Sexless relationship

[Witsends123]

Me and my partner has been together nearly 7 years now, sex life been mostly good,(once a week) over the last 2 years we have had sex about 3 times, one of them times resulting in my baby being conceived, didn’t have sex once I was pregnant, longest time we went without is a year, if I didn’t insinuate it it wouldn’t have happened , it makes me feel like crap,he is a really good dad he works hard and help around the house and with house holds bills. We have spoken about this a few times and the last time we had sex was September,he’s acknowledged this and said we need to do date nights to get closer, ?? I thought we were close there’s obviously something I’m missing, I’m in a dilemma, what do I do? Do I split up and find someone else, it gross me out saying that because it’s for sex, but I cannot stand being in a sexless relationship when other things are good, I’m just confused, any advice greatly welcome

What reason is he giving for not having sex with you?

Do you get a sense he is still attracted to you? Is he otherwise affectionate?

That’s a really good question, I know it sound silly but I havnt even asked him that nor have I thought why !

Maybe he’s not attracted to me, there’s no affection there whatsoever

Yes this is strange.

He could be scared to show affection incase it leads onto something else that he doesn’t want. But why? Before even considering leaving him, you should find out why? It may be something you both can work through together.

When you say lead on to something else do you mean sex? It is all very strange my head is in a muddle

Yes, I mean sex. He’s avoiding all routes to it. Find out why.

You're doing a lot of presuming. Why don't you take him up on his suggestion of date nights.

do you think I am? I hope I am, I just feel like he don’t find me attractive,hence no affection, but then again I don’t really show him any either, I know it takes 2 to keep the spark alive but I feel like it’s gone now, I have taking him up on his suggestions off date nights, maybe he don’t fancy me no more or maybe I’m just presuming again

It sounds like you have a very young child, possibly your first which is a huge life change for most people. You don’t have the same time you used to have, you do slip into a partnership/ team where the focus is the child and not each other. You’re also often exhausted - is your child sleeping through the night?
what’s your living set up ? Does child often get into your bed?

if he’s suggested date night I would go for it. I do find it somewhat strange that you’ve not asked him the reason or tried to get to the bottom of it but have considered leaving him over this

Hi, my baby is my 3rd, I have 2 older ones, he’s a good easy baby he sleeps through the night most nights, baby don’t sleep in our bed,, this had gone on before he was born, I’ve asked him if he finds me attractive, he states yes if not I wouldn’t be with you,but there’s just no affection there,Im
considering leaving him because I don’t know how much more I can take, I have brought it up a couple off times, we have sex, then don’t again for months on end, just makes me feel horrible and not wanted

Leave. It won't get better.

If he wasn't interested in you he wouldn't have suggested intimate nights out x

Do you speak from experience

Yes that’s true

So for 5 years and with 2 kids you had a good sex life once a week. Then you got pregnant for a third time. And nothing much since then?
is he afraid you will get pregnant again? Was the third unplanned?

my first 2 children are with a different man they’re 14 and 16, my 3rd baby was very much planned, he’s 7 months now and this has been going on a couple off years

So what has changed in the past 2 years? Weight gain or loss for either of you? Medication? You need to talk to to him!!

Sounds like other than sex your biggest issue is complete lack of communication. I suggest contact relate for some support

I have still got the extra pounds from having baby, I do need to speak to him you’re right, how do I approach things?

hi, it’s not a complete lack off communication, this subject has gone round in circles for me now and I’m getting sick off it, it’s embarrassing me now, and sorry contact who??

Why do you think you haven't thought 'why' or asked him 'why'? Do you think you've sort of believed the myth that men always want sex unless they are physically attracted (no shame from me, lots of people grow up not knowing differently) or is this something else?

Because at this point I am embarrassed, we talk about it be intimate once then it’s repeats, sorry what do u mean about men always want sex unless they are physically attracted

There is a myth that men always want sex, and if they dont want sex, then its because they arent physically attracted to the woman, some people dont understand that some men need emotional connection and non sexual physical affection too, or that some men just have a low libido. I was checking if you were under the impression that the 'men always want sex' myth was true as lots of people still believe it.

I think you need to try and bring it up at a time that isnt immediately after being intimate, neutral territory. And ask him how he's feeling. Date nights sound like a great idea! Do you get much time as a couple? Do you proactively show him affection that isnt leading to sex? How does he react? Does he show you non sexual physical affection or none at all?

You could sit down with him once the kids are asleep and phrase it “I really miss having sex with you, it was a great part of our relationship for years and made me really happy and feel close to you. I feel like since we’ve stopped having sex we both feel less connected and day to day affection has also changed, I miss that too. I find you really attractive and think sex is an important part of a marriage/relationship. I’ve tried to discuss this with you and listen to what you’re thinking and feeling, something’s changed and I want to understand what’s causing it. After we’ve spoken you’ve initiated sex which has been a one off each time and then not talked about it again until I’ve brought it up. I really need you to be honest with me as the situation’s making me feel lonely, unattractive and confused.”

If that makes you cringe then obviously use your own version! Just a quick draft. Don’t let him fob you off. You deserve to know what’s going on.