AIBU to invite my mum over more than MIL?

[mumtoegt]

I’m a SAHM with three children aged 6, 3 and a newborn. Since my first child was born, my mum has been very involved, both in a “fun grandma” way and in a very practical and supportive way, especially around births and during particularly intense periods. My husband runs his own business, works long hours.

Around the time each baby was born, she was the person who came over to support me. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, held the baby so I could rest, and made sure I ate. When my second was born I had a difficult and quite scary birth, struggled with breastfeeding, was bleeding a lot, leaking milk, and walking around bra-less most of the time. My mum was the one who dealt with the messy realities, washing bloody sheets, cooking while I fed the baby, and generally helping me get through that phase. I simply would not have felt comfortable with my MIL doing that, and realistically she would not have offered anyway.

Outside of those periods, my mum still comes over more often, largely because we have a close relationship and we want to see each other. She also tends to come with the intention of taking some of the load off me. That might look like coming over to do some cooking so I can take the kids to the park for longer, helping out on a rainy day during holidays when looking after three kids indoors feels like a lot, or doing the school run if one child is teething or unwell. It is very much about practical help rather than being hosted.

Because of this, my mum has naturally spent more time in our home and, by extension, with the children. She is not coming over specifically to see the kids. She is coming over to see me and help out, and the kids are part of that. This is also not something that started because I had children. Even before kids, my mum would come over to see me, although less to help out and more to just hang out, see her daughter. My MIL never really did, and the relationship has always been more formal and distant.

In contrast, my MIL tends to come over expecting to be hosted. She expects a cup of tea, biscuits, and conversation. She wants the visit to be pleasant and sociable for her. She likes the kids to engage with her and perform a bit, showing her things, playing nicely, and interacting on her terms (ie she’ll sit on the sofa and want the kids to play around that sofa, keep telling them to be careful around her hot tea and not to bring anything mildly messy near), but she does not come over to take pressure off me. I generally find her visits more work than help.

Recently my MIL has started making comments that the kids are closer to my mum than to her, and implying that this is because I have not made enough effort to foster that closeness. I find this upsetting and unfair. I am already stretched thin with three small children, and I do not feel it should be my responsibility to engineer a relationship when the difference seems to come from fundamentally different approaches. My husband is also taking MIL’s side because in his eyes he provides very well financially (which is true) but at the expense of working very long hours and he simply doesn’t have the time to come home at 3-4pm so that MIL could have a decent length visit before bedtime. He sometimes works on weekends, and when he doesn’t we try to enjoy family time or squeeze in activities that we’d like to do as a whole family, like a short holiday or an event.

I also feel that, particularly with young children and a newborn, it is reasonable to prioritise support over entertaining guests, and that it is natural I gravitate towards the person who genuinely helps and the person I’m comfortable to be myself fully around.

So am I being unreasonable, or is my MIL being unfair by blaming me for a dynamic that has largely been shaped by her own behaviour?

I agree, @Duveet - if I can do it sitting down, I am always happy to help out - I am very limited, though.

OP does mind. Her words:

She just does not really help in that way. When she comes along to outings, she tends to sit down and relax rather than get involved. At the playground she will usually sit on a bench watching, often on her phone, while I manage the kids.
If one of the children needs something and I suggest “Grandma will help you”, she tends to redirect them back to me. For example, if a child needs a wipe or help with shoes, she will say “just wait a minute, mummy will do it”, even when my hands are full with another child. It is a bit like having an extra adult there who is visiting, rather than another pair of hands.

What OP doesn't want is to be forced to host her hand-off MIL more than she does already, which is perfectly reasonable of her.

That's fine, but her wet blanket DH won't deal with it.

This expectation rarely exists for men.

Grandads. They sit and watch tv while the grandchildren run around.

They might do a bit of bike fixing. They won’t moan they haven’t seen the grandchildren nor would they instigate or demand it.

It’s like father in laws full stop. Just quietly getting on with life no fuss no demands.

Neither of my grandmother's ever played with me, dver.
But my memory of them is so much interest in ME.
They chatted and listened to me endlessly, loved my news.
I wrote to them both every week when I moved abroad as a young woman in a great career.

I was living a realy great life and filled them in on my work, wild partying, travel, boyfriends, gossip of friends and any drama.
One grandmother eventually went into a lovely nursing home.
They both loved my letters which were like therapy for me as I used to type them out.
Granny used to talk to the nurses about me and when I visited they told me they all loved my letters and my fab single life.
Thats 35 years ago, and I still miss them both.

Do grandfathers often complain about how close their grandchildren are to the other grandfather when they haven’t particularly nurtured the relationship in the first place?

My grandfathers were both involved in my upbringing and never heard either complain or even talk about the other and they lived down the street from each other (5 minute drive) from each other neither did my grandmothers.

There was also no expectation of being hosted, saying that my parents often took us to them unless they asked them beforehand to come and get us from home.

@90sTriflegoing to MIL’s is almost worse I think. It’s constant “ooh don’t bring that near the sofa” “please eat only when seated on that specific chair” “no, don’t touch those”. I’m running around the 3 kids still either on my own or with DH but it’s just we aren’t in our own home, don’t have our usual supplies unless we’ve brought them along. The kids don’t really like the meals she cooks (as she travels a lot at home the meals are more like steamed fish and asparagus or plain baked chicken breast with avocado) so at best would eat a bit before stopping, if I try to bring their meals we get criticised “so… they eat shepherds pie but don’t want a piece of potato next to a chicken breast? Tastes better that way, cleaner rather than all mushed up. Really would benefit them to diversify their palate” “why do you have to blend their vegetables into a pasta sauce? Just serve them a plate of meat and veg, and say it’s either this or nothing”

Your situation will resonate with many I imagine. I wonder if its less about mum vs MIL grannies roles but more about how they see involvement themselves.
I think suggestion of having both grannies come over is excellent. Is your mum aware of how you MIL feels and her lack of participation? Its important that she does not try to entertain your MIL if they are at your home together.
Its disappointing that your DH does not recognise that you cannot force children to be warmer towards his mum - holder just gravitate more naturally towards people that are warmer, more attentive and nurturing.

Jeez, has she really forgotten what it was like to be a mum and cook child friendly meals? 🤦🏻‍♀️
Has she forgotten all the mess, the noise, the chaos, the laughter and the tears? 🤔
Or did you hubby grow up as a young, well behaved, silent and manicured child, who lived on steamed fish, baked chicken, avocados and Asparagus? 🤨
Somehow I don't think he did 😆

I agree with a PP regarding grandads.
You rarely here them doing this palaver 💯
My DS loves his grandad, as he let's him make a mess, run around and play. He doesn't expect DS to sit still in a chair, not make a mess, and have a thoughtful long winded conversation, like he's on fecking Mastermind!
He's only 6! 😆 🤦🏻‍♀️ 🤣

She cannot sit there like the queen of Sheba, being waited on, while policing their every move, then expect the kids to mark her down as a fave relative. 👎

Edited to add: She needs a reality check. And more importantly SO DOES YOUR DH. 💯
@mumtoegt

To be fair you might find that as your DC get older and hopefully more manageable you can tolerate these visits more easily.

This is honestly triggering me 😂

My EX Mil used to pull this crap. It is none of her fucking business how much you see your mum. If she wants to see more of her grandkids she can be more kind, supportive, whatever and arrange it with her son.

She also used to count the photos and complain if there were more of my family. (Ex didn't put pictures up or get them printed or whatever). I did have photos of her and ex's family up.... But I'm not mad and I didn't count them into equal piles likes sweets for five year olds.

Honestly, do not start getting into this crap. It'll just cause you stress. Feeling guilty if your parents visit or you see them or whatever. I remember having to justify that my Dad had been because he was in the area on business, (which was true).

I tried my hardest...She doled this crap out and worse for years. I absolutely lost it in the end.

One of the best things about divorce is getting rid of all that nonsense!

I'd say do you want put the kettle on while I'm doing so and so or were going to the park to play things like that.
You could say to her well my mum helps I don't host her I've got enough to do .. I'll tell your hubby aswell get it straight .
Can't be doing with in laws who want hosting.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your mum! I like to think this is what I would have had with my mum had she not passed away before I had children, she became my best friend. It’s a very precious thing to be so close to your mum, and for her to be so very supportive of you.

Stuff the MIL! If she is more work than any help, give her set visit times and leave it at that. If you want to be more amenable, you could try saying ‘Ah, just the person i need!’ when she walks in, hand over the children and say ‘I have to run to the shops/doctor’s/petrol station! Could you pop the washing machine on for me while I’m out?’. Do this every time she comes over, if she doesn’t like it she’ll stop pestering for more visits, or she might surprise you and step up. To be fair on her, she might feel she can’t step in and help because she doesn’t know you well enough. She also sounds like she might be better when your children are a bit older and she can take them out places and have chats with them over cups of tea, and trust them not to trash her own house. Mums and daughters have (or can have) a very special relationship, she can’t expect to have the same experience with you and your children as your own mum does, or to spend the same level of time with you.

Don’t have her over any more than you can cope with, it’s too much stress.

I would give it zero head space as you are busy enough already? Your MIL and husband need to be around more rather than commenting on what goes on

If it makes you feel any better my mum is pretty much your MIL but comes over less. My favourite is when she 'volunteers' my in-laws for stuff e.g. "why don't Janice and Steve stay for at your house with the kids when you go to that wedding and make a weekend of it". So tone deaf!

I actually don't really see the issue with how your MIL is.

I think it's absolutely fine for grandparents to want to pop over, see their grandchildren, without doing household chores or childcare.

You don't have to see her as often as your mum but I can't work out when you do see her if you won't have her round during the week because your DH is working but you also won't have her round at the weekend because that's "family time"

It's up to you and your DH what your role as SAHM includes but I think it's reasonable for him to say that his mother gets to come round sometimes - if you won't do it without him, then you will have to do it at the weekend. Ruling out both the weekend and the week doesn't feel reasonable

Your poor mum! She sounds like she’s become an unpaid skivvy

I think it's lovely that you have such a good relationship with your mum. Mine lived in the same road when I had 3 small boys and she was never any help, wanted to see the children on her terms and expected to be hosted back and waited on.
Mother in law would happily roll her sleeves up and do some gardening or housework and she used to arrive with a cake and handmade jumpers for them all. She was more a friend to me than my mum ever was because we had hobbies in common. Don't be made to feel guilty for your special relationship

Your DHs finances have nothing to do with this. He should make time to hang out with his mum and kids. You continue what you are doing with no guilt.

This. You’re not your husband’s maid or his PA. If he wants HIS children to have a closer relationship with HIS mother then he can facilitate that. Don’t fall into the trap of facilitating his life, and you don’t need to be grateful for him providing you with financial security - that is such a transactional way of viewing a marriage.

Your husband has never been on his own with all his children? You have much bigger issues than your MIL OP. When did you become this family’s maid, PA and general skivvy?

And parenting does not come “naturally” - it takes practice, work and patience. Stop making excuses for this behaviour.

You aren’t being unreasonable .

Your husband bringing up the financial element is to guilt you. You provide “free” childcare, cleaning and cooking services that allow him to work long hours. So do not let him use that argument to bully you.

In your shoes, I’d be telling him you find hosting too much and if MiL wants to come over, he has to be there. Then ignore his comments.

You don’t see an issue with someone moaning about their lack of relationship with their grandchildren when they don’t even particularly try to do anything with them but can moan about the other grandparent who actually does do things with them while expecting to be hosted when it is obvious their mum is busy with them?

Grandmother doesn’t have to do childcare but barely interacting with her grandchildren and expecting to have a closer relationship than the grandmother that does is ridiculous. It’s also quite rude to come over and expect to be hosted especially since OP literally says she has a newborn.

Any reasonable person wouldn’t expect to be hosted especially a family member visiting a postpartum mum. They would/should be helping themselves and getting something from the kitchen or at the very least doing something for the mum not just sitting on their arse and watching and waiting to be served as if they’re royalty.

Probably the DH likes it too. Means he gets to do even less than he already does. His MIL can cope with the kids but the father himself can't manage more than one.

Your DH can host her or take the DC to her for a few hours at the weekend.

I think while you have a newborn is not the time to give too much headspace to all this. Can you not just have DH invite her round while he's going to be at home and let him negotiate the hosting while you drink tea on the sofa with the baby (or retire to the bedroom for feeds in peace and quiet, leaving him and Mil to entertain the older two?) Whether or not your mum comes round during the week to help you is irrelevant. She wants to feel more included - well, why can't DH handle that? She's his mother.