To think that gentle parenting only works with kids that were easygoing anyway

[Thingything]

Just this.

I live in a yummy mummy part of the UK where gentle parenting is all the rage. Where the parents have kids who are, shall we say, spirited, it seems the result is kids who turn into utter monsters with no sense of boundaries and terrorize their parents.

I also have friends who gentle parent and their kids are delightful and sweet. Though those kids are the ones that even in baby groups would be sat, listening nicely, playing with a toy. I'm going to say 'compliant kids'.

Maybe this is because gentle parenting is based on a lot of talking, so you need kids with a reasonably developed sense of listening, patience and understanding to really apply it, and with some kids that doesn't develop until older.

Interested whether it's just me who has noticed this - and indeed if anyone has successfully managed to do a full Ockwell-Smith on a spirited / not naturally compliant child and can prove me wrong!

gentle parenting was the only way we could parent our PDA, ODD, selectively mute Autistic child who would bite you to let you know when they wanted to be alone or not share a toy or were hungry.

by gentle I don’t mean permissive. We just couldn’t be punitive on a child who took longer to understand what was right or wrong, who had no ability to read social cues. there was no other option but to be gentle and work to their level to modify behaviours. Punishment would not have taught them the lesson a neurotypical kid would have understood.

Interesting! I have a SEN child and absolutely the punishment model didn't work for him either.

When I talk about 'Gentle Parenting' by the way I don't mean just being gentle. I mean the parenting methodology enshrined in Sarah Rockwell-Smith's books amongst others. A lot about choices and autonomy and definitely never under any circumstances using the word 'no'.

We had to do a totally different thing entirely which was proactive parenting - trying to basically guess when he was going to do something crazy and distracting him from doing it in the first place so he'd be prevented from doing stuff he wasn't allowed to. Weirdly, it worked.

I agree.
I have four children...all with very very different personalities (now adults)
Two of whom could be gentle parented... they were naturally compliant, sensitive, easy going, never needed to raise a voice.
Two were not. Born hell raisers! Same parents but children who needed much more guidance and frankly, control. One in particular liked to push every boundary, didn't stay still long enough for a nice discussion about anything and needed to hear a very firm NO frequently. He was not a child you could reason with easily.
All now lovely adults, but all needed different levels of parenting!

Same here. Five kids, only one of whom would have suited gentle parenting. Two who were absolutely feral and the other two who were not so wild but still needed a firm hand. The one who would have suited gentle parenting got parented in with all the rest because it's impossible to parent some one way and some the other (particularly when they are all within seven years so all doing most things together).

They're all adults now and very respectable and with responsible jobs. The way they were parented does not seem to have affected them at all (other than meaning they didn't kill either themselves or their siblings).

Yes 100% two of my children have mostly been gentle parented. The first one OMG he’s been hard work, strangely enough any attempt at natural consequences would make the situation worse. Now he’s older and a bit calmer he’s more gentle parented but those toddler years were tough

i also thing it’s the same on types of dog training - depends on the dogs personality

I work in a setting where I spend time with parents and children interacting together - I have done for over 13 years. Parenting styles have certainly changed and evolved over that time. The new gentle parenting style is rearing very unlikeable personalities, children who don't seem able to show any consideration for others, take what they want when they want it, and do not respect their parents let alone friends or siblings. As an outsider looking in...it seems exhausting, this jay work for a few personality types but I don't think it does for all.

I’ve not heard of not being able to say no when practicing gentle parenting. I say no quite a lot, ‘no, you can’t touch the hot cooker, it will burn your hand’. Or ‘no, stop!!!!’, when they about to cross the road without looking. Maybe I’m doing it wrong?!

Well I remember children being immeasurably better behaved years ago when there was no "gentle" parenting and schools strapped or caned children who misbehaved. Children need to hear the word "no" and that not everything is a negotiation. I must admit though I personally find corporal punishment an unpleasant concept. My husband doesn't seem to have been harmed though and when reminiscing seemed to think that the hiding he and his older brother got for using the family hedges as improvised trampolines was justified.

I haven't read the book or even heard of her but looked up Sarah Ockwell-Smith and this is the first thing that popped up, it was on her FB page.

Gentle parents say "no".
Gentle parents DO discipline.
Gentle parents DON'T let their children "get away with everything"
Gentle parents DON'T "wrap their children up in cotton wool"
Gentle parents DON'T try to perfect
Gentle parents DO yell.
What other myths have you heard that really irritate you? Here are some of mine (swipe to see them all!).

The problem isn't gentle parenting, it's permissive parenting - or parents getting gentle parenting wrong and thinking it's things like 'not saying no'.

I gentle parented DS I guess, he has ASD, dyspraxia and was extremely stubborn and strong willed. It worked very well. I certainly said no and had clear boundaries though.

I hadn’t read on any of SOS book that you can’t say no. I think that’s a myth

I think people constantly conflate gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parenting is parenting without violence. Really not that hard to do. Firm boundaries, straightforward consequences, clear expectations, all presented in terms your child can understand.

Anyone who thinks things were better in the days when kids were hit with implements needs to give their head a wobble. I come from a country that abolished corporal punishment in schools in the 1830s - and no complete breakdown of law and order ensued.

Authoritative parenting works. Letting your kids get away with everything - not so much.

Totally agree that the monster kids are being badly parented not gentle parented.
My first born was a monster from the get go. All the traditional techniques made it worse, I was being told he needed a smacked bum, that he needed a smacked bum if he said no to me, etc etc.
When I stopped listening to them and started listening better to my child, structuring his world to avoid some of the issues, and playing to his strengths, it changed radically. He was ‘extremely challenging’ from toddlerhood until he was about 11, meltdowns, rages, etc, but it lessened as we got better at gentle parenting. He needed the intentional modelling of managing emotions- his were very big indeed. He’s absolutely gorgeous now, never given us a moment’s trouble, post 11. He’s 30.

I also had a foster DC tell me he thinks he and his brother are doing really well - less screwed up than most- and that we did a good job. I did weep a tear at that as it wasn’t an easy time and it didn’t end that well.

So don’t diss gentle parenting. It’s powerful when done right.

I agree. My late husband's parents were super strict authoritarians who hit their kids a lot. Mine were calm and authoritative. Were they perfect? Of course not.

But my Dsis and I weren't the ones who ended up with major alcohol and self esteem issues. Meanwhile, my late husband and his younger brother both did.

It's anecdote, but still.

I don't think gentle parenting is the issue. Its how the parent interprets gentle parenting.

When you read about "gentle parenting", it is often describe as a method that does not punish but worst does not "shame".

I don't know any parent who "shame" their children, so the whole concept is mainly nonsense.

I think I might have gentle parented - in that I rarely used the word no, neither of my kids had a 'no' phase (which I clearly remember happening to other kids I knew when I was younger) - but I absolutely agree that it was mainly the children that made that possible.

My eldest just was never interested in doing things he shouldn't - if he was told not to touch something, he just didn't seem to have the little voice that made him do it anyway (I certainly have it!). Neither rewards nor punishments really worked for him either - but luckily, he was just a reasonable child, who didn't need much more than an explanation (despite not even speaking in sentences at 2! - it all went in, just nothing came out)

My youngest is still voted most likely to burn the house down doing something he shouldn't - but he's also just followed his brother's lead, and just has never been a problem - no tantrums, bad behaviour very rare (cheeky and lazy behaviour common).

I do have to establish and maintain habits quite strictly - with the eldest because he's dyspraxic and incapable of making up routines for himself, and with the youngest because if you give an inch he'll take a mile and can sniff out weakness - but it's all in good humour, I'm authoritative but not authoritarian I think - ie. I'm happy to explain, and negotiate up to a point, but if I say that's it, I expect to be obeyed.

I think I just lucked out with easy kids TBH, rather than it being any parenting technique of mine

Agree with you OP.
Spirited children become very challenging as they age, especially during the teen years.

You can be kind but firm.

So you've never heard anyone say something like "You're six, Eva, you're not a baby, stop whining?" or "Don't be so lazy, pick up your toys!" or "I've had just about enough of you today"?? All those are shaming language. It's not literally pointing and laughing at them or shouting "Shame on you!"

Totally agree with all those saying that gentle parenting is NOT permissive parenting.

i consider myself a gentle parent - calm authority, clear expectations, emotional co regulation and natural consequences. Lots of love and playing and cuddles but DS most definitely hears the word no.

He is on the whole a calm and compliant child (obviously has his moments) but in answer to your question OP what comes first? The gentle parenting or the naturally non feral child?

IMO you have to parent according to the child you have, not to fulfil some ideal about what sort of parent you want to be.

Gentle parenting with very young dc who have limited vocabulary simply won’t work. They don’t understand the concepts and cannot express how they feel. There certainly are times when “no” is required - not a discussion! Older dc who have acquired language can argue back of course. At length. It’s wearing.

Never smack or humiliate (why do parents feel it’s ok to use the word “feral” about dc? I use that about animals. It’s humiliation in print). It’s wrong for parents to assume all dc respond to gentle parenting. It’s obvious and inevitable that not all dc are the same or can respond as desired. The job of parents is to modify their techniques and be aware their dc need a form of parenting to ensure dc are pleasant to be around.

Unfortunately what I see is permissive parenting. Every child needs clear boundaries and instruction whatever their personality or needs, gentle is fine as long as clear and consistent

Gentle parenting would be lovely if we lived in a gentle world but we don’t and as they grow up it’s a big shock to these kids and can’t cope.

@hahagogomomoI see that a lot too. It’s just not bothering really! The dc aren’t pleasant though.

We do know where the terminally offended come from, I give you that 😂