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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband never buys me a birthday or Christmas gift

66 replies

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 03:15

Im really hurt that my DH never bothers to buy me a Christmas gift when I buy all the presents for everyone in his family and spend a lot of time doing so.

He doesnt bother buying me a birthday present or card either and doesnt take me out for my birthday. this isnt the biggest problem in our marriage by a long stretch but it does hurt me.

do you all have partners that buy you gifts or not?

AIBU to be hurt and upset

OP posts:
Hoplittlesbunnieshophophop · 20/01/2026 03:35

Sorry but YABU for sitting back and letting him treat you that way and still continuing to buy presents for all his family! Why on earth do you do that?

The one time my partner did this I told him exactly how that made me feel in no uncertain terms. He has never made the same mistake again. I also put my foot down and stopped buying for his family...lo and behold, he does it now. Theyre not incapable they're just fucking lazy.

However from your post I think there's probably more to this...

SandyY2K · 20/01/2026 03:49

When did he stop buying you gifts for your birthday and Christmas?

If he never has done, then I'm wondering why you've not raised the issue since the beginning.

I can't relate, as DH has always bought me a birthday and Christmas gift. It's the norm for us.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 03:56

Hoplittlesbunnieshophophop · 20/01/2026 03:35

Sorry but YABU for sitting back and letting him treat you that way and still continuing to buy presents for all his family! Why on earth do you do that?

The one time my partner did this I told him exactly how that made me feel in no uncertain terms. He has never made the same mistake again. I also put my foot down and stopped buying for his family...lo and behold, he does it now. Theyre not incapable they're just fucking lazy.

However from your post I think there's probably more to this...

yes - there is a lot more too it

I was a very gifted and successful perosn and very popular but I had extreme childhood trauma. I think thats the reasons I accepted this and a whole other load of behaviours that drove me to a psychotic break in which I lost every single thing I worked for.

My husband tries to tell me its normal for spouses not to buy one another a gift which is hwy I made this thread

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 03:56

SandyY2K · 20/01/2026 03:49

When did he stop buying you gifts for your birthday and Christmas?

If he never has done, then I'm wondering why you've not raised the issue since the beginning.

I can't relate, as DH has always bought me a birthday and Christmas gift. It's the norm for us.

he has never been good at buying gifts but he did used to put more effort in than now

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/01/2026 04:00

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 03:56

he has never been good at buying gifts but he did used to put more effort in than now

Show quote history

That's very poor of him.

I wouldn't continue buying gifts for his family in your situation.

I don't know how he says it's normal not to buy a gift for your partner, unless finances are so tight.

I presume you big him gifts?

Do you have kids? Does he buy anyone gifts?

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 04:13

SandyY2K · 20/01/2026 04:00

That's very poor of him.

I wouldn't continue buying gifts for his family in your situation.

I don't know how he says it's normal not to buy a gift for your partner, unless finances are so tight.

I presume you big him gifts?

Do you have kids? Does he buy anyone gifts?

Show quote history

Hes a very high earner - top 5%

I do buy him thoughtful gifts - he likes wine os I buy him some fancy wine accessories or glasses usually

No we dont have kids and its a good job

He doesnt buy anybody gifts - no. except for ur nephew who asked for his favourite football team strip every year. The only reason I dont buy that even is becasue I got it wring one year becasue I know nothing aobut football and apparently there are four strips.

OP posts:
BreakingBroken · 20/01/2026 04:35

you need to speak up.

Shoxfordian · 20/01/2026 04:39

Its not ok or normal for him not to bother to buy you a present. I expect there's lots of other examples of how he's not a good husband as well.

Stop being a doormat, stop buying for him or his family
Do you want to be with someone so thoughtless?

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 20/01/2026 04:43

What about the rest of your life? Does he do thoughtful things, is he kind and loving, does he mind if you buy things fir yourself?

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 04:46

Shoxfordian · 20/01/2026 04:39

Its not ok or normal for him not to bother to buy you a present. I expect there's lots of other examples of how he's not a good husband as well.

Stop being a doormat, stop buying for him or his family
Do you want to be with someone so thoughtless?

yes there are and it led me to a breakdwon that cost me everythign

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 20/01/2026 04:48

Do you have access to his money?

Zanatdy · 20/01/2026 04:48

If you’re the poster who I think you are, then you have a lot more issues than just this. But yes, it’s not nice that he never bothers buying you a gift, but this is just the tip of a very sharp iceberg and you really need to consider your future with this man.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 04:48

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 20/01/2026 04:43

What about the rest of your life? Does he do thoughtful things, is he kind and loving, does he mind if you buy things fir yourself?

its quite mixed. he doesnt always keep to his word. hes a hoarder so I dont have much space. he doesnt often say he loves me. he doesnt stop me buying things for myself but often he will question it or pull a face. its been very hard becsue I had a terrible breakdwon and soem if it was from not being able to use money.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 04:50

Zanatdy · 20/01/2026 04:48

If you’re the poster who I think you are, then you have a lot more issues than just this. But yes, it’s not nice that he never bothers buying you a gift, but this is just the tip of a very sharp iceberg and you really need to consider your future with this man.

yes - I do have many more issues. I couldnt see them and thought everything was perfect until my breakdown. I think he is neurpdivergent not that that excuses nay of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 04:50

sittingonabeach · 20/01/2026 04:48

Do you have access to his money?

no. we have never had a joint account

OP posts:
mummydoris2006 · 20/01/2026 05:48

When me and my DH first for together 25 years ago we made more of an effort in buying quantity rather than quality, which is ironic as we were young and skint!
Now, we buy a well thought out gift but other times don't buy anything but say we'll enjoy a nice meal together etc.
I cant help but notice that you said your DH is in the top 5% off earners but your posts always stand out to me, writing style and theme etc and in one od your other posts I'm sure you said he earns 70k a year. While not to be sniffed at thats nowhere near the top 5% off earners in the UK!

Unhappyitis · 20/01/2026 05:51

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 03:56

yes - there is a lot more too it

I was a very gifted and successful perosn and very popular but I had extreme childhood trauma. I think thats the reasons I accepted this and a whole other load of behaviours that drove me to a psychotic break in which I lost every single thing I worked for.

My husband tries to tell me its normal for spouses not to buy one another a gift which is hwy I made this thread

Show quote history

It is not normal at all, don't let him gaslight you.

rickyrickygrimes · 20/01/2026 05:55

It’s normal for DH and I, we haven’t bought presents for years.

but that’s by mutual agreement. neither of us really care about ‘stuff’.

you sound like you are in a very bad situation. I hope things get better.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 06:01

mummydoris2006 · 20/01/2026 05:48

When me and my DH first for together 25 years ago we made more of an effort in buying quantity rather than quality, which is ironic as we were young and skint!
Now, we buy a well thought out gift but other times don't buy anything but say we'll enjoy a nice meal together etc.
I cant help but notice that you said your DH is in the top 5% off earners but your posts always stand out to me, writing style and theme etc and in one od your other posts I'm sure you said he earns 70k a year. While not to be sniffed at thats nowhere near the top 5% off earners in the UK!

ah sorry - you are correct. I was getting confused with our total household income that was. do oyu know what the top 5% earns? I may just have got it totally and utterly wrong

im interested in why my posts stand out?

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 06:03

rickyrickygrimes · 20/01/2026 05:55

It’s normal for DH and I, we haven’t bought presents for years.

but that’s by mutual agreement. neither of us really care about ‘stuff’.

you sound like you are in a very bad situation. I hope things get better.

I thought I ahd my dream life and it was a fairytale for various reasons until this breakdwon none years ago. my husband says I dont remember things correctly and we were happy. and that im blaming him for everything that went wrong. I dont ithnk tis that simple but im very confused.

I am in a horrific situation now yes. I lost everything even my faith in God.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 06:04

sittingonabeach · 20/01/2026 04:48

Do you have access to his money?

no

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 20/01/2026 06:05

There are absolutely couples who choose not to buy for each other, I know quite a few, but that is usually a mutual agreement so that everyone is on the same page.

mondaytosunday · 20/01/2026 07:08

Well aside from the fact this present buying thing seems a very minor part of a very bad situation, no it’s not unusual, though it may be uncommon, for couples not to buy gifts for each other, though I think that’s usually because they have children and decide the (maybe limited) budget should go on them instead.
He isn’t going to start buying you gifts. So, while again I think this is not the issue you should be concentrating on, I’d stop buying any gifts yourself. He has no comeback if it’s his family.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 07:19

mondaytosunday · 20/01/2026 07:08

Well aside from the fact this present buying thing seems a very minor part of a very bad situation, no it’s not unusual, though it may be uncommon, for couples not to buy gifts for each other, though I think that’s usually because they have children and decide the (maybe limited) budget should go on them instead.
He isn’t going to start buying you gifts. So, while again I think this is not the issue you should be concentrating on, I’d stop buying any gifts yourself. He has no comeback if it’s his family.

can you pick up its a bad situation?

OP posts:
Endofyear · 20/01/2026 09:04

From reading your updates OP, it sounds like the lack of gifts is the least of your problems. Do you feel loved and safe in this relationship? If your husband's behaviour towards you caused you to have a breakdown, do you think it's healthy to stay with him? Do you think your mental health would improve if you weren't with him?