To think that gentle parenting only works with kids that were easygoing anyway

[Thingything]

Just this.

I live in a yummy mummy part of the UK where gentle parenting is all the rage. Where the parents have kids who are, shall we say, spirited, it seems the result is kids who turn into utter monsters with no sense of boundaries and terrorize their parents.

I also have friends who gentle parent and their kids are delightful and sweet. Though those kids are the ones that even in baby groups would be sat, listening nicely, playing with a toy. I'm going to say 'compliant kids'.

Maybe this is because gentle parenting is based on a lot of talking, so you need kids with a reasonably developed sense of listening, patience and understanding to really apply it, and with some kids that doesn't develop until older.

Interested whether it's just me who has noticed this - and indeed if anyone has successfully managed to do a full Ockwell-Smith on a spirited / not naturally compliant child and can prove me wrong!

never a truer post has been made on here!

I disagree. My child with ADHD (possible PDA I guess?) only responds to reasoned instructions - if there’s no why and no discussion he’s never going to do it. Kids like him would have suffered so much to little or no effect in days gone by. Makes me really sad to think of.

My other child is, I guess, more “naturally compliant” - she’s been a somewhat saintly teen - but even then, when she was smaller she wouldn’t do think “because I say so”. Luckily natural approach to parenting is to talk things through.

I'm all for being gentle with children. For not raising voices or speaking sharply unless there's an immediate risk. For using distraction and persuasion rather than refusal and demands, wherever possible. I don't believe in shaming or humiliating and I say 'that's naughty behaviour' as oppose to 'you're naughty'. I will give choices where I can and explain why when there's no choice. When I did all this in the 90s when it was just 'parenting'.
So the only difference I see with that and 'gentle parenting' is this insistence on making everything about feelings. Affirming feelings, validating feelings, having to leave soft play caused you to hit another child because you had 'big feelings', your feelings are always ok, even when they're really not.
I think a great deal of the problems in our society are caused by people thinking their feelings should be front and centre of everything, and are as valid as other people's facts. So I do struggle with that part.

The opposite is true in my experience. I tried more conventional parenting methods with my eldest, who has likely ASD and ADHD, he is and was an absolute sweetheart BUT no attention span or listening skills (even age appropriate when a toddler, no.impuose control at all) and I ended up with a distressed. Anxious, constantly upset little boy who couldn't take part in things. I moved towards gentle parenting gradually on the advice of professionals (at his hospital, under his neurologist he saw for epilepsy) and it is night and day. I now have a child who melts down much less, who attends mainstream school and is constantly praised for his behaviour there.

I also have a 4 yr old daughter who is on the whole like the 'gentle' kids you describe and requires zero effort a lot of the time beyond the odd telling a second time or a toy taken away if using inappropriately and I swear she'd be the same sunshiney and easy child if she'd been raised by wolves.

All kids benefit from gentle parenting, proper gentle parenting with clear boundaries and expectations. With clear language, emotional regulation and a willingness to work through upset together.

and definitely never under any circumstances using the word 'no'.
What are you talking about. SOS definitely doesn't recommend never saying no. You sound utterly confused about what what gentle parenting is, as per usual with these threads. It's boring.

I cant say either way but I directed my child's behaviour as they grew from being very little so taught them from a very young age what was acceptable or not in a calm way, no idea if this is gentle parenting or not as I have no desire to follow any philosophy, so I have no idea if they would have been what others call easy going or not if I left them to it

Communism seemed like quite a good idea until people started trying to do it in real life.

I think gentle parenting is similar - bad practices and human nature interfere: It’s so hard to parent gently perfectly, it is so badly understood and so idealistic that few families execute it effectively.

I think we can all learn something from gentle parenting, but certainly in my house natural consequences are rarely the only consequences. And I have aways made it very clear that my family is not a democracy and my word is law (together with DH’s). And laws aren’t about justice or fairness - they are about the exercise of power.

Yep as usual, the people who slate it the most are the ones who don't actually know what it is.

And also to a PP, all feelings ARE ok, it's what you do with them that is the crucial thing. You can be angry but you're not allowed to hit, you can be excited but you're not allowed to race about screaming.....

It can be done very straightforwardly - people have this idea that it has to involve long lectures about "big feelings" but it doesn't. Kids don't listen after 10 seconds anyway!

As pp have said gentle parenting doesn't mean not saying no or using discipline. People just get permissive parenting and gentle parenting confused. I think a lot of people these days do permissive parenting as they can't be bothered dealing with emotions which is not what gentle parenting is about at all. I also think that the goal of gentle parenting isn't to have completely obedient, compliant, silent tidy kids. It's about understanding child development and letting kids be kids and helping them to be well-rounded, healthy, functioning respectful adults.

I only judge parents who feel the need to put a label on their parenting.

I use it a lot with my one year old. It’s not discussion based and you can say ‘no’. It’s mainly about having age appropriate expectations of their impulse control. In fact, everything I’ve read that’s gentle parenting related for this age group involved very succinct interventions e.g “I can’t let you hit” and moving your child away. Leaving the area if the child continues but without shaming or an unrelated punishment. Or “we can’t throw that but you can throw this ball” to redirect. Just a couple of examples that come to mind.

I agree OP. My DD could have been gentle parented, even permissive. She had good language to communicate and good social skills, she would observe others and mimic, so if everyone was sitting, like in a cafe then she would sit too. DS2 needed strict boundaries but was easily managed, again very good language but a sensitive soul who needed a gentle way of communication. Ds1 didn't give a shit about what anyone else did or wanted I tried literally everything, even parenting courses. He needs to be yelled at or else he doesn't care, something that doesn't come naturally to me but i to find my way there. He struggled all through primary school until he met a very tough teacher with zero tolerance and have him a bollocking every now and again. He became more settled and happier. He thrives in a sport with tough shouty coaches. A gentle approach would have resulted in a wild spoilt and deeply unhappy child. A strict shouty approach would have left DS2 and DD deeply anxious. One of the most difficult things for me as a parent was changing myself to adapt to the child. It's just what we have to do because the child can't change their characters or flaws for us.

I think gentle parenting has a lot to answer for .. Absolutely do not condone any sort of physical punishment but we have gone to far the other way .

I think parents just like labelling their parenting without actually knowing what it means. The other thing people seem to get wrong is natural consequences. I think they just like the term as it sounds “nice” rather than thinking about what it means. I’ve seen parents on here saying they don’t punish they just use natural consequences. And their examples are things like: removing a toy if the child is playing roughly with it. Removing the child from softplay and going home if they are hitting other children. Forcing them to sit in a buggy/hold parents hands if they run off into the road etc. None of these are natural consequences.

I don’t know but there are definitely some parents who can’t control their kids.

I don't know where they've gotten it from, but I do know parents who genuinely seem to do everything they can to not use the word "no" itself!!!!!

They are as natural as you can get while
still being safe - the actual natural consequence of running into the road is going splat and of course that can’t happen. But these consequences are all related to the problem behaviour and so they are “natural”, as opposed to misbehaving at soft play and then being told “no dessert tonight!”

Then you could call them direct consequences. Saying something is natural isn’t true. So it’s still another term that people are getting wrong. Something being “as close as you can get” doesn’t mean the term still isn’t wrong. People get upset on here all the time when people get the term gentle parenting wrong. They should change natural consequences as well.

What’s a yummy mummy when it’s out?

There’s gentle parenting and there’s permissive parenting.

we practice gentle parenting where boundaries and expectations are communicated and, where appropriate, discussed.

My kids are in their twenties now, but for me parenting was about explaining, reasoning, trying to bring out the best in them. I did get cross, I did shout - I'm only human. I think we all just try our best. My kids behaved themselves at school, less so at home.
Both lovely adults.

In response to the OP. Yes I agree

in relation to the gentle versus permissive versus whatever. Yes I agree.

I think the proper arises when parents refuse to adjust and respond to the child’s needs.

one extreme example, but real. A mum who beautifully raised her first child via permissive parenting. The most pleasant child you could meet.

child two, same. Yet alarm bells were ringing. Nursery phoning, concerns raised. Home schooling now with a 5 year old child who bites and is in nappies.

the youngest, the biggest concern. 🙁 not allowed to any local groups. Will just pick up any object and thump and other child. After family also banned them from visiting new babies, the response? She’s such a kind child. Just frustrated.

the larger worry is the family are now isolated as mum continues permissive parenting. The eldest continues to excel. The youngest are out of control. A famous quote from one “ we don’t say no in this house, we are in charge.”

that sounds more to me like a child needing a diagnosis and specialist support. I agree that not getting that is bad parenting but I don't think you can say it was caused by gentle parenting.

No it was not, it was caused by permissive parenting and a refusal to respond to a different child’s needs.

I haven't read the thread. Both of mine are very high needs and spirited and gentle parenting is the only thing which has worked for them. I absolutely swear by it. They are 11 and 16 now so I've had plenty of years to test it.