP live in a different unsuitable house?

if DB wasn’t there, would DP be able to sell both houses and move to a more suitable property? Or are they too old and unsure for that?

Does anyone have power of attorney? If you can, get that in place asap. Is there another sensible sibling who would share the PoA with you?

Ultimately, if your dp have capacity to make the choice, I would leave them to it. They can choose to evict db or not. If they bring it up, advise them to evict him and sell the property, but you can't save them from their own choices.

As cruel as it sounds, they created the problem and they do need to sort it out. Everyone else’s hands are tied. There is no way that you this won’t be a mess. You need to tell your other siblings that they either agree to sell up or he and your parents are their problem.

This. Get the lazy sod out. Council may make you sell it if care is needed, if brother is under 60.

So are your parents currently receiving care? I can’t make out what you’re wasting your money and time on?

They aren't receiving care yet, but it's a matter of months - especially with DMs dementia. There's no POA yet - another thing that's bound to ruffle feathers. I know I should, for the benefit of my DDs, step aside and leave them to it, but I'm to worried for DPs. Takes me 1.5hours on a good day to drive to the cottage and Internet there is abysmal, so WF(their)H isn't an option. One sibling lives abroad, one recently had a difficult pregnancy and a NICU stay and one is too traumatised by childhood got get anything sensible out of.

Honestly OP I’d leave your parents to it. I can’t stand it when parents favour one child over the others and then expect to be bailed out when they can no longer deal with the monster they’ve created.

Not that it's especially fair on the four sisters, but can he not move into the tiny cottage and your DPs move back into the family house? Would it be suitable for them?

If he isn't working - or likely to any time soon/ever, it's not like he has to be in any one location in particular. If he is desperate to stay in that location... well, he could always get a job and pay for his own housing there, like the rest of us do.

As I understand it, the council can’t force a sale of the house for care but can put a charge on it so that it will be sold upon your parents death to cover the debt, so your brother would be evicted at that point.

PoA should be your most important priority, to protect them. And make it easier for you to manage any care home moves or carer visits etc.

look up ageUK for advice on why PoA matters and talk to them about it, maybe with an example of a friend who was able to help parents because they had PoA. If you can get them to agree to that, as a backup, an insurance plan, then you will be able to do more later.

it does take time to get all the paperwork so start asap.

You need power of attorney (both LPA property AND LPA health) urgently in place. If mum loses capacity it will be the authorities and/or the court making decisions (including whether to appoint you or not) and much, much more difficult to manage.

i think a house can not be sold for care if one partner lives in it .... but they don't your brother does. I would speak to citzen advice - project this as its coming as its the law plus I would research elder abuse for financial coercian.

You should report the fucker to the dwp for a start

The sad truth is you can't force your parents to be tough with him - perhaps if they had been in the past, you wouldn't be in this situation now! Would your parents allow you POA? If you can get that organised, it would help. Can you get legal advice about the house?

With the state my family is it, letting the courts or the council take over would actually be easier. Literally - it would be an outside force making the rules that must be followed and not dithered about. I'll have a look into a POA solicitor, although how I'll ever convince my parents is beyond me. As for my brother, he refuses to move to the cottage (either to share or swap). The swap wouldn't be any easier on my parents, with all the stairs and the refurbishment it needs, because brother didn't exactly take good care of it, either.

And say what? He's got terminal lazyitis? He's exceptionally convincing when he wants to be. All I have is my word against his.

The council can’t force a sale on either home I don’t think - they couldn’t even if it was an empty second home. But they can, and will, include it in the finance assessment and place a charge on it to recoup the money when it’s later sold. The estate would have to pay that.

You need proper legal advice Op, if your DM has dementia she could be in a care home for some years and both your DPs houses could be taken into account by the social services. If you can get POA it will help later on but you can only enforce it once your DM has lost capacity, if you don't get it soon it may not be possible which makes everything much more complicated and leaves the door open for your brother to try and manipulate her. What a shit he is, even his own DPs ran away from him

Is it worth trying adult social services? Report that you feel he's being abusive and coercive towards your parents but basically preventing them from being able to access appropriate care and accommodation.

If you can get a POA in place asap that's going to be your best bet. Assuming at some point both properties are sold would you give your brother a lump sum to put down a deposit (although if he's hell bent on not working you may as well let him throw himself on the mercy of the council).

Whatever you end up doing, make sure you take care of yourself and your own family as a priority.

I think I would be tempted to take a step back and let it sort itself out.

In the circumstances you have described, I can't see how one person (you) can be expected to untangle it all and please your parents and your brother. So don't tie yourself in knots trying to.

I would suggest a conversation with your parents about the blunt realities, in the knowledge that they can't/won't try to find a resolution. At the point they start to blether, then say "that's fine, I was only thinking of yours and DB's long term best interests, but I am happy to say no more and leave it to social care to sort out when the time comes".

But why should the council have to pay when there are assets. Surely they would just refuse to fund care and the parents would have to stay put.

It's actually up to your parents. If they are willing to continue to let him live there then there is nothing any of you can do about it.