To feel really angry with my daughter shagging about??

[Spooky2000]

Ok, so she's 26. She lives with me having returned after a few years living with a bf that she broke up with. Yeah, young, carefree and single. EXCEPT.

She shags virtually every guy she meets (she tells me) and doesn't use condoms. She hooks up with men she knows are bad for her but she she does it anyway because she fancies them and lies to me about the hooking up, because she thinks I'll believe her. 🙄I make out that I do, but I'm not stupid!

Now, don't get me wrong, she is single and can shag whomever she likes as often as she likes. I'm annoyed for the reasons that: she doesn't use condoms; that if she takes a shine to one and shags him she's upset when he ghosts her; that she's little interest in anything but "boys" and it's like living with a teenager and I hate it, frankly. She should grow up and start acting more responsibly.

She's zero interest in anything or anyone but her phone. She wants to adopt a dog, but given how she's now treating mine, I will not allow it and frankly, plan to sabotage that because a reasonable discussion cannot be had with her at present as to why she isn't responsible or reliable.

I really mean that, it's like having a child all over again in the sense of having to take responsibility - which rest assured dear reader, I will be shrugging off.

Why is she still living at home with you? And does she have a full time job? Is she bringing all these men home to shag?

You need to set some boundaries with her. She is an adult not a teenager who knows no better. And don't allow another dog into your home.

Is she working? It sounds like her attitude to sex is more like a man's (or the perception of some men) anyone, anytime. Does she have a very strong sex drive or is she just seeking attention? Does she feel she wasted five years with the 'boring guy' and is making up for the time wasted? I agree it's time for her to get a proper job (if she doesn't have one), move out and take responsibility for herself.

Are any of these men paying her for her attentions in actual cash or gifts? Just having sex with every man she meets seems pretty desperate really.

Gosh it sounds like your daughter is just following in your footsteps… and yet you are so angry about her shagging different men without protection…

Give it a couple of years and she'll be complaining to you about how she cant find a good bloke who wants to marry her.

She is sowing her wild seeds in a very dangerous manner, the thought of random men’s unwrapped penis makes me feel ill.
Ask her to keep her business to herself, wash her own underwear and sheets separately from your laundry.

Does she have any actual friends female or male?

The fact that she’s not capable of caring for her mum’s dog is what rings alarm bells. Although it seems doubtful she’d continue with a random unplanned pregnancy with a strange bloke anyway.

🤣

Im not the one talking about my adult daughters sex life online, luv.

If you were a criminal, you wouldn’t your child to follow in your footsteps. I wouldn’t want my child having unprotected sex with ransoms whether I did it or not it myself, especially at 26, that is way too old to be acting like that.

Gross, how did she turn out like this op? I would be SO disgusted if this was my child and tell them so. There must be a reason as to why she just doesn’t care for her life.

There is an underlying condition here that is causing her to have no respect for her own sexual health, and no respect for living things (your dog), and no sense of responsibility in life of how her actions affect her own well-being and how her behaviour causes others to worry. Not using condoms is quite serious and the fact she can’t compute the associated risks tells me her executive functioning is very poor.

its like there is a voice in her head which overrides the voice of reason (condoms are there to protect against STIs. STIs are in the increase) and also the voice of self-respect. The risk-taking is common with people with poor executive functioning.

she is getting a dopamine hit from the casual sex and connection, much like an addiction in its early stages.

the idea of adopting a dog is pie in the sky but it makes her feel good to talk about it.

its perhaps not my place to suggest what might be the root cause of the executive functioning and dopamine issues but it is often ADHD.

is she showing signs of poor money management? Are there credit cards? Is she scatty, does she renege on agreements, does she struggle with consistency? Does she goes through phases of hyper-focus (eg gym) and then get bored months later? Can she become defensive when you try to talk, or does she blow it up into a drama out of nowhere to make herself the victim?

Her last relationship wasn't abusive; from what I can see he treated her like a queen. By her own admission, she was bored with him and broke up. They'd been together for 5 years.

You don't say how long she has been home with you, but if she is only 26 now and was in the previous relationship for five years then she was quite young when they got together. Possibly even a first serious relationship. There should be no judgement on breaking up then; lots of relationships started that young don't last for that long.

Perhaps she feels being in a long relationship that young means she has missed out a bit on being young and single?

However, her attitude to unprotected sex does sound very irresponsible so you are right to be concerned. Also this behaviour smacks of low self-esteem to me. Does she have a job? Some purpose in life?

OP your attitude and your behaviour towards your daughter is the only thing you can control here.

If you are unhappy with her discussing her sexual experiences with you, as other posters have mentioned, you need to be kindly closing those conversations and redirecting the focus.

She sounds like she is going through a phase developmentally and needs kindness and support. She must be very lonely to be engaging with men in this way and putting her health at risk. I wonder if something has happened that has prevented her from forming healthy friendships and relationships.

You sound very fed up, and that is very understandable, but you are still the parent here, and need to be a kind and solid anchor.

If she is putting your pet at risk, perhaps it's time you discussed her moving out so that both of you get some space.

I'm actually really pleased you gave this response @Spooky2000

So many people on Mumsnet choose to gaslight the OP by saying "oh this can't be true must be a man, or a perv"

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint the narrow minded on here, but stranger things happen than in your world, and this isn't so strange at all.

TBF the OP had only posted once when this poster responded and I was wondering about the validity of this thread then too. To talk about your child "shagging around" seems an alien concept to me.

DD doesn't sound like she's in a good place.

I was a wild shagger (and recklessly at times which I SORELY regret.)

It is very weird she is telling you this as her mother and you are right to be concerned at her deliberately placing her physical (and mental health) at risk. Is it a cry for help? Maybe sit her down and have a gentle talk with her?

“DD, by all means make your own choices with whom you have sex with. I will always love and support you when you need it but I do not need to hear all about it. Please make sure you use condoms and get yourself checked, you are being stupid and are clearly not at the right stage for an unplanned pregnancy, let alone an STI. If you are feeling unhappy about something and need help to figure it out I’ll support you finding some therapy / change of career / hobbies to give you a bit more confidence in yourself.”

She might be having some kind of MH issue. 'promiscuity' (I hate the word, but it's better than 'shagging about') can be a sign there's something else going on. Some kind of trauma.

Tell her you don't really want to know about her sex life in detail. But try and make sure she's actually OK. Rather than being so judgemental.

If she is OK and enjoys having casual sex then ultimately that's her own choice and there's nothing actively wrong with it. Though forgoing contraception is obviously foolish.

i would give her a taste of her own medicine (not the medication the sexual health clinic will inevitably prescribe), make arrangements for dog before giving her a small amount of water then lock yourself in the kitchen and make sure she can't get into the bathroom or out of the house, but then i do have a very extreme approach where animals are involved.

I’d want to talk more about STDs and her emotions rather than pregnancy as any message you want to deliver about those will be lost.

You've lost me there. Are you saying you'd want to talk about STDs and emotions but there's no point because it would be "lost"? Or that you wouldn't bother talking about pregnancy (which would be "that" rather than "those things"). Very confusing.

Seriously, who has a lock on their kitchen door?

i would make it possible, either by installing one or barricading the door. see how she likes it.

Is it possible that your DH has a MH condition like bipolar disorder? Her behaviour is endangering herself. I would be deeply concerned by this.

I meant I would just talk about the emotional issues surrounding having sex with lots of men and the risk of STDs, including some nasty incurable ones. These are far more difficult to talk about than the pregnancy risk. Throw too many things at someone and they may switch off and the entire message risks getting lost. Talking about all 3 at once and the response could then be ‘I’ll just get an abortion’ or ‘I’ll just go on the pill’ or ‘I’ll get the MAP’. Pregnancy risk, of course. But that’s an ‘easy’ fix (well not really but can lead to a convoluted argument) and responding to that part of a discussion can easily be used to deflect from anything more challenging.

A lot of young girls with poor self esteem often shag around as they confuse sex & love, thinking if he shags me, he must like me.