Seething

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Changed for privacy reasons, plus minor fact modifications.

I'd like to preface by saying this isn't about the money.

I'm one of 5 siblings. 4 of us did wellish, finished uni, working, married/to be married, 2 of us have 2 DC each. My DB (only son), however, is a typical (NON-SEN, it was thoroughly investigated) never-do-well. Still lives in the family home, failed GCSEs because he was caught cheating, on benefits (ostensibly due to bad back and IBS at 27, but no investigations ever yielded anything palpable), can't hold onto any relationships because he's an utter AH. He made all of our lives miserable growing up, always in trouble at school, screaming the house down if things didn't go his way, kicking off on our graduations and weddings because he wasn't in the centre of attention. You get the picture.

DPs are getting old now. DM has early stage dementia, DF is in a remission for a cancer that is bound to come back. The question of care keeps popping up with increasing frequency. Thing is, although the 4 of us are employed, 2 of us are under mortgage and childcare costs and 2 are renters and in the lower rungs of career. Meanwhile, the property our brother is sitting on is worth over a million pound, due to a central position in an expensive city in UK. My parents live in a tiny rural cottage my mother inherited (because they couldn'tput up with DB a day longer), but it's full of stairs, nooks and crannies and old-age unsuitable.

We tried to have an adult conversation to sell the city house to fund the care, but DB kicked off how we're dumping him on the street and how us who are working should pay for it and he keeps the house. The suggestion that he moves in and cares for DPs in lieu of rent, is, of course, unacceptable. DP, as always, cower in rather than confront DB.

I had enough, said either DB gets his $#/+ together, gets a job and a flat etc. or I'm not wasting another minute or penny putting up with this. I have a family, job and an early immunological problem already on my plate.

Trouble is, getting my other siblings to sing from the same sheet is another story. I feel like crap bailing out, but he ruined first 25 years of my life with his behaviour, and he's not getting a minute more.

Gather as much info as you can.
https://www.lastingpowerofattorney.service.gov.uk/guide#topic-what-is-an-lpa
The Donors - your parents - have to instigate it. Or you get all the forms you can and help. It's convincing your Dad that this would be acting in everyone's best interest. Couch in caring for your mum terms. (Speaking to medical people for him etc) It's two representatives and a replacement which should leave him out. Obviously the last thing you want is for your brother to be an attorney so think about the risk of them telling him and him swooping in and whisking those forms away.

Look into financial assessments - Residential and Non-Residential Care Charges. You will need LPA to fill them out though. Speak to Adult Social Care.

If both your parents need care and none of your siblings step up to do it the council will force the sale of the house. I'm not sure whether the fact that is only in your DFs name has any implications if your DM is the only one who needs care.

However, it's possible that your DF will care for your DM and then die himself, or that the cottage that they live in will be sold to pay for DMs care. Or one of your siblings might step up. Even DB might grow a brain and realize that by helping he is feathering his own nest long-term.

If they're determined to support your DB regardless of the cost they will probably do so, and the only thing you can really do is keep your distance.

Having read a lot of these threads on MN, I wouldn't all be surprised to find your DB either inherits the house or a lifetime interest in it.

A thoroughly sensible post ... if the parents only want to cry about what they "can't " do there's not much of an answer beyond leaving them to it, and when a crisis comes notifying SS rather than attempting to sort out their mess

You get power of attorney and evict your brother. Then get a restraining order if he abuses your mother. His behaviour is elder abuse. He is depriving your mother of medical care because he is using an asset without paying anything to your parents - thereby depriving your parents of the funds to pay for care.

You need POA. Super urgently as well. Make sure when you get it that DB is NOT on the POA especially if it’s jointly and severally but honestly just leave him off it entirely.

No just no. If your parents want your brother to continue being a freeloader than fine (well, it’s not but it sounds like they might think it is!). It’s not your problem or your siblings. Your parents can’t have it both ways. I wouldn’t be paying towards this ridiculous situation or investing much time; like you l have a job, children and health issues. I’ve put in boundaries with people and lm trying to not overdo things

I expect the brother's well aware of all this, which is why getting POA may well be impossible ... especially if he works to persuade them that OP wants to take all their money 🙄

I wouldn't be surprised if he has persuaded your parents to sign the house over to him..in fact I'd be very surprised if he hasn't.
Can you be sure the house is still in your parents name

Not your problem.

your parents have assets.
you refuse to chip in towards their care (which honestly you wouldn’t be able to afford anyway - dementia homes are ££££).
you refuse to have either of them move in with you.

it becomes an issue at the point one or both need care. A likely scenario is that they look after each other until they can’t.

at that point they either evict your brother and sort the sale of the house or don’t get the care. The council will not fund it if there are substantial assets.

Charge back - where councils charge care fees against the eventual sale of the house - varies from council to council. Some will only do it for six months or so.

If either of your parents need care social services will be after the house quicker than anything. Check the land registry. Any suggestion brother is trying to get his name on the deeds you can raise a safeguarding issue. If there is no poa, SS will be on it.

Get your self on to the elderly parents board - in particular the cockroach cafe thread. The posters there have seen it all and will support you through this muddle.

I was in a very similar position as you several years ago. Having learned the hard way and nearly going under with the stress, guilt and anger at my lazy controlling sibling, I would do the following (which I wish I had done).
Put yourself and your family first, accept this is of your parents making and they cannot put it all on you.
You cannot change your parents and brothers behaviour, that's their choice. But you can change the way you let it affect you.
Chances are it will eventually reach a crisis point and social services/health care professionals will step in. Resist getting dragged into it at all costs.

All excellent advise. I have seen similar in my professional life. Your brother likes to play the victim and have everyone dance around him, just don’t play

This, your parents behaviour historically and now is clearly stating that it is more important to them for your brother not to be inconvenienced at all or to have to
financially do anything for himself.
Theyre ok for you to be stressed and inconvenienced and out of pocket however.
Agree that they’ve created and are still fuelling this monster of a situation.

Just to add OP, it is taking in the region of 12 weeks at the moment to register a Power of Attorney. We sent in all the paperwork for ours in late November, and still have to wait another 4 weeks for them to be finalised, so this is not a quick thing to organise. Also, it sounds like it might be too late for your DM to do them, if she's already been diagnosed with dementia, however if you can get your Dad to agree to do it, then you really need to get cracking, as if they're not done and registered, and he loses capacity, you will have to apply to the Court of Protection, to be appointed as a deputy, which can cost hundreds of pounds, and take quite a while to organise. Even if they were to give your brother Power of Attorney, you could still keep an eye on things and if you suspected that he was spending your parents money for his own ends, then you would simply have to report him, as he would be breaking the law if he did this. Hope you can get things sorted out.

Agreed, getting trickier by the day in OP's shoes, but diagnosis of dementia does not automatically rule out power of attorney (LPA, both types of which are needed here). If DM still has capacity for decisions, despite the diagnosis, she can sign. Capacity deteriorates progressively with dementia however. It may or may not be too late. Maybe ask her doctor to sign as 'certificate provider'. They may charge a fee for this. They will assess capacity as part of it. It will protect against being accused of not doing it properly later on. If DM and DF won't go along with this, leave them to it - they will end up at the mercy of DB and the state, who will control what care they receive and where.

Well what should happen is your brother slings his hook and the big house and tiny house both get sold and somewhere suitable is bought or the money used for care. However how you are going to make that happen is another matter. It's down to your mum and dad. If they have capacity they are in charge of their own affairs. As pp have suggested you need to talk to them bluntly but be ready for inaction. It may be too much for them. There may be a crisis that forces their hand but I don't really think there is much that you can do other than lay it out to them. Edited to say look after yourself OP, with elderly parents it's a marathon not a sprint ( look at the elderly parents board, you will get excellent advice)