To feel really angry with my daughter shagging about??

[Spooky2000]

Ok, so she's 26. She lives with me having returned after a few years living with a bf that she broke up with. Yeah, young, carefree and single. EXCEPT.

She shags virtually every guy she meets (she tells me) and doesn't use condoms. She hooks up with men she knows are bad for her but she she does it anyway because she fancies them and lies to me about the hooking up, because she thinks I'll believe her. 🙄I make out that I do, but I'm not stupid!

Now, don't get me wrong, she is single and can shag whomever she likes as often as she likes. I'm annoyed for the reasons that: she doesn't use condoms; that if she takes a shine to one and shags him she's upset when he ghosts her; that she's little interest in anything but "boys" and it's like living with a teenager and I hate it, frankly. She should grow up and start acting more responsibly.

She's zero interest in anything or anyone but her phone. She wants to adopt a dog, but given how she's now treating mine, I will not allow it and frankly, plan to sabotage that because a reasonable discussion cannot be had with her at present as to why she isn't responsible or reliable.

I really mean that, it's like having a child all over again in the sense of having to take responsibility - which rest assured dear reader, I will be shrugging off.

My friend went through a similar thing and it turned out that her daughter was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Is it possible your daughter would benefit from a psychological assessment?

I'm more concerned by her wanting to adopt a dog when you say she treats yours badly OP. In moral terms, neglecting or abusing animals is much worse in my book than sleeping around.

If it bothers you, you have the choice to set boundaries. Tell her she is not to bring any one night stands/casual hookups back to your house as you don't want strange men in your home. Set limits on her discussions of her man dramas, ask her to save it for her friends. And do not entertain her adopting a dog while she lives with you. Any decent dog rescue charity will do their due diligence and ensure that the dog is going to a suitable home. They would do a home check, want to meet anybody that would live with the dog and there would have to be introductions to your existing dog to ensure the dogs get on. If she goes as far as arranging a home visit you can tell them straight you do not want another dog and will not help care for it, or you have concerns for the impact on your dog. They then will not let her adopt.

Boundaries are your friend, as is picking the right battles to fight with her. You can't control her sex life, but you can set boundaries about what you are and are not willing to discuss with her relating to it and what can and cannot come into your home. Including pets she can't care for.

YABU to be angry about her shagging. She’s an adult and single, she is allowed to shag as often as she wants and who she wants. However, it’s ok to be worried about her behaviour and it’s ok to not want her to bring strangers to your house and to not want to hear about each escapade (you are her mum, not her friend). (But it’s a bit unclear whether she’s telling you about each shag or not, as you first write she is and then write she doesn’t say but you’re guessing she does). You can - and should- set boundaries about what you are willing to listen to re the men she fancies and her sex life. Spell out what you don’t want to know.

YANBU to be angry about how she treats your dog. I don’t understand why you are still allowing her to live in your house is she treats your dog badly.

Whilst she is allowed to have sex with who she wants and when she wants, it doesn’t sound like she has an healthy, holistic relationship with sex. Overall she sounds unhappy, maybe depressed or traumatised. How was her previous relationship and how did it end? Has she been abused in the past? Does she have mental health issues, low self esteem issues? Has she been bullied? Does she have anger issues? (Because she treats your dog badly). Is she generally a mature person? How has your relationship been overall? It sounds like she is pushing your boundaries on purpose, is there a reason for that?

You do know that she is an adult right, you’re doing her a favour letting her stay with you. But if she is being abusive towards family members (and that includes the poor dog) you can -and should- be telling her to leave. She is responsible for her behaviour and she needs to accept the consequences of them.

She’s 26 not 16. Why wouldn’t she be the one to deal with the baby? Mid- late 20s is not a young age to become a mum. She sound like an irresponsible teenager and will end up with STIs if she isn’t using condoms.

I hope she's taking care of her own contraception because I sure as hell wouldn't be stepping in to take care of a baby born out of this irresponsible phase.
A lot of people do go a bit mad with the freedom of coming out of a long term relationship...I've seen a couple of friends do similar.
Fine...but no babies thanks.

How odd 🤔

Its not really as simple as 'she can shag who she likes' - it sounds like she's engaging in self-destructive behaviour and she's obviously chasing something. I don't know what you can do about it except maybe try to see it from that angle.

The lack of condom use is the thing you should mainly be concerned about quite rightly.

Adopting a dog should be a no-no unless you are prepared to step in if needed.

I was once your daughter, and did this to fill a deep emotional void from my childhood. Therapy?

This is why nobody should live with their parents in their mid 20s. You shouldn’t be aware of any of this. The living situation has to change. Create distance.

God forbid a girl has a hobby.

No seriously though. She just sounds like she has low sef esteem and thinks the way to get a boyfriend is to sleep with them. Lots of girls make this mistake.

But saying sleeping with men = mental illness, is a bit of a stretch.

I can see why you are upset about the lack of protection but other than that her sex life isn't really your business. You mention she is unreliable and only interested in boys or her phone. What else does she have going on in her life? Does she work? Does she have a career? Is she looking for her own place? How long hae you agreed she can stay? Does she contribute financially? I ask these questions because I wonder if she is behaving like a teenager in other ways and maybe you need to be firm and make her take a bit more responsibility.

I would think its reasonable to say she can't get a dog whilst living with you and your dog and maybe that would motivate her to do a bit more adulting and look to move out?

I think it’s gross she tells you the gory details. I’d never ever discuss my sex life with my mother, why is she telling you she doesn’t use protection? You don’t need that level of detail. She does sound immature for her age.

It sounds as if she's not in a good place mentally.

Shagging about per se isn't automatically a bad thing if she's come out of a long relationship but if she's got low self esteem and is doing it to chase relationships with men who will never respect her it suggests she needs to take a break from it and get some counselling. You can nudge and advise but you don't get a say in her sex life. Shagging about without contraception is just idiotic and if she's living with you I think you do get a say in that.

She sounds a bit unmoored and aimless generally and probably needs other things in her life apart from sex and chasing boys. Does she work? Is she pursuing a career or does she have any hobbies?

What on earth did I just read

Surely at 26 it's time she moved out and lived her life as she chooses? What does she do to the dog fgs?

Why does she think so little of herself?

Get her the HPV vaccine and the HEP B vaccine, that’s 2 off the list… tell her she needs an STI Screen after unprotected sex and before she moves onto a new partner

Schools have targets for attendance and lateness. They want you to be on time so they can start teaching promptly and so your child has a calm and settled start to her day so she can feel confident and learn well. Arriving after the day has already started disadvantages her.

Nothing will happen though if you are late other than school nagging you to be on time.

I work in school and some parents always bring kids late. Everyone rolls their eyes as it's always the same kids

You've posted on the wrong thread @OneBadKitty

I agree with this. Dont voice your disapproval at how many sexual partners she is having, voice your concern about her health. If you're that close you have all these conversations then it should be also fine to be like "ok. Well; if that is what you need to do then ok but let's get xyz in place"

re the dog I took it to mean that she doesn't help with him despite living there (i.e. not showing interest in a dog that is already there let alone adopting her own)

She wants to adopt a dog and yet she is ‘homeless’ living with her mum?

Armchair psychologist here, but she wants to adopt a dog, moons after any old bloke and presumably is gambling with pregnancy....(?)...
She wants something to look after, and someone to look after her... without facing the realities.

If this is real, I'd tell her TMI for your mum, and also that I am worried about her, but as an adult it's her decision.

This isn't healthy behaviour

I'd be worried about her

I'd try to get to the bottom of why she's doing it eg low self esteem, thinking any man better than no man, feeling she doesn't deserve a proper relationship. Or might she be a sex worker?