AIBU to invite my mum over more than MIL?

[mumtoegt]

I’m a SAHM with three children aged 6, 3 and a newborn. Since my first child was born, my mum has been very involved, both in a “fun grandma” way and in a very practical and supportive way, especially around births and during particularly intense periods. My husband runs his own business, works long hours.

Around the time each baby was born, she was the person who came over to support me. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, held the baby so I could rest, and made sure I ate. When my second was born I had a difficult and quite scary birth, struggled with breastfeeding, was bleeding a lot, leaking milk, and walking around bra-less most of the time. My mum was the one who dealt with the messy realities, washing bloody sheets, cooking while I fed the baby, and generally helping me get through that phase. I simply would not have felt comfortable with my MIL doing that, and realistically she would not have offered anyway.

Outside of those periods, my mum still comes over more often, largely because we have a close relationship and we want to see each other. She also tends to come with the intention of taking some of the load off me. That might look like coming over to do some cooking so I can take the kids to the park for longer, helping out on a rainy day during holidays when looking after three kids indoors feels like a lot, or doing the school run if one child is teething or unwell. It is very much about practical help rather than being hosted.

Because of this, my mum has naturally spent more time in our home and, by extension, with the children. She is not coming over specifically to see the kids. She is coming over to see me and help out, and the kids are part of that. This is also not something that started because I had children. Even before kids, my mum would come over to see me, although less to help out and more to just hang out, see her daughter. My MIL never really did, and the relationship has always been more formal and distant.

In contrast, my MIL tends to come over expecting to be hosted. She expects a cup of tea, biscuits, and conversation. She wants the visit to be pleasant and sociable for her. She likes the kids to engage with her and perform a bit, showing her things, playing nicely, and interacting on her terms (ie she’ll sit on the sofa and want the kids to play around that sofa, keep telling them to be careful around her hot tea and not to bring anything mildly messy near), but she does not come over to take pressure off me. I generally find her visits more work than help.

Recently my MIL has started making comments that the kids are closer to my mum than to her, and implying that this is because I have not made enough effort to foster that closeness. I find this upsetting and unfair. I am already stretched thin with three small children, and I do not feel it should be my responsibility to engineer a relationship when the difference seems to come from fundamentally different approaches. My husband is also taking MIL’s side because in his eyes he provides very well financially (which is true) but at the expense of working very long hours and he simply doesn’t have the time to come home at 3-4pm so that MIL could have a decent length visit before bedtime. He sometimes works on weekends, and when he doesn’t we try to enjoy family time or squeeze in activities that we’d like to do as a whole family, like a short holiday or an event.

I also feel that, particularly with young children and a newborn, it is reasonable to prioritise support over entertaining guests, and that it is natural I gravitate towards the person who genuinely helps and the person I’m comfortable to be myself fully around.

So am I being unreasonable, or is my MIL being unfair by blaming me for a dynamic that has largely been shaped by her own behaviour?

Of course you're closer to your mum. I'm the same with my mum and I see much more of her than I do my MIL. To me that is perfectly normal. My mum has babysat for us in the past and helps out around the house. My MIL doesn't help and is frankly hard work.

I don't see MIL without DH being there and it's up to him to arrange it. We go over occasionally at the weekend for the day. MIL is far more interested in getting DH to do DIY jobs for her when we're there than actually interacting with me or the kids.

If your MIL wants to see more of the kids then your DH needs to arrange that at tge weekend/when he's not working.

I could have wrote this exact post. I see my mum a lot because she’s my best friend, my MIL is not. She’s lovely and the kids love her but it’s different.

This is exactly what it was like with my dm when mine were little and it’s to be expected. MIL didn’t complain about it though (if she had I’d have just been honest with her and said my dm comes over to HELP…)

He could take the 6 year old over no problem, but the 6 year old doesn’t particularly want to see her unless there’s an incentive (like “if you see granny I’ll buy you xyz) which to me seems wrong to bribe kids.

Because it is.

That says more about her involvement (lack there of) when you have to incentivise your child to see and spend time with her. Can’t exactly blame the child if she doesn’t/ haven’t even try to do anything with them though.

Always surprises me how some family members expect instant bonding/ relationships when you actually have to put the effort in to establish one.

Not keen on young children fair enough but don’t moan about lack of relationship when you chose not to engage during those years.

In some ways I absolutely agree. I’d really hate it if in the first days after birth when I was leaking all types of bodily fluids and at best wearing a stained top (more likely wearing nothing on my top half), my MIL turned up with the suggestion that she holds my very fresh newborn baby.
However, I’d have nothing against it if my MIL offered to come over and bake a cake with my 6 year old whilst I take my 3 year old to the doctor or brought over a home cooked meal (and maybe joined us for dinner) or took the pram out on a walk when my newborn isn’t such a newborn and the naps become more predictable so that I could climb all over an adventure playground with my 2 eldest.

I think your expectations for your MIL are clouded by the amount of help your mum gives you, which is substantial. What your MIL does is very normal imo. Making her a cup of tea and a biscuit is hardly a big chore and just common courtesy. It’s normal that she feels less comfortable in your house than your mum does.

Oh, sure, but I do have sympathy with her that she perhaps does now find it harder to get into the swing of it.

I don't particularly see why she ought to feel she has to help. It's just that if her relationship with you/the kids involves sitting and having a nice cup of tea someone has made her, then her problem isn't one you can solve. You can't invite her over to do that much more often, because it's time-consuming for you. Your DH possibly could; that's his decision.

I wonder if it's time to be less keen to sort out their problem for them? Maybe a bit of broken-record 'oh yes MIL, have you chatted to DH about it yet?'

@ChavsAreRealshe has said she wants this by being invited more often. In her ideal world, I think, she’d like to come over, receive her tea, gift the kids a toy each, read to them peacefully on the sofa, have a chat with them. But without anyone jumping off the sofa or needing a drink that they then spill or a snack that produces crumbs, no crying, without getting any messy toys out / play doh.

It's not a fucking competition and you should tell your husband to wind his neck in and get his mother to wind her neck in.

You don't look after your own mother when she's round. She's his mother and it's up to him to look after his mother is he's got a problem with this.

The reason you don't have her over more is because you don't have a close friendship like you do with your mother and because she's a pain in the backside. That's the bottom line.

If he wants to make it 'more equal' then he can run around after her as it's not part of you being a SAHM to be her personal servant. You have enough to do. That's his role as the dutiful son to maintain his close relationship with his mother.

Making snipey jealous remarks about your relationship with your mother doesn't endeer you to making more of an effort. It just makes you dislike her and resent her and want to spend less time with her. So tell him she needs to knock that off too. And he needs to step up and tell his mother to stop trying to undermine your relationship with your mother - it's not your fault he doesn't have that same closeness. You shouldn't be punished or reprimanded for it. He should work on his relationship with his mother inside if it's a problem. If he thinks it's a priority he can cut his day short since he's his own boss - especially if you are well enough off.

I would put money on if you left him at home with the kids every time she came over, he'd soon try to reduce the amount of contact time she had - precisely because she's a pain in the arse.

Btw, just in case I come across as unsympathetic - I'm really not. I notice how my parents are with both of my brothers and their wives, and it has become a running joke amongst us siblings that my parents always believe that their sons are poor, hard-working family men, and their daughters-in-law are the ones who call the shots. We get a ton of mum or dad saying sorrowfully that DIL 'won't let' them see the children enough, or that if one or other brother has communicated with them 'it must be coming from DIL!' And on occasion it has been perfectly obvious that they're simply expecting something daft, which neither my DBs nor their wives would be able to facilitate.

People do this stuff. Let's hope we don't when we're grandparents, but who knows?

I don't believe you need to justify to anyone why and how you have a relationship with your own mother!

If you try to keep the peace with your husband about his needy drama-queen of a mother, simply make a list of all the things your mum is doing and has done and show it to HIM.

If your MIL is insistant on being a cow, then play her game. Let her visit, but stick to your plans. Offer her a cup of tea - that's polite, but in the kitchen while you get on with normal chores and let the children do what they would be doing without her.

Add a sweet: you're family, so you don't want us to put airs and graces, it's so lovely we can be comfortable with you.

@SarahAndQuackyes, I absolutely don’t expect her to help out. As far as I’m concerned she doesn’t have to ever come over, let alone help, I wouldn’t be offended. It’s just that, as you say, it doesn’t work for me to have someone come and sit on my sofa expecting perfectly behaved children sitting and smiling at her, whilst I make polite conversation.

So your husband and your mother in law expect you to do this magical work so she can be seen like your mom by your kids?

It will not happen. See my previous post. Your mom comes in and actively contributes and works. She's giving. Your MIL comes over and takes. They see her taking your time and attention and adding more work.

They love your mom because she's present and actively involved. Your MIL won't make that investment and they see her differently. That won'tmagically change.

Their expectations that you do even more work to soothe MIL's feels is extremely unreasonable. You and your kids are not responsible for her feelings and expecting you guys to be is really unhealthy. She gives nothing, she gets nothing.

And your husband can't handle the kids he's got, come on now. If he can run a business he can be a present parent and partner. I managed to parent working 12 hours nights up to 60 hours a week at times

I do feel blessed to have had a DMiL who would come in and ask what she could do to help. If there was nothing to do she would make us all a drink. I loved her, nearly as much as my own DM, and was devastated when she passed.

Your husband sounds like a bit of a dick to me, and his mother sounds as entitled as him. Tell him to stop working weekends and start facilitating time with HIS mother and HIS kids.

Do you tell your husband who he can get to help him at work ? Do you tell him who he can see in his free time ? Im guessing not.

you are inviting your mother to help you with your job , which right now is bringing up the kids . You get to decide how you do that .

he seems to think that he is your boss and gets to tell you how to do your job and who you can have coffee with etc .

if he wants his parents to see your children more then HE needs to do it in HIS free time .

Remrnber they are NOT your family , they are his . Yes even if you are married . If your husband leaves you , I promise you will never see your IL again . Because they don’t care about you. Sorry to be harsh but that’s true ,

its common courtesy, but also the reason why normal people don't invite guests like MIL every day or even every week 😂

It's one thing to have friends and close relative around, but people you have to formally host are not a priority, especially with young children and a baby. If you are Kate Middleton with an army of staff and nannies, or if you are bored and retired, it's delightful, for everyone else, it's a complete waste of time.

I had this when I had kids and I had to give up one day a week of my maternity leave to spend with my MIL as she wanted an exactly equal relationship with the kids to my mum. It was tense at times. And even now the kids are tweens the lengths we have to go to to make the amount of time spent on both sides “equal” is exhausting. But I went along with it because my husband is an only child to a single mother and she doesn’t have much other family so this baby meant a lot to her.

Be careful what you wish for on the helping out though - my MIL helped too much in a way that felt interfering at times. Reorganising all the kids’ drawers or I’d be trying to put a sock on one of my daughter’s feet and out of nowhere a hand would appear to put the sock on other one - like everything was a competition.

@mumtoegt - I am a MIL, and I know my DIL sees more of her mum - and her dad - than she does of me and dh, and I have absolutely no issue with it. Dh and I don’t get to see them very often, due to distance, and frankly I am very happy that my son and my DIL have her parents close by, to help them out and support them.

Edited to add - even if we did live closer to ds1 and his family, I wouldnt be at all offended or upset if my DIL invited her parents over more often than she invited me. I love her, and I want her to be happy and well supported.

Just keep telling dh he can spend as much time with his dm +dc as he likes but it really isn't up to you to manage everybody's relationships!!

Your set up is very common for maternal grandmothers for obvious reasons. Wise paternal grandmothers anticipate this, manage their own expectations and enjoy the relationship they do have with their GC. If they remain a loving presence through their lives a greater closeness often develops when the DC need less hands on care. It's a different role and does feel like the second place one, but that's something she needs to come to terms with. You're doing nothing wrong.

You are an absolute angel because most of us would not have put up with this insanity.

A day a week? Bloody hell, you have the patience of a saint. If she has a son old enough to be a dad himself, surely she can get her own life, find a job and a hobby or something 😂

I always included my MIL but it was often like having another child to deal with rather than an adult to help/play/use their own initiative. It was so draining sometimes, I don’t know how she got through motherhood!!!!

I swear I could have written your post word for word OP! It's really difficult for your DH to understand, in my case my MIL isn't a terrible person, she's just useless. We used to argue about it so much when my children were as small as yours, selfishly you are always going to gravitate towards the person who makes your life easier, but the concequences of that are that they become the one the children build the relationship with. Honestly nothing much has changed even now (DC are 11, 8, 7) but the only way I kept the peace was to not treat her as a guest and wait on her when she did come over, and to be honest she stopped making the digs at my husband then because actually she didn't want to really. I was a SAHM when they were tiny and I just let him take the lead to take them over and say it would give me time to catch up in the house. When he saw how little input she would have helping with 3 small children as you've described, especially after working ridiculous hours it became much less appealing to him to facilitate too. Thing is it's not that your trying to block a relationship but when your children are this small you don't have the means to build them for others. I think physically letting him see what you mean is the only way they can understand, especially when there hasn't been any unkindness or major issues! Now when he comments on how much closer ours are to my parents I will be honest and ask why he thinks that is. I do sympathise as I know i would hate it if it was the other way around but also like to think I'd know whos fault that was!

I understand what you mean. Your mom isn’t a guest to attend to.

My mom puts laundry on and makes cups of tea and doesn’t expect my son to be with her all the time. When his other grandparents visit- house needs to be spotless- drinks offered. Son expected to be engrossed in them whilst they visit.